Love Between Sexes
by EFC
Summary: Edward & Jasper were roommates in University. They both have new lives now, but a 3 day reunion will force them to examine the relationship they chose not to explore & left behind so many years ago. J/E slash-AH
1. Chapter 1

**THIS IS A SLASH STORY**

JASPER & EDWARD, SO IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT...SIMPLE, PLEASE DON'T READ.

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**~*Chapter 1*~**

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"I'm leaving now," I yelled up the stairs to my wife. I waited for a response but didn't get one. Rolling my eyes, I unwillingly trudged up the stairs to find her. I should have just left but I couldn't do that, it would have made things worse between us. As it was, she wasn't speaking to me, if I had left, surely I would have paid for it ten-fold. I travelled a lot for work, and this was just another business trip to Chicago like any other, but for some reason, this time, she had a problem with my trip. Our fight from earlier this morning was still playing over in my head.

"_Three days, that's all it is and then I'll be home. How is this time any different than the others?" I asked her, completely exasperated with the conversation already._

"_It just is, that's why," she responded stiffly. "You went to school there, I know exactly what you're going to get up to. I'm not stupid you know." She hoisted the baby on her left hip as he cried out, tears rolling down his cheek. She stuck a pacifier in his mouth trying to get him to stop crying._

"_It's not like that and you know it. I'm there for work, that's all." I tried to reason with her, but I knew it was futile there was no reasoning with her when she was like this._

"_So you're gonna stand there and lie to me and tell me you're not meeting up with any of your old buddies? Fuck, Edward! It would be nice to live your life for once! Do you think I want to stay here in this house day after day with these two? I'm trapped here! I can't do anything. Some days I don't even have time for a shower." Her yells caused the baby to drop his pacifier and he began screaming again… louder._

"_Give him to me. You're scaring him." I reached for him, but my wife just pulled further away, glaring at me with hate-filled eyes._

"_NO! Go, get on your damn plane and leave. That's what you do best, isn't it? I don't need your fucking help, I manage every day without you," she said, her voice filled with bitterness._

"_What do you expect me to do? Not work? Who would pay for this house and your clothes and the rest of the stuff you love so dearly? Huh? Answer me that? I'll gladly stay but that precious little Mercedes in the driveway will go, as will the pool and God knows all the other stuff you spend my paychecks on!" I knew my accusation would shut her up fairly quickly. It was the same argument we had ever since our second child came into our lives. She was overwhelmed, I knew that. I had begged her to get some help, get a nanny or a maid, but she always refused and instead, accused me of thinking her as a failure for even suggesting it._

"_Look…when I get back, we're going to look at getting some help, and only because I want you to go back to the 'Journal.' Maybe they will let you work only a couple of days a week. I think it might be good for you to be away from the house for a bit."_

"_What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She turned her lip up at me._

"_Nothing!" I tried to defend myself, running my hands through my unruly hair. "I just think you miss it, that's all." I knew I should have kept my mouth shut while I was sort of ahead. I was at my wits end though. It had been eleven months since the baby was born, and fifteen months since we had sex. Fifteen fucking months! _Fuck_. Just thinking about it made me miserable. I had been spending a hell of a lot of time in the shower over the last few months._

_After the second baby was born, my wife was just too tired, grumpy and completely over-whelmed and was never in the mood. I let it slip for the first few months, it didn't really bother me, because I figured she would come around eventually. We didn't exactly have an over-active sex life before the babies were born, but it was enough to keep my balls from turning blue each week. But these days I was convinced my balls had gone past all shades of blue, and were heading into the color palette of deep purple or even black._

_A lot of my colleagues had affairs, and a few were always telling me to try it, or at least hire someone to take care of me. The truth of the matter was I never had the desire to fuck another woman. I just didn't. Yeah, my balls ached, but other women just didn't do it for me. I guess despite all of our differences, and battles, I really did love her._

_I looked over at her, her long brown hair was swept up in a low pony-tail with bits of strands coming out everywhere. Some sort of foreign, yellowish substance covered the right-hand corner of her white shirt, while red, sticky, jam fingerprints covered her right boob. She had dark circles under her eyes and her complexion looked sallow. Glancing down at her soft belly, I noticed she still carried a bit of the baby weight. I hadn't even seen her fully naked since the baby was born. She was embarrassed of her body, I knew that much. She had never fully recovered from our first child before getting pregnant with our second. The two pregnancies so close together wreaked havoc on her once trim, lean body, but none of that mattered to me, because I did love her…unconditionally, my blackened balls and all._

_I felt the corners of my mouth start to tug into a slow smirk, as I realized I wanted her… right now…just the way she was. I felt my balls tighten, surprised they could still feel, and my cock began to get hard and I actually snorted at this little—well more like average—development._

"_What?" she snapped at me._

_I made a move toward her while she backed up against the kitchen counter not having anywhere else to go. Reaching out, I grabbed her around the waist pulling her against me so she could feel what she was doing to me and to let her know that I wanted her, screaming baby, sticky jam boobs and all._

"_Are you serious?" she said disgusted with me. "Fuck off. Go. That's the last thing I feel like doing right now." She pushed against my chest and slid out from under me storming out of the kitchen._

_I placed my head against the cupboard rubbing against the sink feeling the pressure of it against my neglected prick. "_Fffffuck_!" I slammed my hand against the counter before moving it to my pocket to painfully adjust myself._

I spent the remainder of the Sunday in the garage, waiting until it was time to drag my sorry ass to the airport.

When she hadn't answered me back, I knew I had to go find her and try to get some sort of resolution before I left. I got to the top of the stairs, hearing the tub running and made my way to the children's bathroom knowing it was bath time. Standing against the doorjamb, I watched silently while my wife began to shampoo the kid's hair. I took a deep breath, listening to the laughter of my daughter as she splashed around with the water toys, trying to tell my son about the sounds that farm animals make. Looking at this serene picture, it was hard to imagine that there was anything wrong with our family. I had a great income, a lovely five bedroom house, two cars, a pool, two beautiful children and a gorgeous wife. This was the picture-book family. Too bad it wasn't a picture-book, but instead, a book filled with callous and hurtful words.

"Daddy! Have you come to have a bath too?" My daughter squealed when she noticed me at the door. I saw my wife's shoulders stiffen at her words.

"No, sweetheart, daddy has to go." I watched as her lip trembled and she started to cry with protests of asking me to stay. My wife turned around with accusation in her eyes, _See! See what you do?_

I leaned over the tub placing a kiss on each of my children's heads and whispered promises of presents if they were good for Mommy. I took hold of my wife's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, hoping she would give me anything, any kind of acknowledgement of love but there was none. Leaning down, I placed a soft, lingering kiss on her forehead and whispered that I loved her. Her eyes closed at my words, and a single tear slid down her cheek. It was breaking my heart to be leaving like this, but there was nothing I could do. I had to catch the last flight to Chicago, having an early morning meeting with a client, didn't leave me any other options. It would be the first of several meetings over the next three days with a handful of clients for the firm that employed me so I could have this picture-book life.

My wife was right about one thing, Chicago was my Alma Mater city, and I still had many friends that lived there from my university days. I hadn't seen them in years, and I was going to reconnect with a few of them, including my old roommate. The plan was to meet up with everyone tonight at the bar at my hotel for drinks, and then play the next two nights by ear to see what we felt like doing. I was catching the last flight to the Windy City, but with the time change I'd arrive with plenty of time for me to drop my stuff off at the hotel and get settled.

My plane ride went smoothly, arriving on time, and I picked up the rental car, a sensible four door full-sized sedan. If I had been daring, I would have gone for an upgrade, but then how would I have explained that to the firm. So I settled into my sedan and drove directly to the hotel, knowing my way around the city just like I had never left.

While I drove from the airport, I couldn't contain my stifled excitement any longer. It had been way too long since I had seen everyone, and the next three days were definitely going to be just as my wife had expected. _No rest for the wicked._ I chose to remove all thoughts of the day from my head. There was nothing I could do about it now, and there was no point dwelling on it. I was going to enjoy my time and I didn't want to become a whining pussy in front my friends about how fucked up my marriage was. I could easily put on the façade— that wouldn't be a problem—I had been doing it for over a year now.

A shower was my first order of business once I got settled into my room, my second being a glass of scotch from the mini-bar. In just a towel around my waist, dripping water everywhere, and my hair slicked back soaking wet from the shower, I grabbed a tiny bottle from the fridge looking for a glass to pour it in. I was desperate for the taste of the whiskey to calm my nerves, so I said, _Fuck it,_ to myself and cracked open the bottle shooting it back in one go, choking as it burned its way down my throat. "Aah, that's better." I sighed, rubbing my eyes. I noticed the glasses on the counter in the bathroom and figured I should really put the next one over some ice.

I stood at the end of the bed in front of the mirror with a glass of scotch in my hand. Swirling the amber-liquid around, the ice cubes clinking against the glass. I reminisced a little about my days at school. It had been eight years since I had graduated, I was over thirty now, I thought, while I looked at myself and noticed I was surprisingly still in good shape. I had taken to the gym and jogging since my wife had started denying me sex, even picked up boxing to get my frustrations out. I was impressed I actually had my six-pack abs back. I hadn't had them since I was active in my high school days. I was a lazy git in University, all my friends were. The only exercise we got was walking to the pub and lifting our elbows with pints.

I lifted my left arm, and flexed my muscles, turning from side to side to admire the contours. "Hmm…" I said, nodding my head. _Not fucking bad. If only I had someone who could appreciate this along with me,_ I scoffed at myself. The towel was hanging on my hips and I noticed the familiar tent popping up that seemed to happen all the time lately with the slightest mention of anything sex related. _I should've taken care of that in the shower,_ I said in my head. _I've got time before I've got to go, so fuck it…_ I whipped off the towel and watched in the mirror as my hand took hold of my cock. I wasn't exactly large, but I wasn't small either, and I definitely didn't curve to either fucking side. Raising the glass to my lips, I took another sip as my hand continued to stroke up and down. Closing my eyes, I set the glass down, leaning my hand on the dresser and bent over picking up the pace. I was getting to be a master at this, I could practically cum on command these days knowing I was always pressured for time and that someone could walk in on me at home. _Maybe I should make this one last_, I thought. Reaching over to the glass with my free hand, I picked up an ice cube and placed it in my right hand without even missing a stroke.

I cursed out loud as the cold made contact with my dick, but it did nothing to stay my erection and I knew it wouldn't. I was passed the point now, and the only remedy was to blow my load. I could feel my balls start to draw up, and the muscles at the base of my cock began to tighten. _I was so close. _I pumped my hand up and down, the ice cube having long since melted, the water helping to create the lubrication I needed to keep up this pace. _Just a few more strokes,_ I thought as I bit my lip, raising my head to stare at myself in the mirror. No one likes watching their cum face, but since no one else had seen it in fifteen months, someone was due to watch it. Smiling a little, I watched my hand move up and down furiously, and briefly looked away to see where the towel was because this was going to be messy. I turned my head for a just second, when a loud, eager knock banged on my door, causing me to cry out. Scaring the shit out of me, or… more like scaring the jizz out of me. I came violently all over the tacky gold framed mirror only grunting in response to the continued bangs on the door.

"Cullen! Open the fucking door!"

_Fuck! _The shock of being interrupted had my heart set at a frenzied pace. I panicked as I tried to control my breaths and my erratic heartbeat, but it was no use. I was standing naked in a hotel room, face flushed from having 'beaten the bishop' to a bloody pulp and the evidence of said beating lay on display all over the mirror.

"Cullen! What the fuck are you doing? I hear you in there. Open up." I heard the perpetrator of my potential cardiac arrest yelling from the other side of the door.

"I'm coming," I yelled in return. _Oh, the irony of that statement._ I was a grown, married man with two children and for a split second I felt as though I was back in university, regretting not putting a sock on the doorknob. Grabbing the discarded towel, I made quick work of the clean up, doing my best to wipe it all off, but it only smudged on the mirror, making it look like a white-wash of sticky goo. _Shit. _I ran to the bathroom, wetting a washcloth and tried to wash up as much as I could off the mirror and the dresser, but instead just made a wet mess of everything in the process. All the while, the banging continued on the door. I was secretly hoping security had been called and they would haul his ass away, but of course I was never that lucky.

I threw the dirty towel and cloth in the tub, and grabbed a clean towel wrapping it around myself. With one quick look in the bathroom mirror to make sure there was no evidence left on my body, and one deep breath to try and calm my unraveling nerves, I walked to the door releasing the latch and opened it to the wide-eyed, grinning mother-fucker who was my former roommate in university.

"It's about time! Your neighbors are nosy fuckers," he said arrogantly, pushing past me with a small black duffel bag in tow. He threw the bag on the king-sized bed and took a look around the room. "Not bad, Cullen, it'll do," he said chuckling as he turned around to finally look at me.

I stood in the narrow hallway, mouth-open, gripping tightly to the towel at my waist, my previous endeavors of a few minutes ago, completely forgotten. He hadn't changed at all. It had been five years since I had last seen him at his wedding here in Chicago, and everything about him was the same, well except for the few small lines around his eyes. His blond hair was still long and scraggly and his body still toned and fit.

"Well, look at you. You been working out?" Jasper laughed at my attire, scoffing at my nakedness. "Was I… interrupting something?" he implied with a knowing smirk.

"Still trying to grow a beard?" I countered, nodding my head in his direction, noticing the little bit of stubble on his chin and upper lip. I casually walked toward the end of the bed, near the dresser and the mirror, hoping to get a better look to make sure I had gotten everything.

"Fuck you." He grabbed his chin rubbing his hand along it. "What you got to drink around here?" Jasper asked, walking toward me and toward the mini-bar. I glanced down and was mortified by what I saw…there on the dresser… in my scotch glass was evidence of my not so subtle earlier _discretion_.

_Shit._

I panicked a little and reached for the glass which caused my towel to slip from my waist. I didn't know which to grab first, my discarded towel on the floor or the cum-filled scotch glass on the dresser. I felt my cheeks start to burn from embarrassment as I quickly bent down to grab the towel. My internal thoughts were interrupted by Jasper's howl, as he bent over letting out a raucous laugh, and all I could do was flush even redder. _Bastard saw the glass._

"I see I _was_ interrupting," he laughed harder as he continued to mock me, "I'll forgo the 'White Russian' if you don't mind, that milk looks a bit…spunky."

"Fucking hilarious, asshole… really," was all I could respond with as I rolled my eyes at him. I grabbed the glass, flushing the contents down the toilet while he continued to laugh at my expense. We really didn't miss a beat, it had been five years since I had seen him and eight years since we lived together and it was like it was yesterday. Things were so easy with Jasper. There would never be another friend in my life like him. We didn't talk often, only major celebrations or events in our lives, neither one of us were much for email or phones, but when we did talk it was like we had spoken only days ago. It was always so natural, our relationship, if that's what it was, and eight years ago perhaps it was _too_ natural.

I watched him from the bathroom mirror, as he poured a drink while still chuckling to himself. He really hadn't changed I realized as I rinsed out the glass, and all the old confusing feelings came rushing back to me at once. My breath caught for a moment, before I hastily suppressed those feelings back to the corner recesses of my mind. It never happened then, so it sure as hell wouldn't happen now. We both had wives, and new lives that neither one of us would ever risk, especially if we hadn't back then when we had nothing to lose.

I shook my head slightly, trying to break free of my thoughts. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought I was meeting all of you at the bar?"

"My wife kicked me out," he said flippantly while he took a sip of vodka, straight up.

My heart stilled for a moment, and there was a slight ringing in my ears. "What?" I asked completely shocked. "Really?" I croaked.

"Nah, she just hates it when the boys and I get together and told me not to come home if I was going to be drinking tonight…and…well …you know how we can get. So you're one lucky bastard, you get me tonight." He smiled, raising his eyebrows up and down.

"Don't you have to work tomorrow?"

"Of course, but unlike you, I make my own hours." He finished his drink in one gulp, and I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down while he swallowed. He caught me staring at him and he slowly licked the remnants of the vodka off his lips while his eyes narrowed a little. "Get dressed, would you? I'm fucking starving and you're abs are giving me a complex."

Talk about a complex, the guy was making me nervous. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just 'Jasper,' it was easy…but that was just it, it was too easy. I hadn't felt this comfortable around another human being in years. I could hear the baseball game on the TV through the bathroom door and pictured him sitting on the bed with his hands behind his neck, resting against the headboard. His long legs straight out in front of him, crossed at the ankles, and a slight smirk playing out on his lips, the same lips I had watched only minutes ago. _This is ridiculous! Absurd. You're married, Edward. You have a beautiful wife and two gorgeous children at home._ I had my hands on either side of the sink, and I stared into the mirror, trying to reason with myself.

I noticed the wrinkles in my navy button-down shirt, and for a brief moment I wondered if Jasper would notice. Which only compounded my guilt. _Why the hell would he notice?_ This is Jasper, your best friend, the same guy you've known for years, and stood beside at his wedding, and he at yours. _Get a grip, Cullen. _Tonight's going to be a good time with all your buddies and it's going to be like any other night. _So why did I feel so different this time? _Simple…I was lonely. Pathetic as it was, that was it. I hadn't touched another person in a long time. Sure, I had my colleagues, we shook hands and laughed at times, but it was all fairly superficial. I hadn't seen my parents since the baby was born, and that was probably the last time I had been truly hugged by someone who meant it. I hadn't shared something personal with someone in over a year. I lived my life as a hollow shell, like one of those chocolate Easter bunnies…all shiny and pretty on the outside, but hollow and empty on the inside.

I refused to let me feel sorry for myself. I was here for business, yes, but I was going to make sure I had a good time while I was here. No whining and no regrets for the next three days. I took a deep breath, gathering myself together, splashed a bit of aftershave on my cheeks and wiped my hands on my button-fly jeans. _I'm good, no more sob story for you, Cullen._ I ran my hands though my hair one last time—knowing it was pointless to try and style it—before opening the door.

Jasper was just as I imagined him sitting on the bed, and I smiled at the fact that I knew him so well. "Let's do this," I said, turning the light off to the bathroom.

He grinned at me from the bed before hopping up and making his way over to me. He pulled me into a giant bear hug, catching me by surprise somewhat.

"I feel a little more comfortable doing this, now that you're fully clothed," he said softly. "It's really good to see you again, Edward."

I closed my eyes reveling in his touch, any touch for that matter, and took a deep breath taking in his familiar woodsy smell.

"You too, Jas, you too," I replied as I patted his back a few times, until he broke the connection.

"Alright, I need a drink, a real one, not these pussy ones they have in your mini-bar."


	2. Chapter 2

**THIS IS A SLASH STORY.**

JASPER & EDWARD, SO IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT...SIMPLE, PLEASE DON'T READ.

*Warning – Language, sexual content*

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**~*Chapter Two*~

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We left my hotel room, making small talk as we headed to the elevator. I had been to Jasper's wedding a few years ago, and him to mine, but it had been eight years since we had been alone, just the two of us. That last night back in University was a night I had never forgotten, and even though neither one of us had ever brought it up, I knew it was something that we would need to talk about eventually. I wondered if this would be the night, or if we would continue as if it never happened like we had for the last eight years.

Eight years...it was a long time, and so much had changed. I was excited to hear what he had been up to, and nervous as all hell if he would bring up the last night I was in Chicago. I had doubted he would, we had both moved on and had our own lives, so I wasn't expecting anything, but even still, the pit in my stomach was weighing heavily as we waited for the elevator to take us down to the bar.

I stared at the wedding ring on my finger, and casually played with it twirling it around as I tried to think of something to say to him about my marriage, my wife, my children…my life, but nothing was coming to mind. It was as if my mind refused to taint this moment with my miseries, and I let out a big breath as the elevator doors opened and I stepped inside.

He walked in behind me and I think he noticed my apprehension as he pushed the button for the Lobby. We rode in silence for a little bit before he turned to me.

"Relax, Cullen," he said warmly trying to calm my nerves, and I had hoped he didn't know the reason for my unease. "Trust me…" he said smiling, "they're all the same." I returned his smile, grateful for his ability to pick up on my moods.

"We all are," he added quietly, just as the doors opened to the lobby and there they all were, all six of them waiting for us as they shouted greetings filled with obscenities.

_**~*~ Eight Years Ago ~*~**_

We had just finished our last exam, for our last class, for our last year of University. It was invigorating and scary all at once. This was the end of an era for us. We'd all be moving on to something bigger and hopefully better. Well I definitely was. I was the only one out of our group that was leaving Chicago. I had been accepted into an internship program at one of the most prestigious financial investment firms on the East Coast, and I was leaving tomorrow. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I was eager to begin my new life, but terrified to leave the comfort of Chicago and leave behind the friendships I had made over the last four years.

We didn't belong to a fraternity, but it was a fraternity of sorts. There were eight of us and we all met in our first year, four rooms all of us sharing one floor. It was extremely rare that eight freshmen were assigned to one floor, and to have so much in common and actually got along was unheard of. We had remained friends over the duration of school and even applied for the same housing for the next two years. My roommate for the entire four years was, one, Mr. Jasper Whitlock, a typical smart-ass with a laid back disposition. We got along famously since the first moment he kicked open the door to our room with his weather-beaten cowboy boots, carrying a guitar case and a large, old, battered steamer trunk.

"Thank fuck that's over!" Jasper hollered in my ear as we left the lecture hall. He clapped me on the shoulder jumping on my back a little as we walked down the steps.

"How'd you do?" I asked, wondering if he thought it was as hard as I did.

"Who cares? It's over. Stop dwelling, Cullen, nothing you can do about it now." He shoved my head laughing at my predictability, but then stopped in his tracks while I turned and looked at him curiously.

"What?" I asked.

He smiled a little and let out the most deafening scream, almost like he was howling at the moon, except it was mid-afternoon and we were surrounded by students walking to and from their exams.

I rolled my eyes, not too concerned by his behavior. Jasper wasn't exactly reserved, he liked to think he was low key and didn't draw attention to himself, and for the most part he was, but every once in awhile his extroverted tendencies broke through his quiet reserve.

"You're insane, you realize that, right?" I said, turning to continue walking to get away from his antics.

"God! That felt good. You should try it," he ran to catch up to me, "you know…it might do you some good. Loosen you up a bit." He grabbed my shoulders giving them a bit of a massage. "Where are we headed tonight?"

I took a deep breath enjoying his hands on my shoulders. They worked out the kinks in my muscles from hunching over the wooden desk I'd been sitting at for the last three hours. It felt so good that I let out an involuntary moan without even thinking. I felt his hands stiffen as he cleared his throat, immediately dropping his hands. The flames of embarrassment burned their way up from my stomach to my cheeks, appalled by my body's inability to control itself.

"Um…well, we have two options," I quickly said, trying to change the subject. "Some people are heading to the bar, and some are heading to that house on Langley for the barbeque. What do you want to do?"

He stood still for a moment, staring at the blue sky, his fingers interlocked resting behind his head as he analyzed both options.

"I say we head to the barbeque, get some free food, then head to the bar," he said smirking. "Best of both."

That was Jasper, always honest and direct and always looking for the best opportunities. I could never fault him though, he never made rash decisions, and carefully thought out everything, and rarely led us astray.

"Sounds good, I'll let everyone know," I said, reaching into my messenger bag for my phone.

"Alright then! Let's get drunk!" he hollered as we continued walking back to the apartment we shared near campus.

True to his word, Jasper was adamant we spend our last night getting drunk and possibly getting laid. Neither of us had had a steady girlfriend during our time at school. We just never found someone that we gave a damn enough about to continue something long term. Our friendships were too important and most of the girls we met couldn't handle that. They usually wanted to control us and couldn't understand that the eight of us were so tight and preferred each other's company probably more than we should have. But as long as we got our dicks wet whenever we needed to, there really wasn't any point to a relationship.

Jasper and I had been roommates for all four years, the last two we spent in the same two bedroom apartment close to campus and usually everyone congregated there after a big night out. We got home from our exams, and I finished packing while Jasper played his guitar. He would be staying on in this apartment for a little bit longer, at least until he found a permanent job and decided where he wanted to live. Neither of us spoke of my impending departure, instead, choosing to drink the cold beer in the fridge before it was time to head out to the barbeque.

I could tell something was bothering him from the chords he was playing on his guitar. I knew him better than he knew himself, and vice versa. I didn't recognize the song he was playing, so I figured it was something new, probably coming off the top of his head. It was slow and sad if that was even possible, and it was depressing the hell out of me.

"Dude…what the fuck are you playing? This is our last night, put the stereo on 'cause that shit is miserable." I had walked into his room and I held a few t-shirts in my hand, trying to fold them against my chest. He was staring at the floor, his brows were furrowed in concentration, and I could tell by the set of his shoulders that what I'd said had pissed him off.

"Sorry, it's just…tonight's our last night and I—"

"I know…you're right." He ran his hand through his hair and took a swig of his beer. "Sorry," he whispered as he leaned over for the remote to the stereo pressing the power button and instantly the room was drowned out with some John Lee Hooker.

I stood in his doorway for a few seconds watching him while he stood up turning his back to me and walked over to the window at the far side of his room. His hands were in his pockets, and again, his shoulders were tense. I opened my mouth to say something, but immediately closed it. I knew that stance of his, he didn't want to talk about it, and I sure as shit wasn't going to press him on it, because there was nothing to be said. Jasper was a moody fuck, and I just needed to give him a few minutes to himself and then sooner or later he would be hollering down the hallway at me about breaking open the premium bottle of Tequila he'd been saving up for this night.

I managed to finish up the last of my packing, organizing what I was shipping and what I was taking on the plane with me into two different piles. I dropped that last box in the "to be shipped" pile, and sure enough, Jasper was standing in the doorway with the bottle of Tequila resting between his fingers.

He waved it back and forth, silently inviting me to have a drink. I chuckled at him and how much we really did know each other. Shaking my head while I walked toward him, I grabbed the bottle from him and took a sip as I clapped him on the shoulder.

"Shut the fuck up," he said while laughing.

"Aaah." I winced and coughed a little as it burned my throat and my eyes started to water.

"Yah, pussy! This is the good stuff," he mocked me. "You going to be able to handle this tonight?" he said with a wry smile.

"Fuck you! We'll see who's standing at the end of the night," I said as I took another chug from the bottle. This one went down a lot smoother but he continued to laugh at me while I handed the bottle back to him.

He stared at me, his eyes narrowing. "To tonight," he said raising the bottle, taking a sip while his eyes never broke their gaze from mine. He licked his lips, and for the life of me I couldn't understand why I had noticed that.

We left for the barbeque soon after, with plans to meet the rest of the guys there. It was a fairly typical evening, food, booze, music and drunk chicks. We had every intention of heading to the bar after a few hours, but the night kind of got away from us. The Tequila was working its magic and before we knew it, Jasper and I were FUBAR'd along with everyone else at the party.

I had spent the majority of the night playing poker in the corner of the back yard under the patio lanterns and some twinkling lights, while Jasper was somewhere inside playing guitar. The other guys were scattered about, trying to get some pussy where they could—a kind of last hurrah to their final year. I had managed to clean up at poker, winning about $300, which would come in handy at the bar if we ever made it there. I collected my winnings, opting out of the next hand which was conveniently switching to strip poker as a busty blonde sat down. She pouted her lips while I stood up, sticking her tits out, and pleading with me to stay. This chick had always scared me a little, she had been trying to get at my dick for four years, and even as drunk as I was, I wasn't going there. My sophomore year I had learned the hard way, that even my dick had limits, besides, tonight wasn't even close to wrapping up and I didn't want to waste it with that diseased whore.

I graciously declined her offer and left the table heading back to the house in search of Jasper, hoping he was ready to head to the bar. I was sure he'd be ready to leave, as would the other guys. The alcohol was dwindling, the keg was on its last legs, and we would definitely need some more alcohol to achieve the desired level of drunkenness we had planned for this evening. I had a quick look around the yard and happened to notice most of the guys were buried deep in tits of all sorts. _They worked fast,_ I thought to myself. _Maybe they won't want to leave._ I wasn't sure if I was a little pissed off, or jealous. I knew I could be in the same predicament if I wanted to. There were a pair of double D's behind me that would be glad to let me bury my nose into them, but tonight wasn't about that, at least not yet anyway. I figured I would grab Jasper, and then the rest of them could follow us, or stay, I'd leave it up to them.

Walking up the back porch stairs, I could hear the guitars playing in the house, and followed the sound knowing I would find him there. My eyes did a quick sweep of the room and didn't notice him there. I was greeted by a few shouts of "Edward" while I walked through the room, and I waved in return, trying to focus and get my bearings.

A little brunette, wearing next to nothing, stopped me and snaked her finger down my chest. "Hey, Edward," she purred.

"Heeeey…" I said, trying to cover the fact that I had forgotten her name. I knew she was a "Delta something" or whatever, but I think that was the extent of my knowledge of her.

"This is your last night isn't it?"

I managed to grab her fingers before they hit my belt. "Ah…yeah," I said a little uneasily. I was having trouble focusing and standing upright while looking down at her face.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go upstairs…you know…and…_talk._" She emphasized the word talk while she smiled, licking her lips.

"Um…yeah…sure. I just need to find Jasper first." I knew what she was implying, and I wasn't exactly adverse to it, if I remembered correctly, I think she was a gymnast, which could prove to be interesting later tonight, but I had plans first. If anything, I could drag her to the bar with us, save my options in the event something better didn't come along.

She grabbed my arm, giggling while she bit her finger. _God, I hated it when chicks did that shit._ _Was that supposed to be sexy?_ I did my best to control myself from rolling my eyes as I responded to her.

"Give me a minute to find out what's happening and I'll be right back. Alright?" I winked at her, sealing the deal for the night.

"Promise?" she pouted.

"Promise," I said leaning in to whisper in her ear, while I placed my hand on her waist. _Works every fucking time,_ I thought to myself as I watched her swoon a little.

I asked around if anyone had seen Jasper, and a few people said they had seen him heading to the basement, which I promptly headed toward knowing he'd be ready to go. I had $300 in my pocket and if I wasn't shitfaced enough by the end of the night, I had a backup fuck as I nice farewell to Chicago.

I walked down the stairs, careful not to hit my head on the low ceiling beam, and turned the corner to see Jasper pressing some chick up against the washing machine. Her leg was raised up around his waist, and her short little skirt was giving him full access to her sweet spot. He was driving his fingers into her smooth bare cunt while he grunted in pleasure as she moaned in ecstasy. I stopped short, watching them continue without them even knowing I was there. He stuck his tongue down her throat as she said his name and I felt a twinge of _something_ at hearing her call his name. I didn't know what it was but all I thought was _who the hell was this bitch?_ I couldn't believe the feelings that were surfacing. I had seen Jasper take countless chicks home, and I had been privy to their sessions having our bedrooms share a wall. None of them had bothered me like this had. Perhaps it was because it was my last night, or maybe it was that I'd turned down two fucks because I knew the night wasn't over, consciously aware of Jasper and here he was fucking some skank completely forgetting about me. Whatever it was, I needed to get a grip, and I desperately needed another drink. I quietly turned, not wanting them to see me, and headed for the stairs when the gymnast at the top of the stairs saw me, and yelled down to me.

"Edward! There you are!" she said loudly and I cringed knowing that Jasper and his bimbo would have heard and would be staring at my hunched over shoulders right at this moment. The gymnast, in her tiny little outfit, had started to walk down the stairs.

"You said you were coming back. I was lonely," she whined. I had yet to turn around and look at my best friend. On any other occasion, I probably would have hollered and ridiculed him, and I didn't know why it was different this time. We would have laughed about it and he would have told me to get the fuck out and I would have made fun of him for the rest of the night. But something in the air was different this time…I could feel it.

The perky pre-pubescent had finally reached the last step and having seen Jasper and the strawberry blonde skank, she exclaimed with a loud, "Oh!" as she flushed taking in the spectacle. She stood shocked for a moment, not sure of what to do, and then a large shit-eating grin broke out on her face.

"Oh," she said with a little more enthusiasm. "_This_ is what you've been up to." She winked as she placed her arms around my shoulders. "Why didn't you come get me?" She pushed me backward as she stepped off the last step, leading me over toward the freezer that was next to the washer and dryer. I didn't want to look anywhere else, so I continued to look at her face while she swung us around, hopped up on the freezer, and wrapped her tight little legs around my waist. I couldn't help myself any longer and, as 'Mary-Lou Retton,' or so I'd come to calling her in my head, leaned in and started kissing my neck, I snuck a peek to my right at Jasper. His head was resting up against the skank's chest, his fingers still buried deep in her pussy but he was staring at me with such an intensity I had to look away.

This was a new experience for us, we had never done something like this and I was a little uncomfortable with it, but as I heard the skank moan again, sure that Jasper had moved his fingers, I didn't care. I dove into Mary-Lou, pressing my cock up against her jean shorts while I ripped off her bikini top sucking on her barely there tits. She reached for my belt and quickly undid it, pushing my pants and boxers to the ground. My knees banged up against the freezer and I pulled her closer to me, almost lifting her completely off the top of it trying to get her closer. She grabbed hold of my dick, a little too roughly, causing me to cry out, and I hissed as her fingernails dragged down the length of it.

I stole another glance to my right, and Jasper had removed his pants and had the skank on her knees sucking his cock. His hands rested on her head as he guided her speed, pumping his hips toward her mouth. The thing was, he wasn't staring at her, he was still staring at me. With every thrust he jutted his chin out, biting his lip while his eyes were focused on my face. I stopped trying to remove Mary-Lou's pants for a second, a little unnerved by it all, I wasn't sure if I could go through with this, but as she squeezed my balls a little too hard, I was snapped backed, focusing on her pants. She was already wet, _thank God,_and I plunged my finger in her neat, little, trimmed pussy. She threw her head back and yelled for more which I complied, and looked back at Jasper.

He was still staring, but this time he was staring at my cock and Mary-Lou's tight little hands as she pumped me up and down. His tongue slipped out from his lips, and for the second time tonight I noticed it, but this time, I felt my cock grow harder at this revelation. I continued my ministrations on Mary-Lou, grateful she was a gymnast, because there was no way a normal girl could do what she was doing with her hands, while I was doing what I was doing with mine.

She was cursing my name as I picked up my speed, placing my thumb at the spot I knew would drive her over the edge. I didn't think Jasper could last much longer at the pace he was going at, and in that brief moment I wondered if the skank was enjoying herself. I couldn't see her face, but her moans were either craftily contrived, or she seemed to be getting some pleasure from Jasper fucking her mouth, and then I wondered if she'd swallow, which caused that pit in my stomach to flare up again. I shook my head, as Jasper's grin played out on his lips. It was like he could read my mind, which was ridiculous, but here I was getting off, painfully I might add, but nonetheless getting off, and I was thinking about him, and he knew it.

I was broken from my thoughts by the screams of Mary-fucking-Lou coming around my fingers. She yelled my name falling in a heap on the freezer. Breathing heavily, she giggled as her high-pitched annoying voice was telling me that I was fucking amazing, and she continued to stroke my cock that had been temporarily forgotten in the process. She picked up her pace again, gripping a little too hard again, and her other tiny hand cupped my balls squeezing a little too enthusiastically…again. I cried out, bracing my hands on the freezer, and I heard Jasper chuckle at my pain. I snapped my head around to glare at him, and I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but something prevented me as soon as I saw his face. I had expected it to be smug, but instead it was almost…heartbreaking… for lack of a better word.

I could feel my face soften and I was sure I must have looked shocked, because for the first time, Jasper broke his gaze and looked down at the strawberry-blonde on her knees. His face clenched and he sucked in a staggering breath. He stopped her, grabbing the sides of her head, pushing her back.

"I'm coming," he whispered out of breath, and then raised his head to stare back at me before he let out a few grunts, jerking his cock a few times with his hand as he finished himself off. He continued to stare at me, as he breathed heavily, his chest moving up and down, and I felt the familiar tightening at the base of my cock. With one last moan from Jasper, I fucking exploded all over Mary-Lou, and she laughed while I held his gaze and I knew the look on my face was a "fuck you."

I wasn't even listening to Mary-Lou or whatever the fuck her name was. My head was reeling from what had just happened. I vaguely remembered Jasper's skank saying "my turn" or something along those lines, but all I wanted to do was get out of there. I couldn't stand to be anywhere in the vicinity of any of this shit. I leaned over grabbing a towel from the wash basin and cleaned myself as I pulled up my pants and headed for the stairs. The voices behind me were incoherent, and I wanted nothing to do with them. Taking the steps two at a time, I burst out through the door into the kitchen, grabbing a full bottle of Tequila while I headed out the backdoor. I didn't stop until I had walked through the back gate into the alley. The only thing I wanted to do right now was drink myself into oblivion, and this bottle was going to get me there.

Sitting down on a pile of wood, I pushed my knees up, leaning my back up against the fence. _What the fuck was that?_ My head was screaming. I could feel my eyes start to water, and I banged my head against the fence to try and dull the pain. I continued to pull from the bottle, choking a little as the Tequila burned my throat, but I didn't want to stop until I was comfortably numb.


	3. Chapter 3

**THIS IS A SLASH STORY**

JASPER & EDWARD, SO IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT...SIMPLE, PLEASE DON'T READ.

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**~*Chapter Three*~

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I wasn't sure how much time had passed but a good third of the bottle was gone when I heard the hinges from the gate to the backyard squeak as someone opened it. My head was between my legs, and I didn't look up knowing exactly who it was. I felt him sit beside me, and he reached for the bottle taking a swig, choking a little as it went down.

I couldn't help myself, but I had to laugh a little, and mumbled, "Pussy," just as he had done the same with me earlier. We sat in silence for a little while longer, neither of us knowing what to say. It was one of the strangest days and I really didn't want our four years to end like this. So instead of talking and messing it up even further, we both just sat in the dark listening to the music from the party playing in the background and the muffled laughs and shouts of our friends crying out in the night.

I had no fucking clue how the night was supposed to play out, but I never would have guessed that I would let some gymnast, or whatever the fuck she was, get me off while Jasper watched. But the worst part of it was, I never would have guessed I would have enjoyed Jasper watching me as much as I had. I think that was what was so hard to take. He was the closest thing I had in this world, but that didn't mean I wanted to go there. I couldn't figure out how this night had taken this turn, and maybe I wasn't supposed to. It happened. Big fucking deal. I could be a dick about it, and sit here for the rest of the night feeling sorry for myself, or I could shake it off and enjoy the rest of the night.

"I raised my head, looking at him while I took the tequila bottle back. He was leaning his head back up against the fence, and his look was hard as if he was concentrating on something that involved a lot of deep thought. What I wouldn't give to be able to read his mind, I just hoped he wasn't weirded out by the fact that I had seemed to enjoy what had happened. I drank from the bottle and the sound of the tequila hitting the edge of the bottle caused him to raise his head to look at me. He was sad again, and the only thing that I wanted to do was ease his suffering, so I forgot my insecurities, and did the only thing I could think of. I laughed.

I couldn't help myself, because so far the evening had been completely absurd, and it was all I could do to not go insane with worry and thought. My laughter continued as I told him about the $300 I had won earlier, and then, reluctantly, he joined me in laughing our troubles away just like we usually did. The tequila had worked its magic, yet again, and we were feeling no pain, the events of the night easily forgotten…at least temporarily. I had no idea what his thoughts of the night were, and I was a little terrified to find out, so I tried my best to push it from my head.

"You fucker," I said, a little more serious, and his face dropped at my words. There was so much behind it, and I didn't really mean to say it out loud, but it just kind of slipped out, so I quickly added, "Are we going to the bar or not?"

He took a deep breath, letting out a huge sigh and smiled half-heartedly and, again, I saw a trace of sadness there, but before I could say anything more, he was up on his feet mocking my inability to hold my liquor and goading me to try and catch up to him.

We eventually left the barbeque to head to the bar, both of us feeling the need to vacate the party before we managed to run into the skank twins again. Having left the guys at the party, I had $300 burning a hole in my pocket which meant a lot of shots for the two of us and whatever "friends" we picked up along the way. The bar was pretty uneventful, probably because both of us were too shitfaced to even see straight. We talked of the past, reminiscing about our _stupider_days, but that's how it was with Jasper and me, we could make the best of things no matter where we were. It was easy with us, nothing was ever forced.

I could tell we both were completely avoiding the subject of what had happened earlier, but neither of us was ready to bring it up and before we knew it, last call was announced and the lights came on as the friendly neighborhood bouncers tried to kick everyone out.

It was late and we continued to reminisce about the last four years as we made our way back from the bar. I could barely keep upright, and neither could Jasper. We both had an arm around each other trying to support one another while we stumbled along the back alleys toward our apartment. Both of us slurring, and laughing as we swapped stories about ridiculous things.

"Do you…remember when you brought that chick home sophomore year who screamed, 'Fucker, fucker, fucker' at the top of her lungs when you went down on her?" Jasper asked me, slurring his words as he stopped walking, placing his other hand on my chest. "That ch-chick," he slapped his hand on my chest at each word that came out of his mouth, "was in-sane!"

I snorted remembering her and shook my head in disbelief.

"She was crazy...I have _no_ idea what I was thinking?"

"She was a red-head! I bet you, you couldn't get a red-head that night!" he exclaimed. "Don't you remember?"

He was surprised I hadn't remembered, but I had. I also remembered that it was one of the worst nights of my life. I didn't want to take her home, she was kind of a bitch, and when I fucked her she scratched the shit out of my back and tore apart my bed along with screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs. There was no way I could ever have forgotten that. That was another weird night, that one. Jasper had goaded me into picking her up, and of course the other guys went along with him, and I'd like to say I had a choice, but I wasn't so sure. It had been awhile since I had fucked someone, and they said they were doing me a favor. Needless to say, I never agreed to one of their "favors" ever again.

I was holding Jasper upright with one arm, while he was leaning into me, his head at my chest. He slowly looked up at me, and I felt a shift in the air, like when you can feel the denseness in the atmosphere right before a storm comes. His eyes were filled with such sadness, the only thought I had was that I wished I could read his mind, feeling a need to comfort him again. I tightened my hold on him a little, making sure he wouldn't fall. The moon was full and bright, and I was surprised that I could see it overhead in the city at this time of night. We stood in the alley, inches apart from each other and the warm spring air did nothing to stop my chills. Trembling a little, I continued to look into his melancholy eyes.

"I never thought you'd go through with it," Jasper said quietly, breaking the silence of the night. "She wasn't your type…that's why I picked her."

"Why would you do that?" My heart was racing, thundering in my ears. He shifted his grip around my shoulder and brought himself upright, only inches from my face, his expression full of pain.

He shook his head ever so slightly, and furrowed his eyebrows in concentration, like he was weighing a heavy decision. My breaths became quick and labored as my chest rose and fell, trying to get air into my lungs.

"I don't know what it is with you…" he whispered, and I felt his warm breath on my cheek.

I wanted to push away, get out from his arms, but it was like I was frozen in time, as though this wasn't really happening in this moment, and then I thought back to earlier this evening, and the feeling I had while I watched him and he watched me. The buzzing sound in my ears was filtering the rest of the world out, and there was nothing else, but him and my thoughts. I didn't understand where this feeling was coming from, but that familiar feeling from hours ago, came rushing back. He was my best friend, and there was no one else in this world that I was closer to. We shared everything, we spent every waking moment with each other. In four short years, we had created a perfect symbiotic relationship. One built on friendship, laughs, trust and love.

"I'm not ga—"

"I know." I cut him off because I knew what he was going to say, the same thoughts were running through my head. I loved Jasper, probably more than anyone else in my life, apart from my parents. We never spoke of this; we both just knew undeniably that we had something special. I never wondered if Jasper was gay, as I'm sure he never wondered if I was, because we weren't, but that didn't stop me from loving him in my own way. When it came to us, it was all grey, there was no black and white. We both knew that.

I looked in his eyes, and there was a hunger there now, and I wondered if the same look was reflecting back in my eyes.

"What does this mean?" he asked, almost begging me to give him some answers, but all I could do was shake my head while never breaking our gaze. I could feel his chest pumping up and down against my own, his breaths heavy like mine. His tongue slowly slid from his mouth, and I watched him lick his lips in anticipation. _That god damn tongue again._ I had no idea what he was expecting, fuck, I had no idea what to expect.

"I've never…" he said shaking his head back and forth, his gaze focusing on my mouth and I shivered as I realized what we were about to do. I didn't know if I wanted to, but I wasn't sure I didn't want to either. I was leaving tomorrow night, to move across the country. Our idealistic symbiosis was coming to an end in less than twenty-four hours. It had been a hard reality ever since my acceptance letter arrived in the mail. Neither of us talked about what this meant, choosing to ignore it instead. Missing Jasper was not something I was prepared for, not something that had entered into my train of thoughts. It was something I didn't want to admit to myself, and I knew, unquestionably, he had been thinking the same thing, each of us avoiding it like a disease that threatened to tear us apart. The only hint I got from him in the past few weeks was the constant picking of his guitar. There was a constant barrage of Nick Drake echoing from his door, while I in turn, played Debussy relentlessly on my piano.

While the alcohol pumped through our veins, giving us the courage neither of us would ever have had without it, we were forcing ourselves to figure this out. I had never kissed a man, but I stood here in the darkness of the alley with the only person my heart truly trusted, and my heart ached for him, and my stomach flipped, tossing and turning, so that I had to steady myself against the brick wall behind me.

"Me neither," I whispered.

He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly and I could smell the faint trace of tequila and mint on his breath. His hair had fallen forward from behind his ears, the humidity of the night causing it to curl a little. I noticed a tiny white scar just above his left eyebrow that I had never seen before, and I felt on overwhelming urge to lean forward and press my lips against it. So I did. Leaning forward ever so slightly, I placed my lips on his brow while he let out a staggering breath against my neck. It caused my skin to burn, sending a blaze throughout my body. I kept my lips there for just a moment, reveling in the feel of him.

"Fffuck," he said slowly, turning his head into the side of my neck, rubbing his nose along the side of it up to my jaw. "What are we doing," he whispered, more of a statement than a question.

Slowly, I removed my lips from his brow, still feeling his warm breath on my face, and I opened my eyes to see that his mouth was inches from my own. The same mouth I'd known for years, but not until tonight had I really looked at it. His lips were thin, yet wide and smooth, and I watched in complete fascination as his tongue slowly slipped out licking his bottom lip in expectation for what we were about to do.

We both had stopped breathing, waiting for the other to make the next move, and I felt a spark of heat rush through my body, ending at the unexpected place between my legs. My face flamed hot from the emotions that were running over me and the embarrassment to the reaction of my cock from his nearness. A man had never gotten me hard…and this was such a surprise that I wasn't sure if this was really happening.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ This was about all my brain could muster. Between the alcohol and the turmoil of my body and mind, I was unsure of what to do, but all the while loving the sensations that were quietly surfacing.

Instinct made me lean in closer and brush my lips against his while my heart skidded to a halt. His lips were harder than a woman's and the scent of his cologne was such a different smell, it was earthy not flowery like I was used to…like I had smelled only hours ago. But none of this mattered, because whatever the differences, I wanted this, I could feel every inch of my body screaming for it.

I felt his tongue slip out and when it touched my lips, I gasped from the surprise, but willingly opened my mouth despite my hesitation. We both moaned at the contact and I could feel the moisture from his lips and the heat from his breath as his tongue swept over mine. My hand fisted the back of his shirt, while the other went to his hair, gripping it tightly and pushing him deeper into my mouth, forcing my tongue into his. We battled, both wanting to feast on what we had denied ourselves all these years.

Jasper pushed himself up against me and having nowhere else to go, with the brick wall up against my back, I felt his cock press against my thigh. The sensation was alien and startled me a little, but as he moved, his hip grazed against my own hardness and I let out an involuntary moan from the pressure. His hand found its way to my belt and started to pull the end through my belt loops to undo it.

My heart was pounding as I realized what he was about to do, and for a split second I hesitated while my breath caught, but his hip made contact with my painfully erect cock again, and I threw caution to the wind. Driving my tongue into his mouth, I grasped his hips and desperately pulled them against me for more friction. _Were we really going to do_this_in an alley?_My thoughts rang out in my head while I tried to rationalize with my body. But just as I was realizing it was futile to argue with my cock, the back door to one of the bars swung open splashing the alley with light. A stout man walked out tossing a bag of garbage into a dumpster while he lit up a cigarette.

The spell was broken and we jumped apart from one another, each of us hissing at the loss of contact. I sunk down against the brick wall trying to get myself under control while Jasper turned his back to me placing his hands on his head. The man gave a simple wave to Jasper, but didn't notice me in the shadows of the alley. Jasper started pacing in circles, keeping his hands on his head while trying to get his breathing under control. An extremely painful minute later, someone from the restaurant yelled out to the man, and he cursed, flicking his cigarette to the pavement while walking back into the bar.

Jasper let out a huge sigh while turning on the heel of his cowboy boot to face me, arms still raised over his head. I could see the effect of our little session and I couldn't help but smirk.

"Fucking hell," he exhaled, rubbing his hands over his face. He bent down, leaning on his heels placing his head in his hands. If he was feeling anything like I was, he would be trying to soothe the rawness on his chin and lips from my stubble. My face was inflamed and tingling from the little bit of peach fuzz Jasper had, so I could only imagine what he was feeling from my scruff. _Is this what women went through?_ And I started to chuckle at my revelation.

"It's not fucking funny," he snapped at me, and I stopped laughing.

"Well, what the fuck do you want me to do? You think this is sunshine and roses for me?" I asked incredulously, glaring back at him from the shadows.

"Why the hell were you laughing then?" He looked up at me, his expression one of annoyance. I defiantly lifted my chin, holding his stare. I wasn't about to take the blame for what had just happened, we were both equally responsible.

Part of his face was cast in shadow, but his mouth was in full light and I could see the corners of his mouth start to tug into a smile. I couldn't help but start laughing again, as did he.

"We're in an alley," I offered. "A disgusting, fucking alley, and we just kissed. What. The. _Fuck_?" I said with astonishment in my voice. "What the _hell_ are we doing?" I ran a hand over my mouth, reliving the touch of his lips on mine.

His smile faltered, and immediately I felt terrible for what I had said.

"It's just this—"

"It's okay…don't," he said standing up, running his hands through his hair again, tugging at the ends of it. He turned from me, and started walking away.

"Wait…that's not what I meant." I ran to catch up with him. "It's just…it's just this isn't the place..." I grabbed his arm, turning him to face me, "...you know…for this," I finished quietly.

"What do you want to do?" he asked, his face masked in pain.

We were both so confused. I couldn't make sense of any of it, but all I knew was that somehow this wasn't over. And maybe it was still the alcohol in my bloodstream, but I had never felt this way with anyone.

"I don't know." He started to turn from me. "I don't!" I said quickly. "But I do know, this isn't over, is it?"

He bent his head forward, taking a deep breath and let it all out before speaking. "No," he whispered.

"Let's go home and figure this out." I wasn't sure if that meant we were going to continue where we had left off or if we were going to really talk this through, but I didn't want this to all go down in this disgusting alley. He nodded his head in agreement, and we walked the rest of the way home, not speaking another word.

We got up to the front step of the old apartment building, the light in the front foyer was out again, and we were enveloped in blackness. He turned to me just as he was about to open the door, his head was down and he was swinging the keys on his thumb, catching them each time they swung around.

"Look," he said with one final flick of the keys, "before we go inside and face each other in the reality of our apartment, I just want you to know…I don't regret it. At all." His head was still down and he scuffed his boot on the mat. "I don't know what's going to happen…I…I just wanted you to know that."

I wasn't sure why, but his words caused my heart to soar just a little. I was so relieved he had said that, because I knew I was feeling the same way, and I was impressed he was brave enough to admit it. The least I could do was be honest as well. Whatever happened tonight, in this moment, I didn't care, and I needed him to know that.

"Me neither," I said quietly in return. He lifted his head, and even though I couldn't see his face, for some strange reason I knew he was smiling. I grabbed his hand that was holding the keys and took them from him, giving his hand a little squeeze. Opening the door, I said, "Come on," and held the door open for him.

"You're holding the door for me now?" He snorted at my gesture, pushing past me into the blackness of the foyer.

I couldn't believe that only a few minutes ago, Jasper was unbuckling my belt, and I had a raging hard on from his touch. _What the hell were we doing? What the hell would we have done? Would he have sucked my cock? Would I have let him?_ Yes, I absolutely fucking would have. _Would I still let him?_I wasn't sure, but I was possibly willing to find out again.

We got to the door of our apartment and light was spilling under the doorway, which I knew was not a good sign. Jasper and I never left the lights on in our apartment, we paid for electricity and that was something we were always conscious about. Jasper groaned placing his head on the door while I heard shouts coming from inside.

"Fuck," he growled turning his head to look at me apologetically. "I might have told the guys to meet us back here. I forgot."

I wasn't sure if I was relieved or pissed off, perhaps a little of both, but this night and all it encompassed was over, that much I knew. The guys would stay here until dawn, and I would leave in a few short hours after that. Maybe Jasper and I had just been caught up in the moment, because standing in front of our door with our friends on the other side, all of my feelings and curiosities from a few minutes ago were gone. In their place was the hard truth of who we were, and the guilt and shame of what we had just done caused my stomach to turn. I was not about to fuck up my life for a fleeting feeling or drunk curiosities. The shouts and laughter from the other side of the door brought me crashing back to reality and it was like hitting that brick wall all over again. I was sober, not just from the alcohol but from the lust induced haze and excitement from the alley. _This_ was who we were, we did not have room in our lives for the other parts of ourselves.

I looked at the door, because I could no longer look at Jasper, and I reached up to peel a piece of the crackling paint from it. "It's okay," I said indifferently, "this is how it should be." From my periphery, I saw him close his eyes.

He took one last deep breath, his face etched in confusion. "Okay," he breathed out and we stood there for a moment, while I continued to pick the paint off the door. He reached his hand up to do the same, his pinkie finger just barely grazing mine and I watched, while holding my breath, as he stretched it out, gently caressing my finger in return. Closing my eyes, I let out a deep, but staggered, breath as he did the same. Before I could say anything more, his hand grasped the door handle twisting it open breaking any connection that we had shared.

"What the fuck do you think you guys are doing?" he yelled at our friends who happened to be sprawled out on the couches drinking our beer and playing video games. "You better have saved me some beer!"

"It's about fucking time, yah pussies! Where the hell've you been?" was the response Jasper got.

I walked into the kitchen, pulling two beers from the fridge, preparing myself for the onslaught of the rest of the night. _This is how it's supposed to be,_I said to myself one last time before joining the others.

_**~*~Present Day~*~**_

I couldn't believe I had remembered every detail of that night with perfect clarity. We were sitting at a table with a few pitchers of beer in front of us, and I hadn't really been paying attention to what everyone was saying. I was pretending to quietly listen while everyone filled me in on their lives and what they had been doing. I should have been listening, because they were only playing catch up for my benefit, but instead, my thoughts had wandered back to that night, and I was mortified at the feelings it was stirring in me all over again.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, trying to cover up the slight bulge in my jeans, placing a napkin in my lap. From the corner of my eye, I felt Jasper's stare and my face reddened while I tried to avoid his gaze. I cleared my throat, which was a mistake because the attention turned to me and the others wanted to know what was happening in my life. I was reluctant to talk about it, but decided it was probably a good idea to change the subject and keep my brain from wandering back to that night. So I filled them in on my job and my kids, and glossed over my wife and our lives without any of them knowing the wiser.

It wasn't long and the pleasantries were over, and we were all right back to where we were eight years ago, cracking jokes and taking the piss out of everyone. The evening wore on with good food, good drinks, good laughter…and good friends, and never once did I think back to that night for fear of rehashing anything that could get myself into trouble. _This was how it's supposed to be,_ I reminded myself, but as I briefly looked over at Jasper, it was as if I was right back in that hallway peeling the paint off the door wondering 'what if.'


	4. Chapter 4

**~*Chapter Four*~

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The evening was fairly uneventful, at least compared to some of our previous endeavours over the years. We enjoyed catching up, and of course, the chance to ridicule each other with stories of the past was too enticing. We had all grown and moved on from the dickheads we were in College. But despite the wives, the children, the jobs, we still managed to maintain our youth around the table. We had our fair share of laughs, and when the bartender told us it was last call, we were surprised. It was still early, but a Sunday night in a hotel lounge didn't exactly scream late night.

We had been expecting a riotous night out, but instead re-acquainted ourselves with one another, and it seemed right after all these years. There was talk of moving the party to a new bar, but eventually we decided on an early night to prepare ourselves for a late outing tomorrow. I wasn't disappointed in the way the evening turned out, none of us were. It was comforting to know we could all 'pick up' where we left off all those years ago.

As I said my goodbyes to the guys, with catcalls of 'pussy' for bailing early, I realized how much I missed this. How much I missed the idea of friendship, camaraderie and a sense of belonging. Back East, I didn't have any of this. I had my job, and I had my kids. I liked to think I had my wife, but that was debatable. I didn't belong anywhere or with anyone, I was an island unto myself.

A hand clamped down on my shoulder, and I jumped, swiftly coming out of my reverie. Jasper held up a bottle of whiskey that he had managed to swindle from the barkeep.

"Rooftop?" he said swinging it in front of my face. I could only nod my head in return for I didn't trust myself to speak.

We walked in silence to the elevator, our heavy footsteps echoing in the empty lobby. As we stepped into the elevator, I caught Jasper's eye in the mirror while he pressed the button for the top floor where the swimming pool and gym were located. I doubted it would be open, I doubted we could even get on to the patio, but Jasper always had a way to make things happen, so I trusted him.

He held my gaze, as he straightened up and it was me who had to look away first. That one look seemed to speak volumes, like he could read every thought I ever had. He could see right through my façade, he always could.

The elevator chimed and the doors opened. I could smell the chlorine of the pool and the air was humid, but warm. The hallway was dimly lit, obviously indicating this area was now closed, but Jasper stepped through the door, and walked to the end of the hallway. He pulled a keycard from his back pocket and swiped it over the grey security pad. The light switched from red to green and he grabbed the door turning back to give me a wide grin while he held it open for me.

My thoughts flashed to the night back at our apartment when I held the door for him. My breath hitched, just a little, while I walked through trying to push the memory from my head.

The pool was one of those that was half inside and half outside. It was surrounded by glass walls, and at the other end of the pool there was a break in the glass where one could dive beneath the water and end up on the other side in the fresh Chicago air, atop of the hotel.

The lights from the city seemed to be glowing behind the foggy glass windows, and it was all quite breathtaking really. I stood admiring the view, oblivious to where Jasper had gone. He had walked to the opposite end of the pool and was standing in front of another door that lead to the patio.

"Coming?" he said, a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"How did you get access to this?" I asked while I walked toward him with my hands in my pockets.

"Really?" He raised his hands in disbelief while he gave me a cheeky grin. "You have to ask that?"

It was true, Jasper could influence just about anyone to get his way. It didn't surprise me at all that he had a keycard to the rooftop patio of a prominent hotel in Chicago.

We stepped through the door and the crisp, windy city air was sobering. It wasn't too cold, warm enough to be able to sit here drinking whiskey at least. The dull sounds of the traffic could be heard below, and a plane was flying overhead, but it was as if we were in our own little world up here, and I guess we were.

A layer of mist was coming from the pool, as the warm water made contact with the cooler air giving the patio an eerie feeling. It had rained while we in the bar, and the smell was fresh and clean, a renewal of sorts. There were a few lounge chairs stacked up along the wall to avoid the rain, Jasper grabbed one and gestured for me to do the same. He placed it near the edge of the roof, beside a little table where he placed the bottle and his pack of cigarettes. He finally lit the one he had been dangling out of his mouth, took a big puff and exhaled while letting out a howl.

Turning up the collar on his shirt, he rubbed his arms, and his body did one giant shiver before he sat down.

"A little cold, but it'll do. Whiskey'll help," he said.

I was apprehensive to join him, feeling a little awkward. There were so many emotions running through me, it was terrifying. This day had been a rollercoaster of memories, and they had stirred feelings in me I had long since forgotten. Of course standing here, not moving, was only making the awkwardness worse.

Jasper let me have my moment, and continued to smoke his cigarette while he looked out over the city. What did I expect from him? What did he expect from me? Had I imagined that look back in the room, the bar... the elevator? Yes. I had. We were both married, and as far as I could tell, Jasper loved his wife and he was happy. But I was under no illusion that the setting of this place with the night air and the whiskey could quite possibly lead to a conversation I should be trying to avoid. Then again, maybe it was all in my head. It was me who was miserable, and maybe I was desperate for something... anything to just feel something again, no matter how wrong it was.

With a heavy sigh, I grabbed a chair and joined him, placing it on the other side of the table to give us some distance. Strangely enough, I hadn't felt the cold like he had. I was quite warm, my face and ears still burning red I was sure.

"Smoke?" he asked, offering me his pack.

"No, never took it up," I refused, holding up my hand. "I've forgotten how amazing Chicago is at night."

He nodded. "Better view than what we had at the old apartment, huh?"

Our old place didn't have a bad view, but the building was a small walk-up that didn't exactly have the height like this place. But it overlooked a park, and the green in the spring had always been a bit inspiring to me. I used to spend most of my afternoons up there with my guitar or some sheet music, Jasper did too.

"I don't know, I kinda liked the view," I answered honestly.

"You just liked it 'cause we took that fridge up there and it was always stocked with beer." He laughed, grabbing the whiskey bottle, and twisting the cap off of it. "It ain't beer, but I need something to warm me up." He took a swig and passed it back to me.

Again, my ears burned a little at the embarrassment I felt from his words. I tried my best to recover, grabbing the bottle and took a deep pull. The liquid burned the instant it hit my throat and I couldn't help but choke.

"Pussy," he said laughing.

"Fuck you."

"I see you're still the master of the lame comebacks." He tipped an imaginary hat at me, and I couldn't help but laugh.

We sat for awhile, passing the bottle back and forth, Jasper was on his third cigarette, and we still hadn't said anything significant to each other. Comfortable silence was such a luxury. It was something Jasper and I had always shared. The whiskey was doing the trick, keeping the chilly, windy air from seeping in, almost creating a glow from the inside out. Maybe it was the whiskey, or maybe it was the company, whichever it was, it was a welcome change.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he finally said, while putting the cigarette out in a small puddle of water that was next to his chair.

My eyes went wide, and I swallowed instinctively from the shock. I wasn't ready to talk about that yet, and started to fidget in my seat.

"Don't mean to pry into your life, just thought I'd ask," he said calmly, rubbing his hands back and forth on his thighs.

"What?" I asked, confused. My life?

"I may not see you every day, Edward," he said simply, "but I think I still know you enough to tell when something's wrong back home." He cleared his throat. "You want to talk about why you flinch whenever someone asks you about your home life?"

I should've known I wouldn't be able to hide anything from him. It was true, it may have been years, but it didn't really matter when it came to the two of us. Now, I just wondered if I should trouble him with my burdens. The last thing I wanted was for Jasper to feel sorry for me. I didn't want to ruin the night with bringing up my miseries, I had promised myself back in the hotel room that I wouldn't do it, but sitting here with him, none of that seemed to matter. Jasper would never judge me, and maybe I had wanted to tell him all along. Deep down I wanted him to know my pain, because he was the only person on this earth who could possibly understand.

"I love my kids," I blurted out without thinking. "I love them more than anything." His brows furrowed with the mention of my children, and for a moment I saw a ghost of pain slip across his face before he masked his expression once again.

"But..." he prompted.

"But... but that's it." I sighed, my heart heavy at the thought of telling him. "My wife hates me. She won't let me touch her, she won't let me comfort her... she barely even speaks to me." I leaned forward on my knees with my head down. "I love her. I do, but I don't have a clue how to get past this." I played with the wedding band on my finger, twisting it around and around. I started to laugh while I grabbed the bottle from the table. "You know," I said between chuckles, "I haven't had sex in over a fucking year!" I exclaimed, almost in hysterics. "Fifteen fucking months!" I took a long sip from the bottle, wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt once I was done.

"The friends I have are all pricks who cheat on their wives regularly, and talk about nothing but their money, their cars or the money and cars they're going to have. They walk around in their designer suits with their Rolex watches, strutting like fucking peacocks, finger pointing, comparing their dicks and wishing they were Ari fucking Gold! It's all so fucking pointless, some days I imagine blowing all their fucking heads off with a fucking shotgun, then turning it back on me to put me out of my misery." I was breathing heavily, my chest panting up and down while I tried to get all the words out in one breath. It was such a relief to get it off my chest. For years it was just sitting there, like an inert bottle of soda, then someone came along, shook it up, and twisted the cap off.

I tried to get my breathing under control. Leaning forward, I put my head between my knees, hoping it would help, and it also meant I wouldn't have to look at Jasper, for fear he'd be thinking I'd finally lost it. I inhaled loudly, holding it in for a few seconds. My ears were buzzing, but I could still hear the laughter coming from my left side. Not only did I have to endure the embarrassment of possible tears that threatened to spill, but now the fucker was laughing at me. What did I expect, really? The two of us had always laughed at our failures and rants. It was how we coped.

I chanced a look at him, and it was as I had imagined. The fucker was staring at me with that wry grin of his, while his eyes were filled with amusement.

"It's not fucking funny."

"Oh, yes... it is," he said between fits of laughter. "Well, not the stuff about your wife, but the other stuff is fucking hilarious."

I sat there with my mouth hanging open, staring at him with an incredulous look on my face. "I just admitted that I wanted to go all postal on my so-called friends. Call me crazy, but I don't see the hilarity in it."

"Thank fuck! Is all I have to say," he said, leaning forward and patting my shoulder. He gripped it a little too hard, and I couldn't help but wince.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him, extricating myself from his grip, a little annoyed with him.

"It means..." he said dragging out the last word, "I haven't lost you." He took another sip from the whiskey bottle before continuing to sport that shit-eating grin. "I met those guys at your wedding, and they were... complete and utter dicks... morons! But they were your friends, so I've kept my mouth shut all these years. I didn't know if you'd turn into one of them... you know... after..." He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to cover up the awkwardness of what he was trying to say. "You know... after what happened."

He stood, walking to the edge of the railing, his shoulders were hunched over while he grasped the railing and bent over. I found myself staring at his form a little longer than I should have, before it was my turn to start laughing.

"You honestly thought I'd end up like one of those jackasses? Seriously? Thanks a lot, asshole." I was laughing at the idea of me turning into one of those 'suits' I worked with. Jasper should have known I wasn't one of those guys, I never would be.

"Well, what do you expect? You move across the country, take a job that is destined to fast-track you to the 2.5 kids and picket white fences. You gave up your music, and married the first girl that stroked your dick the right way but also looked good on paper."

"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled. "You know nothing about my life!" I was seething now, his back was still turned to me though, and I didn't know how serious he was.

"You're right!" He turned suddenly, raising his hands in the air. "I don't, 'cause you don't tell me anything about it! What happened to you, man? Who the fuck are you? The Edward I knew would never let his life take hold of him like this. I watched you tonight. You're miserable, man, and the gleam in your eyes is gone. I don't know what she's done to you-"

"Don't you dare talk about her! Don't you fucking blame her!" I was up on my feet, grabbing hold of his shirt, our noses inches from each other. "My life isn't as perfect as yours, but that doesn't give you the right to tear it apart!" I shoved him... hard, and he stumbled backward, but caught himself before falling. "My life is far from what it should be. I'm well aware of that, but we all can't have what you have!"

"Yeah, cause mine's all sunshine and roses," he scoffed. My body halted, wondering what he meant by it. "My wife wants a child... and I can't give her one," he admitted sadly before sitting down on his chair again. I didn't understand what he meant and asked him to explain.

"What's not to get? I can't have children... apparently I'm shooting blanks, well at least that's what the doctors say."

"But that doesn't mean you can't have a family," I offered up.

"I know, but it's not what she wants. She was adopted, and you'd think it would mean she'd want to do the same, but it doesn't. She wants a child of her own."

"Have you tried-"

"We've tried _everything_," he cut me off. "There's nothing left to try. You said you haven't had sex in fifteen months? Well, there was a time when I would've welcomed that. It became such a fucking chore. I was nothing but a means to an ends. It was all so clinical, at least until we found out the truth a few months ago. Now we don't even sleep in the same room. She's hurt and I know she loves me, but I don't think we can get past this. She wants her own child, more than she wants me."

This was one of those times that laughter wasn't going to make it all right, and it was the last thing I felt like doing. My troubles were real, but hopefully we could work it out. We had our children to think of. Jasper would never know what it was like to stare into the eyes of your child and see yourself staring back. We were grown men now, with real problems.

"Well that was a bit of a buzz-kill, wasn't it?" he said, leaning back on his chair, crossing his leg over his knee.

"Jas, I-I don't know what to say. I'm sorry," I said with a heartfelt apology. I dragged my chair closer to him and sat down. "I can't imagine what that's like. I'm sorry," I apologized again.

"Me neither, that's the problem. Where do we go from here? Do we end the marriage, or get a donor-which I can't imagine having a stranger father my own child and besides I feel like she wants a child created out of love. I don't know. We're just stuck."

I couldn't help but snort. "I know the feeling." My own wife and I were stuck as well. We couldn't agree on anything, and divorce seemed likely, but we had the children to think about.

"Shit... we're a bunch of sad-sacks, aren't we?"

"Fuck-ups."

"Yeah," he said quietly, staring out across the city. It was close to dawn, the sky was just starting to lighten in the east. I really needed to get some sleep at some point. I had an early meeting with some investors that were _really_important to the firm, but I didn't want to think about that right now. It was all about me and Jasper, nothing else mattered to me. This was why I was here, not because work sent me to Chicago. It was time him and I set things right between us, even if it was just our friendship. We needed this... we needed to remember the way things used to be, back to a time when we were on top of the world.

"You know there's only one thing left to do...right?"

He looked at me quizzically, his face breaking into a smile, while he shook his head. "Yeah, I suppose you're right."

I jumped up suddenly and hollered, "All right then!" It was louder than I thought it would be but decided I didn't care. I ran toward the pool edge, stripping off my clothes in the process. Down to just my boxer briefs, I hesitated for a split second, contemplating whether to take them off or leave them on. In my haste, I left them on and dove right into the pool without another thought. I broke the surface of the water, and watched Jasper still sitting in the chair with his head down and his shoulders hunched over. I continued to swim, doing laps, giving him the space he needed. He'd join me on his own time.

Diving under the barrier that separated the pool from the outside, I came up on the other side and couldn't help but think it felt somewhat like a cocoon. Everything echoed and the air was warm and humid. It was a little suffocating, but I did happen to notice the hot tub in the corner of the room. I was doubtful it was hot though, it had been turned off for hours. I looked around the room for the dial to turn it on, but was interrupted by a large splash from the outside.

I smiled. We really did know each other well.

I saw the dial on the wall just to the side of the hot tub, and jumped out of the water, hanging on to my briefs as they came dangerously close to falling around my ankles. I was dripping water everywhere, while the air caused goose pimples to rise all over my skin. It wasn't cold, it was a combination of things that caused them to appear. Possibly a little bit of fear at the idea of Jasper swimming just on the other side of the barrier.

I tested the water, the hot tub was warmer than I thought, warmer than the pool, but not by much.

Hearing the splashes behind me, I turned to see Jasper holding his hand over the top of the whiskey bottle as he came up from under the barrier.

"Ah!" he said, spitting the water out of his mouth. "Thought we might as well finish this off."

"You never could open a bottle and not empty it," I said, pushing the button to start the jets on the tub.

"And you love me for it." He said it absently, not giving it a second thought while he jumped out of the pool, but I couldn't hide my embarrassment at his insinuation. I knew what he meant, he was just saying it in passing, like you would joke with a friend, but the truth was, I did love him, possibly more than anyone else in my life. I slipped under the jets hoping to hide the flushed color of my skin, turning my back to him while I collected myself.

The sound of the jets changed, and I knew he had slipped into the hot tub. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before pushing all those thoughts away again. I needed to get those ideas out of my head. We were no longer the same university students with no responsibilities to anyone else but ourselves. That time had come and gone.

"Thanks," he whispered before I had even turned around.

I nodded, and remained where I was. I heard him take a sip of the whiskey, remembering the familiar sound as he sucked it back through his teeth. I imagined his lips, as his tongue slid out of his mouth flicking the stray drops that managed to escape. This was not helping my situation, I thought, as I looked down at the new predicament that was unfolding. I had to turn around. I was looking like an idiot, and Jasper would catch on that something was wrong with me. I lowered myself further under the water, seeking out one of the benches before turning around. My eyes stayed on the window, and the light grey color the sky was turning. My thoughts had turned melancholy all of a sudden, but it couldn't be helped. I wasn't sad for what I revealed to Jasper, and I wasn't sad about what he shared with me. There was so much more that needed to be said to him, but I couldn't do it... what was the point and that's what had made me sad. Something that could never be.

"It's no way to live your life, Edward," he said sadly. "A marriage without love..."

"I know," I managed to breath out.

"So why do you stay?" he asked. It was a loaded question, one that I couldn't answer easily.

"The children-"

"Will be fine," he interrupted. "It's worse to grow up in a house filled with resentment and anger." He moved across the water, sitting next to me, passing the bottle. "Trust me, I know that. I grew up in that environment. Kids always know."

"I do love her though."

"I don't doubt that you do, but sometimes," his voice was soft, tender almost, "it's not enough."

I finally managed the courage to look him in the eye. He was facing me square on, having set the bottle down and he had a look of resolve on his face, like he'd made up his mind about something. His face was honest, and I felt the twinge in my stomach again as I stared at him. My eyes lowered to his lips... those lips, and instinctively, I licked mine in return.

"I have nothing else," I said quietly, inching forward just a little bit.

His arm moved below the water, and I felt his hand on my thigh, while both of us let out a staggering breath.

"That's not true," he said, his eyes glancing toward my mouth.

He was leaning closer, only inches between us. My head was screaming not to do it, while my body said differently. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. I did. I'd been waiting for eight long years for this, even though it terrified me because I didn't know how to stop myself from wanting this. It would be so much harder to walk away this time... I didn't know if I would be able to. I didn't know if I wanted to.

I could smell the whiskey on his breath, the heat from it mingled with the warmth on my cheek. All I needed to do was move one inch, one inch and I would taste him again. My stomach flipped, and my cock hardened, poking through my boxer briefs. I glanced down, and to my surprise, I realized Jasper wasn't wearing anything under the water. My eyes widened, and my ears flushed as I saw his cock in the same predicament as my own. I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little, and he did the same.

"I didn't get the memo about the boxers."

I snorted at that, but resumed my spot inches from his mouth. I didn't want to lose the moment we were having. I'd waited too long, and was too curious to let it slide by.

"Are we really going to do this again," he whispered.

"Yes," I said nodding. Because I needed it. It had been way too long since someone had kissed me with want, and clearly Jasper wanted this as badly as I did. I needed to feel the contact from someone who _wanted_ to touch me.

"Okay," he agreed, leaning his head against my forehead while his hand came up to the back of my neck. Our noses touched, and his tongue flicked out from his mouth. My cock twitched in anticipation, waiting for him to press his lips against my own.

"You-hooooo," a shrill voice pierced the air, causing us both to jump to either side of the tub, our hearts pounding out of our chests, "Jasper, honey! You in here?"


	5. Chapter 5

**~*Chapter Five*~**

**

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**

_"You-hooooo," a shrill voice pierced the air, causing us both to jump to either side of the tub, our hearts pounding out of our chests, "Jasper, honey! You in here?"_

The lights flicked on, and the fluorescence blinded me for a moment, white dots floated behind my eyelids.

"Ooooh, and here I thought you had a lady up here. Jasper, you naughty boy! Why didn't you tell me you swung that way, honey? I would've asked for more than money for our little," he cleared his throat, "arrangement."

The most flamboyant colorful man I'd ever laid eyes on was standing at the edge of the pool with one hand on his hip. "Well, hellooo there, tall drink of water. What's your name?" He eyed me up over the length of his nose. He was wearing a hotel uniform which had been re-designed to more of his style, including a nice bright, green pocket square in his left breast pocket. He plucked it out, and pretended to wipe his brow. "I need to hang out with you more often, Jazzy." He waved the green square in our direction. "You have excellent taste. Yum!"

If I wasn't embarrassed before, I definitely was now. I ineffectively tried to cover myself below the water. Of course, just my luck, the timer for the jets decided to turn off right at that inopportune moment.

Jasper hopped out of the tub, unabashed by his nakedness, having gained control of himself — he always could manage his emotions far better than me—and walked to a shelf containing numerous white fluffy hotel towels. He grabbed one putting it around his waist and threw one over to me, thankfully.

The stranger's eyes remained on me, leering at my chest, and I wished Jasper had thrown me another towel.

"What do you want, Alec?" Jasper said through clenched teeth.

"Now, now, is that any way to talk to your kin?" Alec sulked back, waving his gold-ringed covered fingers at Jasper. "In case you haven't noticed—," he raised his hand to his mouth like he was whispering, "— and who would with a beefcake like that," he pointed at me, "it's dawn." The tone of his voice changed to a serious one. "My shift is over, and if that whore of a day manager catches you up here, well, he'll have both our heads, and I'm not talking about that blond mop of yours that sits on your shoulders either." He started cackling at his own joke, looking at me in agreement or encouragement, whichever.

All I could do was pretend to laugh weakly along with him. I think I was still in shock from what had just happened.

His little, white, leather shoes made their way over to me while he extended a hand.

"Alec... and you are..." he said in an amused tone.

"E-Edward," I said uneasily, shaking his hand.

"Oh! _THE_ Edward... mmhmm." He smiled a wolfish grin at me. "Now I see what all the fuss is about."

"Shut it, Alec, leave him alone. We're going." Jasper pushed through the glass door to the outside, and an awkward minute later—with more leering by Alec—he was dressed, hastily shoving my clothes into my hands. I quickly threw them on, ignoring my wet boxers inside my jeans and numbly followed Jasper out the door.

"I'll see you boys later!" Alec tittered after us. I heard a mumbled sigh and something about my ass, which I chose to ignore.

We stood waiting for the elevator, the mirrored doors conveniently displaying the shocked and terrorized look on my face.

"Who the _hell _was that?" I asked.

Jasper frowned, groaning a little as he reluctantly told me the truth. "My sorta uncle."

"Uncle?" I said perplexed. "Really?"

"Well, you know my mom remarried, right? Well that's her new husband's brother. In case you couldn't tell, he's a bit of the black sheep in their family."

"And how is it you...er... have a... relationship with him, then?"

He was clearly uncomfortable talking about this topic of conversation, but I wasn't about to let it go. He fidgeted while we waited for the elevator but reluctantly continued. "I don't know, I mean, he's a huge fucking pain in the ass, but I kinda like him. Probably because my stepdad hates him, makes me like him that much more."

"So, then, how is it he knew who I was?" I pressed.

"Look... he just likes to get a rise outta me, alright? Obviously I've mentioned you before, you were my roommate. We were best friends. It's no big deal." He shrugged while the elevator bell chimed and he pushed his way through the doors before they had even opened.

The '_were' _didn't slip past me, neither did the bitterness in his voice.

"Were?" I asked, following him into the elevator, pressing the button to my floor.

"You know what I mean." Something in Jasper had changed. He was annoyed, and definitely distant. The ride in the elevator was more than awkward; he refused to meet my gaze and stared at his boots the entire time.

"There's no way he could have saw... what..." I said under my breath, knowing his behaviour might have something to do with almost being caught by a so-called relative, even if it was a distant one at that.

"There was nothing to see," he replied in a short clipped answer. The door opened and, again, he walked out in a hurried rush heading straight for my door.

It was around six in the morning, way past the point of trying to get some sleep before my meeting. I figured Jasper and I should just get some breakfast, possibly order some room service and talk about what had just happened.

Opening the door I said, "Breakfast?" with a questioning look on my face.

"Ah," he hesitated rubbing his wet hair, "no, I have to get going." He looked at me briefly with a sheepish look on his face. "Work, you know?"

"I thought you made your own hours?" I teased.

"I-I forgot about a meeting I have first thing this morning." He was gathering up his stuff, throwing it in his bag, glancing around the room, avoiding my eyes.

"Well, you should at least have a shower... get the chlorine off," I offered, hoping he'd at least stay for a little bit longer, enough to figure out what had just happened. At least with a shower, he'd get a moment to himself before having to delve into the topic about the huge, fucking elephant in the room.

"I'm going to hit the gym first, so I'll shower there," he mumbled under his breath while checking the bathroom for anything he may have left behind.

"O-kay, then," I said, not sure what the problem was. "Are we at least going to talk about what just happened?"

"Yeah, er... later... I-I just have to go." He walked to the door, his back to me, his hand resting on the doorknob. "See you tonight?" he asked quietly.

"I guess, yeah," I said taking a deep breath.

"Later." And then he was gone, out the door and the sound of it closing seemed to echo around the room.

"Yeah, later," I said to no one, sitting down on the edge of the bed, shaking my head at the turn of events.

I was absolutely perplexed. We had been moments away from entering new territory in our relationship... our lives, and now he was barely speaking to me, unable to even look me in the eye. A few seconds later, and "Uncle Alec" might have walked in on something very different, and who knows where we'd be right now if that had happened. But it hadn't, _but fuck had I wanted it to._

But now I was sitting in my room, alone, wondering what the hell had just happened. What the_ hell_ had we been thinking? It was probably for the best we were interrupted, it was fate stepping in and telling us it was wrong. Whatever it was, my head was a mess, and I needed a distraction. I thought about hitting the gym, perhaps a run on the treadmill was what I needed, but the gym was right beside the pool, and I couldn't bring myself to go back up there. Throwing on my sweats, I headed down to the lobby instead, to head outside and run in the Chicago air. I wasn't up for eating, my stomach was turning and it wasn't from the whiskey... I was surprisingly sober.

The meeting went well, the investors were impressed, but this was just the first of a series of meetings to be had over the next few days. Nothing was set in stone just yet, the papers had not been signed. It was going to take a lot more finagling on my part if I was going to get them to come onboard.

I was absolutely exhausted, and graciously declined some tickets to a Bulls game, claiming I had plans with some old family friends. Which was the partial truth... they were my family of sorts. If I headed back to the hotel now, I could get in about four hours of sleep before meeting up with everyone—sleep which I desperately needed.

I was standing outside of my room, holding my breath wondering about the possibility of Jasper being in there waiting for me, which was absurd, he had taken his bag with him and had left the keycard behind. My body was still disappointed to see the room empty, even though I had expected it. For a moment, I had this romantic notion that he would be here, and we would spend the rest of our lives in our own special world where our wives, children, jobs, and responsibilities didn't exist. Our only responsibility would be to each other. I chided myself for being ridiculous, it could never happen and I needed to get myself in check to remember that.

I called home, checking in with my wife and the children. My daughter was teaching my son to sing her favorite nursery rhyme, and the two were screeching their song much to my wife's dismay.

"Sweetheart, it's okay, I can hear you just fine," I tried to reassure her.

"Well I can't hear you!" she snapped back. _"I said that's enough! I'm trying to talk to your daddy on the phone!"_ she yelled at them, not even trying to cover the mouthpiece. The children quieted, but I could still hear them laughing in the background. "Ugh... I've just about had it with that song. I'm about to lose it!" she said in an exhausted tone, back into the phone.

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. They've just been singing it all day, and I can't take it anymore."

"Well, it sounds like they're happy, at least," I offered.

"For the moment." She sighed heavily into the phone. "When are you coming home again?" she asked, with a tired, distant voice.

"Wednesday. I left my flight details on the fridge."

"Oh, right," was all she said, followed by a few seconds of silence. "Your mother called," she changed the subject , and then with an exaggerated huff she continued, "she wants to come for a visit."

"Oh, really? Ah... that's a surprise," I said, truly shocked by the notion of my mother visiting.

"Yes, isn't it?" I could hear the tone in her voice which clearly meant she was probably rolling her eyes at me. "She _said_ she wanted to give us a break... whatever that means. What have you been telling her?"

"Nothing," I said honestly, "I haven't talked to her in awhile. I'm sure she just wants to come see her grandchildren."

"I doubt that," she disagreed. "Do you think she'll want to stay here?"

"I don't know, probably."

"Can't we put her up in a hotel?" She was definitely annoyed now, there was no mistaking it.

"It's my mother. We can't do that," I replied, affronted that she would even suggest it.

"You know how she is with me." Now she was just baiting me, trying to get me to say something that she could be angry at me for.

"I haven't even talked to her, she might just be saying she wants to visit, doesn't mean she will. I really don't want to argue about this right now, okay?" There was a brief moment of silence before she spoke again.

"That guy... Trevor or Travis..."

"Tyler?"

"Whatever his name is... he called to remind you about the golf trip." Her voice was hard, and I realized she had been gunning for an argument during this whole conversation. "When were you going to tell me you were going away again?"

"I'm not."

I heard her scoff into the phone. "Right."

"I said no to them. He must've forgotten. I'm not going because it's the weekend of your shopping trip with your friends."

"That's what you told them? You're not going because of me. I'm sure they _love_ me for that. Don't let me stop you from another trip away with your buddies."

"They're not my buddies," I said through gritted teeth. "And no," I sighed, "that's not what I told them. I didn't give them any excuse, I just told them no." I paused, both of us breathing heavily into the phone. "Honey, look, I'll be home in a couple of days and we can talk about this then, okay? Right now, I just want to know how you are."

There was a giant crash and the sound of glass shattering in the background, followed by two distinct cries.

_"What did you do!"_ she yelled away from the phone.

"What happened? Are the kids okay?"

"They're fine. Edward, I have to go, I'll call you later."

"I love you!" I said quickly before she hung up the phone.

That was not the conversation I had hoped to have when I had called looking for some reassurance about my life. I was hoping for something different to happen, for us to have a loving conversation about each other and the children, like they do in the movies when a father's away on business, calling from a hotel on the road. But my life was not a romance movie, and my marriage certainly wasn't. Just once, I wanted to have a conversation, where the two of us weren't stressed by the day's events and we could talk like we used to. Talk about silly things that made us happy or even made us sad, anything, as long as it was talking and not yelling. I was hoping to reaffirm what my life with her meant, but instead it had done the opposite. It had only corroborated the misery I was feeling from being in a loveless marriage. I didn't know when we had fallen out of love, only that we had. Perhaps we'd never actually been in love, which was possible given the conflicting feelings I was having at the moment. Had I ever lusted after her like I had with Jasper all those years ago? For the moment, the feelings escaped me, over-shadowed by the memory of last night.

Flopping on the bed, still dressed in my clothes from the day, I thought about the almost kiss from hours ago. Touching my lips absently, I tried to remember what it would have felt like. Of course it would have been different than the first time. The first time had been almost in anger and need, where as this morning would have been more from longing, more tender than what it was in the alley.

The pressure continued to build, and it was such an odd combination of lust and shame I was feeling. My body was reacting this way, about a man-my best friend-yet, I'd never desired someone as much as I had Jasper. The guilt was palpable, but the feeling of taboo seemed to fuel the wanting even that much more. The desire for him was almost exciting, at least my dick definitely thought so.

Lowering my chin and peeking down my chest to below my belt, I saw the evidence of that excitement. My cock had been semi-hard all day just thinking about that hot tub. The run had done nothing to help my predicament this morning, it only caused more contemplation, because everywhere I looked I saw something that reminded me of whiskey, cigarettes, boots, pools, hot tubs... which all lead to Jasper. Things I never would have looked at twice, all seemed to scream at me in my head, chanting his name, while the image of his face stamped into my sub-conscious, until I couldn't look at any of the billboards or signs on the streets for fear my cock would be standing in salute out in public.

I realized I had to take care of this now, or else I'd never get any sleep.

"The shower it is..." I said, stripping out of my clothes, groaning when my hand painfully brushed against myself.

The hot shower helped temporarily, only taking a few strokes before I spilled my release. My head was filled with images of him, like a movie playing on repeat over and over, especially the scene when I glanced below the water and saw his cock standing at attention because of me. I wanted him, even though I had absolutely no idea what that would entail. It was a little frightening thinking about how it would happen. Having absolutely no experience in the matter, or knowing anyone that had, I wondered if I could actually go through with it if it came right down to it. No doubt, liquid courage might have to play a part. I didn't know if I could abandon all my insecurities and hesitations if I were sober, it just didn't seem right. I guess I would have to see... if the opportunity ever came up again.

It was much easier to drift off having relaxed a little in the shower. Of course, I was exhausted... and spent, so I fell asleep right away in nothing but my boxers. It was restful and surprisingly peaceful, until I was jolted out of bed by the hotel phone ringing.

"Hello?" I grumbled into the phone, noticing the room was enveloped in darkness.

"Where the hell are you? We're waiting for you downstairs in the bar," a familiar voice said on the other line.

"What time is it?" I asked, turning on the light.

"Time to go."

"Is Jasper down there?" I asked, only with a slight hesitation at his name.

"Nah, it's just us. He called, said he was running late and he'd meet up with us later."

"Where are we going?"

"Are you done with the twenty questions, yet? Come on, Eddie! The night's a wasting."

"Okay, okay, give me a few minutes, I just woke up."

"You got ten, and that's it. You better be ready for this, 'cause we gave you a reprieve last night."

"Me? You're the fuckers who ducked out early."

"Alright, alright... see you in ten," he said, before the dial tone rang loudly in my ear.

I rushed to get ready, knowing my friends would stay true to their word and would be at my door ready to drag me out at the 10 minute and 1 second mark. Luckily, I had showered early and was in too much of a rush to dwell on things that would assuredly cause another delay.

Jeans and a vintage T-shirt was the wardrobe of choice tonight. Along with my tailored, brown, leather jacket that cost me a small fortune but I loved the smell and feel of it so I purchased it anyway. A quick brush of the teeth and hair and one last look in the mirror, I was ready and out the door with only a slight pang knowing Jasper was not in the lobby waiting with the others.

Just as I was out of the elevator, I was hailed and accosted by someone I definitely didn't wish to see, especially in front of the guys.

"You-hoooo, Edward," he waved at me, "there you are! I need to speak with you." He was standing at the front desk in the same over-designed uniform, but this time his pocket square was a bright pink one. He was alongside two of the reception staff who seemed to have knowing grins on their faces. The two women made no attempt to cover the fact that they were checking me out while I walked toward Alec; they were chiding him about his taste in men.

"Alec," I said in a hushed whisper, signaling him to come to the other side of the desk. My face was on fire with all the possibilities of where this conversation could be heading. This was not the time or place to bring up what had happened earlier, and I wanted Alec to know that. I glanced at the hotel bar where the guys were waiting, pointing at their watches in exaggerated gestures with impatient looks on their faces. "What is it?" I asked him, just barely moving my lips.

"Hmm?" he asked while smiling widely with a little gleam in his eye.

"You said you needed to speak to me," I said annoyed a little with him.

"Oh, right! Yes... well, not really. I _was_ just about to call you to tell you to hurry up. My nephew's friends... and I assume yours too?" he asked with a wicked grin, I nodded, a little impatient. "Well, they always create such a ruckus when they're here."

"Really? What were they doing?"

"Oh, nothing really, I just wanted to hear your voice again." He winked at me. "And now I get to talk to you." He batted his eyelashes and gave me one of his leering grins.

I tried to be affronted, but it was almost impossible, the guy was too charming to be upset with.

"You look mighty fine tonight, Edward. My nephew won't be able to keep his hands to himself."

"Alec, it's not... we're not."

"Mmhmm, whatever you boys say," he said wryly.

"We're not! I've got a wife... he's married too. We've been friends for years." I tried to explain as best I could, but it was all coming out a little disjointed.

"Honey, just 'cause you got a wife doesn't mean you don't want what you think you can't have." He reached out and tapped my chest. "Look at me. I want you," he rubbed his hand over my chest, much more than I was comfortable with and I backed away as he continued, "even though I know I can't have you." He smiled again.

"I'm not-"

"Gay? Oh, please!" He waved his hand at me, rolling his eyes. I wasn't sure what he meant by that and I didn't want to get into it right now. I glanced back toward the bar.

"Go on, take that little entourage of yours with you, they're far too distracting for me to get any work done. Are any of them..." He looked longingly in the direction of the bar, titling his head and biting his lip. He sighed as he spoke, "No, of course not." His attention turned back to me. "Now, go! Have fun! And tell that nephew of mine to loosen up. He's been such a sour puss lately."

"I don't think he's coming out with us tonight," I admitted, sounding a little more disappointed than I wanted to come across.

"Honey, he'll be there. Trust me." He patted my backside, like I was a toddler he was trying to get to take a step. I mumbled a 'thank you' while I walked toward my friends.

"Oh, and Edward?" he called out to me.

"Yes?" I responded, turning back.

"Be patient with him," Alec yelled across the lobby. He smiled at me, giving me an encouraging wave. I watched his back while he walked into an office and shut the door. His words were not exactly cryptic, but it was still hard to wrap my head around it.

"Be patient with who?" I was asked as the guys met me at the bar entrance.

"Nothing. No one," I muttered, following them outside across the lobby to the revolving door that lead outside.


	6. Chapter 6

**~*Chapter Six*~**

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I was the last to jump into the second cab, the rest of them were waiting for me while I tried to collect myself and shake off what Alec had said to me in the lobby. I asked where we were heading, even though I had an inkling by the direction the cab was driving. I groaned when my suspicions were confirmed.

"Come on, Eddie! You didn't think we'd let you come to Chicago and not visit the 'Rippers' while you were here."

"I should've known it would be on the top of your sight-seeing list." It was true, back in university we had our monthly excursion to the strip club. It wasn't something I particularly looked forward to but I always went along with them, because it made for an entertaining night while I laughed my ass off at their desperation. At this point in my trip, I thought maybe I actually needed a good dose of tits and pussy and laughter to counteract all that had happened.

"That's our boy!" was shouted along with other encouraging comments when they saw my enthusiastic smile.

This wasn't just any local strip club either. Not like the ones we used to visit in our poor school days, this was the elite, the one we always wanted to come to but could never afford the mandatory drink cover charge of $50 a head, or I should say person because even at that steep price you weren't guaranteed anything but two drinks and some of Chicago's finest ass to watch... not touch. If you wanted to touch, it would take a lot more than Grant's head on a bill to do that.

The place was dark enough to provide customers with more exclusivity than any other place. If you didn't want anyone to see your face, you didn't have to. There was the 'VIP' area at the back, where I was fairly definite that for the right amount of money, there were more than lap dances going on.

We were escorted to a private table with a reserved sign on it. It's no wonder the guys were so adamant about the time... "Nothing but the best," they said.

It was a large booth-like table that had individual seating-enough so that if one of us wanted to see one of the dancers up close and personal, it could be done without having to juggle seats around. Our waitress was probably no more than twenty, and she had the body to go with it.

Every one of the servers wore silver hot-pants with latex, black boots that came up to their thighs. They also had long, straight wigs in all colors, slicked back in a ponytail that hung down to the crack in their asses. Each of them wore nothing but silver, sequined pasties covering their nipples. A little cliché, but I had to give it to them... as far as strip clubs went, these were the classiest of servers I'd come across. I was just grateful they weren't wearing those clear, plastic stripper heels that most of these places made the women wear.

Our server's name was Celeste, I guess that was as close to a stripper name could be without sounding tacky. Of course her name brought on all kinds of rhymes from the dickheads in my party. Even a limerick was performed on the spot, all to which she politely smiled and played her part perfectly, having told them she'd never heard that one before.

She must get paid very well for her 'performance,' I thought.

Other than the girls and the décor, it was still like most places I'd been in. Bad music, bad DJ, but the one surprise was the liquor. For once, it wasn't watered down and it wasn't cheap. They really did tailor to the business man here.

The drink of choice for me tonight was vodka... the expensive stuff. It wasn't often I drank it, but after the third drink I realized I was actually enjoying myself and I hadn't even missed Jasper.

It was refreshing watching my friends make assholes of themselves, and just to be able to sit back and laugh at them. Not wanting to participate in the slightest was enough for me. At least not until a prima ballerina stepped on stage and started dancing to a heavily mixed club trax with Debussy interlaced within in it. The guys whooped and hollered and were convinced she was the one for me, even though I protested. She had just finished dancing on stage when Jasper finally decided to turn up. He greeted everyone without even giving me a second glance. The alcohol in my blood seemed to fuel my anger and before I knew it, I was agreeing to a lap dance the guys insisted on buying me.

"What's this all about?" I heard Jasper ask curiously.

"We've got the perfect girl for Edward! She's a fucking ballerina who danced to some of that classical shit he's always listening to. No fucking joke!"

"She's perfect!"

"Edward doesn't do lap dances," Jasper said disagreeing. "Remember?"

"Well, he does now!"

The other guys turned their attentions back to the stage where a new dancer had emerged. Jasper looked at me and all I could do was shrug indifferently in return.

"You're giving me the 'shrug?'" he said, annoyed. "You know I hate that fucking shrug, and when did you start agreeing to lap dances?"

"Things change." I shrugged again, purposely to annoy him. I signaled to our server for another drink, and told her to make it a double.

"Something new from those buddies of yours back East?" He started to laugh. It was a cruel laugh, one based on spite.

"Fuck you. There's a lot that's changed about me," I responded with bitterness in my tone, "one being, lap dances. I guess I like them now..." I threw back the remains of my drink, and slammed the glass down, "especially ballerinas."

The ballerina in question was now on the floor and was being directed toward our table. She asked in a thick Russian accent, "Which one of you is Eddie?"

I started to second guess my decision now that I was faced to face with her, but I saw Jasper's smirk on the other side of the table, acting as if he knew I wouldn't go through with it.

I raised my hand, and she acted pleased by what she saw. I was under no illusions she was truly happy about this, she was an actress playing a part... and I suppose I was too.

The music started, a slow, melodic sensual beat and the ballerina started to sway her hips. She was thin, too thin for my liking, but I made the resolution that I was going to try to enjoy this. She turned her back to me and she was tall enough that her ass was almost in my direct eye line. She stepped backward, straddling me and bent over so her ass and pussy were now inches from my face, close enough that I could smell her. I knew I wasn't going to enjoy this, and I didn't really know what to do, but I caught Jasper's smug smile watching me, analyzing my reactions to the stripper shoving her cunt in my face.

I heard the guys egging me on, and turned my attentions back to the Russian, trying to feign my pleasure in all this. She had turned around, and her tiny, hot pink tutu briefly rubbed against my chin, surprisingly softer than I thought it would be. I knew better than to touch, that much I did know, so I let her do her thing, shaking and rubbing her tits in front of my face.

I couldn't stop myself from glancing in Jasper's direction. Our eyes made contact and for a brief moment, I saw the hurt in his eyes before he looked away. It pissed me off more than anything. _He was hurt? What the hell did he have to be hurt about? _

He got up and walked toward the bar, leaving me on my own with the ballerina. I wasn't really watching her, or even paying attention to her, my eyes were fixed on Jasper's blond hair leaning over the bar waiting for his drink. She sat down on my lap and she groaned at the hardness that was there like the dutiful actress she was being paid to be. I wanted to shove her off of me and scream at her that my cock wasn't hard for her, but instead I kept my focus on Jasper, and let her do her thing.

The song finally ended and the guys tipped her handsomely for being the first dancer to finally 'pop my lap-dance cherry.' She kissed me on the cheek rubbing her tits on my chin and I still had no problems obeying the no touching rule.

I casually crossed my leg over my knee, hoping to cover the fact that I was hard, but the guys noticed, and more ripping ensued. Thankfully, they'd never know it wasn't because of the pussy grinding on my crotch.

All I wanted to do was prove to Jasper that I didn't give a shit, just like he didn't, but it seemed to be backfiring on me. I was only hurting myself, waiting for him to react, which I now knew he wasn't going to. He really didn't give a shit.

Jasper eventually came back to the table with a drink in hand, which he raised to me in salute.

"To pussies and _pricks_," he said over his glass as he swallowed the clear liquid all in one shot before sitting down.

"So where the fuck have you been, man?" someone shouted at Jasper from across the table.

"I had some shit to take care of at home," he said calmly.

"And by shit, you mean fucking that gorgeous wife of yours, don't you?"

Jasper's faced turned red, and quickly glanced in my direction, but he did nothing to correct their insinuations.

"What can I say? I live a _hard_ life," he said laughing while staring right at me while he spoke, there was no mistaking the message he was trying to convey. Something in him had changed drastically since this morning on the rooftop and he was letting me know that as cruelly as possible.

I ordered two more vodkas, straight up, no ice and decided to disregard him as much as I could for the rest of the night. The evening wore on, and I was tired of tits, and tired of everyone around me. I wanted to go back to the hotel, and forget this entire trip had even happened, but no one would hear of it, they wouldn't let me leave that easily.

"What's wrong... _Eddie_?" Jasper said the nickname he never used. Only the others teased me with it when they were trying to get a rise out of me. "Too much pussy, you pussy?"

"Fuck you," I spat back.

He only laughed in return, looking around to see who was listening to our exchange.

"We'd be happy to head to the pub. I think there's a game on... should be full of dicks if that's more your taste," he taunted, purposely trying to hurt me.

My heart started hammering, and my head was swimming while my ears burned.

"Burn! You going to let him get away with that?" someone yelled. "Where's your dance, Jasper?"

"No, boys, I'm a happily married man." Jasper held up his left hand wriggling his ring finger in our direction. "I don't need to prove anything." He looked directly at me.

Seething in anger, I was seconds away from throwing a punch in his direction. I started to move, but a hand clamped down on my shoulder, thrusting me back in my seat.

"Oh, fuck, Edward! That Russian ballerina has invited you to her private room! Fucking hell, that shit never happens to me!"

I turned my head in the direction of the hand still on my shoulder, which was now patting me encouragingly. My eyes looked past the hand, only to be met by a giant of a man dressed all in black with an earpiece in his ear standing behind my friend. That man meant business.

"What?" I asked, my mouth hanging open in disbelief.

"She's asking for you! To come see her in her 'private' room. You _know _what that fucking means!"

I didn't exactly know what it meant, but I could only guess. My heart continued to hammer, and I looked over at Jasper who was glaring at me, just as angry with me as I was with him, except, I was the only one that should have been angry. What he had said to me, or implied was cruel and meant to hurt me in a way that only he knew would. I was fucking pissed, and he knew it. All I wanted to do was to get away from him.

I could hear the guys ribbing me, trying to convince me to accept the ballerina's offer. I had no intention of doing so, but something about the way Jasper was sitting waiting for me to answer, made me want to hurt him like he had hurt me. I wasn't thinking about my wife, or my life back East, which I should have been. In that moment, everything in my body was on fire for Jasper and how the consequences of my decision would affect him.

"Well? Dude, are you going?" The hand on my shoulder pushed me forward. "You have to go, dude. At least tell us what it's like back there!" There were catcalls and whistles, while Jasper remained immobile, his face was a mask of indifference, but his eyes were saying something in complete contrast.

All I wanted was a sign from him, one little gesture that would tell me not to do it. Locking eyes with him, the music pounding in my ears, I waited for him to laugh with me and make some wisecrack about it or give me the look that only I would understand that I wasn't the kind of person that would follow through with this. He didn't, instead, he picked up his beer and raised it to me and looked back toward the stage.

His apathy caused me more hurt than his antagonizing had. I threw back the last of what was in my glass, stood up rubbing my hands on my thighs and turned to face my friends who were waiting with baited breath.

"All right, all right!" I said raising my hands to everyone. "I'm going." Turning to face the giant, I said, "Let's do this!"

The large man signaled to me to follow him, while my friends acted like the asshole frat-boys I always knew them to be when it came to shit like this. Shoving my hands in my pocket, I maneuvered my way around the table, gently brushing against Jasper without giving him a second glance.

We walked to the back of the club, where I was told to stay put until someone came and got me. I hadn't had time to think about what was about to happen. I supposed nothing needed to unless I wanted it to, but the implication of going to a private room would be enough to suggest something did happen, and maybe that would be enough.

There was no way I could actually go through with this. I would never do that to my wife, even if we were fighting, sex-or whatever it was that was done back there-with a random stranger, a stripper no less, was not the road I wanted to go down no matter how miserable I was. I could turn around, and head straight out the door, no one would know. This whole trip could just be over with. I didn't have to answer any more calls from the guys. I could finish my business, fly back home and continue on with my life.

But what was waiting for me at home? Only more emptiness. I could do this and feel _something_. Whether it was disgust or shame or guilt, at least it would be something.

"Don't do this," I heard whispered in my ear. Jasper's throaty voice resonated through my whole body, causing a flame to burn deep within, but it still wasn't enough.

"And why not?" I said without turning around, my words came out hard and angry.

"Because you'll regret it." He pulled on my arm, forcing me to face him. His grip was solid, while his expression was anything but.

"No I won't."

"Think about your wife." He was pleading now, fidgeting with the collar of his shirt, and looking anywhere but at my eyes.

I couldn't help but scoff at him. He wanted me to think about my wife... after all that I had told him, he didn't give a shit about my wife, and reminding me about her was not exactly helping. He had no fucking clue about my life. All I could think was that what he told me last night about his life was a lie, only to make me feel not so inadequate.

"That's what you want me to think about?" I shook my head. "My _wife_? After what the fuck happened this morning, that's all you have to say? You're an asshole, fuck off." I shrugged away from him.

"Please, don't," he said softly, finally looking at me in the eyes, but it still wasn't enough. I wanted more from him.

"Why do you care?" I shot back.

"You _know_ the reason." He briefly looked away, but then held my gaze again.

"No, I don't."

"Don't make me say it," he whispered shaking his head.

"Maybe I need you to." He just stood there staring at me, unable to speak. I sneered, astonishment written all over my face and said, "That's what I thought."

A woman appeared, ready to take me back to the rooms, and I turned to her because there was nothing else to be said to Jasper. It was such an awkward moment, but I was past the point of caring.

"Don't." I felt Jasper's hand clamp down on my arm. "I don't think I could stand it... knowing you're back there with... her."

"Why," I said, grinding out the word.

"Because you _know_ why." He was begging not to make him say it.

But that wasn't enough from him, I wanted him to say it, so I tried to release myself from his grasp, but he held tight leaning in toward me, lowering his voice so I only I could hear him.

"Because you're better than this, god dammit, and," he sighed, his warm breath sending shivers down my spine, "it's not you."

"How do you know it isn't?" I didn't move away from him, while his breathing continued on the back of my neck.

"Because I _know _you, Edward," he whispered. "Better than anyone else ever will."

I closed my eyes, knowing that he was absolutely right, and with a slight nod of my head I let him know it.

"Can we go somewhere and talk about this... alone," he added, his voice hard. "This isn't the place." He grabbed the sleeve of my jacket pushing me to the door. I didn't protest, I didn't even look back toward the table, I just followed him blindly out the entrance and into his car.

"Maybe you shouldn't drive, we-"

"Just shut up," he said cutting me off. His hands were on the steering wheel, but he hadn't turned the key in the ignition yet.

"What the fuck am I doing?" he said to himself. "What is it with you?" He turned to me with tears in his eyes. "Every time you're near me, I can't think straight, I forget who I am and all I want to do is lose myself in you." His voice was thick with emotion, and he turned his head, placing it on the steering wheel. "I don't know how to get past this." He took a deep breath and added, "I don't know if I want to."

I started to feel sick. Whether it was the copious amounts of vodka I had in my system or the mixture of guilt and joy, something was wreaking havoc on my body. I didn't trust myself to speak, and instead rubbed a hand over my face.

"We can't do this," he said, still leaning into the wheel. "We made our decision all those years ago."

"It wasn't over." I felt myself saying the words without meaning to. At this, he finally turned to me, almost as if he was surprised to find me sitting next to him.

"No, it wasn't," he said sadly and then added, "it isn't."

He leaned across the console, reaching his hand to my face. His thumb gently rubbed along my chin while he placed his head against mine. "I want this," he said, "more than anything I've ever wanted."

I couldn't help but laugh a little, for the joy inside was brimming and I couldn't contain it any longer.

"I hoped," I said. "I hoped it wasn't just me." My heart was beating ferociously, and as my hand rested against his neck, I could feel his pulse racing just as mine was. "I've loved you since the day I met you. I just didn't know it, or want to admit it."

"I know the feeling." He laughed in return, causing my heart to soar even more, and I couldn't help myself, it was instinct more than anything. I placed my lips on his, ignoring everything my brain was telling me and, for once, listened to my heart. I loved this man, and he loved me, that was all that mattered in this moment.

He grasped the collar of my jacket, the leather making the only sound in the car, and pulled me closer to him. Fisting my hands in his hair, I opened my mouth seeking his tongue with need. I moaned when I felt it touch the inside of my mouth, and his fingers moved from my jacket to the back of my neck.

The kiss was slow at first, each of us testing the other, tender and hesitant, until I couldn't stand it any longer. I shifted in my seat hoping to get closer, and ran my hands down his back, feeling the curve of his muscles. I was lost in just the two of us, we weren't two men, but two lovers who had been denied passion for too long.

The kisses were hard and wet, each of us sucking and biting the other, trying to find our rhythm. I gasped, trying to get a breath, while his hand reached for my belt. My stomach flipped and it felt as though my heart was in my throat as I realized we were going to take this next step.

"Not here," I said out of breath. He stopped immediately, waiting for me to say something else. I shook my head. "I don't want it to be here."

He leaned back, adjusting himself, and I could see that he must have been in as much pain as I was in. He closed his eyes, putting his fists to them and let out a frustrated sigh.

"I'm afraid," he said under his breath.

"What?"

"I'm afraid if we leave from this place," he hesitated, "from this car, it won't happen. Something will stop us again, you'll change your mind or something and I don't think I could bear it."

"I'm in this," I said with complete honesty. "I'm not changing my mind. I want this... you. I need to see where this is going." I was beyond terrified at what all this entailed, but I had to try, I owed it to him and I fucking owed it my miserable self. I leaned over and squeezed his thigh. "Let's go... we'll figure it out." I laughed again, because I didn't know what else to do.

He leaned forward, without looking at me and turned the key in the ignition while he reached around putting his seatbelt on, and the clicking seemed to echo in my ears over the sound of the engine. He shifted the car into drive, and was staring straight ahead, and I waited, holding my breath not having a clue what was running through his head. I was starting to regret having stopped things before they had went any further. We had a lot to talk about, I realized, and maybe he was having second thoughts again. My heart sank, but eventually, he turned to me smiling.

"If you've given any of those fuckers your key, I'll skin you alive!" he said laughing while the car moved forward.


	7. Chapter 7

**~*Chapter Seven*~

* * *

**

The drive wasn't awkward, but there was an electricity between us that seemed to hum all around the inside of the car. We had managed to park in the underground and take the elevator up to my floor, unseen by any of the hotel staff, and thankfully 'Uncle Alec.' Once through the door, with just one bedside table lamp on, the room seemed unbearably small, and I could feel myself sweating underneath my jacket. I threw if off onto the dresser, not wanting to have to explain sweat stains. He was my best friend for over twelve years, and he'd seen me much worse, but I was frighteningly nervous now, and the only thing I wondered was if my breath smelled. I would have went to the bathroom for a 'private moment' but I didn't want to let him out of my site for fear that he'd be gone when I came out.

He went to the bar fridge and took out all the remaining mini bottles left in there. I didn't need anything else to drink, anything more would taint what we were about to do. I couldn't help but make a mental note as to how much the contents in the fridge were going to cost me at the end of the trip, but it was a brief moment of thought which was easily distracted by his fingers as I watched them pour two glasses of whiskey.

"I think we need these," he said handing me one. My hand lingered on his for just a moment, causing my stomach to flip and I was certain it did the same to him.

"I think I've had enough." I set the glass down gently, avoiding his eyes while I thought of the best way to ask my question.

The entire drive back to the hotel, I had one question on my mind, but I was afraid to hear the answer. I didn't know how else we were going to move ahead, so I thought I would just ask it, because I needed to know the truth.

"Truth," I said, searching out his eyes for an honest response. "Did you tell me that stuff last night about your marriage so I wouldn't feel so pathetic about my own?"

He breathed a few breaths before answering, "No." He looked down at the drink in his hand. "It was the truth. We can't have children. We've exhausted all our options." He quickly glanced up at me, and back down at his glass. "She wants a child, and I can't give her one," he said sadly.

We were standing at the foot of the bed, neither of us exactly comfortable where we were, so I glanced to the small loveseat next to the window. Clueless as to how or where to begin all this, I decided the sofa was looking like the best option at the moment.

"So where does that leave you?" I asked, moving to sit down hoping he would sit next to me. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed, which caused a slight feeling of disappointment, it was like we had taken two giant leaps backward from what had happened in the car.

"She's looking at donors," he said quietly.

"But I thought you said she—"

"Yeah, therein lies the problem. She says she loves me still but… she doesn't know how to move past this. She really doesn't want a stranger's child." He cleared his throat, and it hadn't gone unnoticed that he still hadn't looked at me, I just didn't know why. I wondered if it was embarrassment. Did he feel less of a man because he couldn't give her a child? I wouldn't even begin to imagine the feelings that were probably running through his head. Inadequacy? Shame? Guilt? Probably all of the above.

"It doesn't mean that you're any less of a man, Jas," I said quietly. "It just means you were meant for something else."

He scoffed at that, finally looking up at me.

"And what's that? That I'm destined to be gay 'cause I can't have children?" He chuckled. "Nice."

"That's not what I meant," I said in a serious tone. "I don't know what it means, but it doesn't change who you are, who _I've_ always known you to be."

He really looked at me then, and something moved in my chest. The hurt in his eyes, was unbearably painful to me, and I wanted to comfort him, but my body wouldn't move.

He swallowed, and ran the back of his hand across his mouth as if he was covering up a smile. He might have been laughing, he might not of.

"What are we doing?" he finally asked, looking at me with pleading eyes from five feet away. "I don't know where this can go."

"Neither do I," I said, my voice cracking a little, "but I do know I can't ignore it anymore."

"What will you do? Would you leave her?" He had straightened up, all expression draining from his face. "Would you do that?"

I leaned forward, running my hands through my hair, thinking how I would respond to that… _the_ question.

"I don't know. We're so messed up… I'm so messed up. It's not that simple… if it were another woman, well… it'd be different. You know? But this…" I looked to his eyes, my hands open, gesturing toward him. "This is a whole other life."

"Let me ask you this…" he said. "Would you stay with her if there wasn't this?"

"Probably."

"Why?" he asked, his eyes furrowing and he moved to sit beside me on the sofa. "Edward, you're miserable. Can you really lose yourself to that? You deserve to be happy."

"It's not that simple. I have a family." The words came out before I even realized what I was saying. I saw the hurt in his eyes at the mention of a family. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, "I didn't mean that. It's just I owe it to them to be there."

"You owe it to them and to yourself to be happy. That's what should matter. What are you teaching them if they grow up watching you and your wife the way you are?"

"I'm sorry you can't have children, Jasper, but you don't know what it means to be a father. I have to be there for them. What am I teaching them if I leave?"

He took a deep breath before speaking, trying to gain control of his emotions.

"You're right." He paused. "I don't know what it means to be father, but I do know what it's like to live in a home without love. You don't know what that's like. Your parents still love each other… believe me… that's not normal!" He laughed, leaning back against the sofa, letting his head flop back to look up at the ceiling. "My mother's on her third marriage. She says this is the one, but I know it isn't, and I hope she'll keep trying until she finds the right one because she deserves that. There's nothing wrong with wanting what your parents have. What's wrong is settling for something that isn't like theirs. Great loves do exist, Edward. Your parents are proof of that." He leaned forward, looking me directly in the eye. "Don't you want that?"

"I think that's the most you've ever spoken in one breath," I said laughing a little, trying to deflect myself from thinking about what he just said. Of course I wanted that, didn't everyone? But would I find that with him, with a man? I didn't know if I was brave enough to try.

"Are you trying to say that I could have that?" I looked away from him, and mumbled, "With you?"

I felt the cushion shift as he moved away from me and I was too afraid to look at his face, because whichever answer he gave me, I didn't think I was ready to hear.

"Before I answer that, there's something I need to ask of you," he said slowly.

"What's that?" I asked, raising my eyes back to him, seeking out whatever it was he wanted from me.

"Honesty," he said simply.

"Okay. Fair enough. I thought that's what we were doing." For a moment, I wondered if he thought I was being anything _but _honest with him.

"Did you come to Chicago hoping something would happen between us?" His face was hard while he waited for me to answer. I couldn't hide my shock, for that wasn't what I was expecting.

"No! Not at all!" I answered shaking my head. "I admit… I've been thinking a lot about that last night before I left, but I thought it was just me. When you showed up at my door yesterday, I didn't want to have those feelings… I really didn't, but seeing you again… alone." I paused trying to stop myself from rambling. "I just kept thinking about where I would be, where we would be if I hadn't left."

"You didn't have to leave that day. You could have stayed," he said. "But you ran… from me and this." He gestured between the two of us.

I was taken aback by what he was suggesting, almost as though it was my fault we were now in this predicament, together. I was the one who left, but neither one of us chose to explore that relationship further. There were countless invitations I extended to him to visit me, but they were never accepted, the only one being the invitation to my wedding, which he came with a date who turned out to be his future wife. I didn't understand where this blame or resentment was coming from and I asked him as much.

"I don't remember you asking me to stay," I added, "in fact, I clearly remember you _not_ being there when the cab came to take me to the airport."

"I said goodbye," he said quietly.

"I think I'd remember if you—"

"You were asleep," he cut me off. "I went into your room after everyone had passed out." His words caused my heart to still, and I knew it was waiting for him to continue before it would start beating again. "I watched you for some time, ridiculously hoping you'd wake up on your own and know I was there."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked, shaking my head.

"I thought… if you woke up, then it was meant to be, and if you didn't… then it wasn't. So I waited. But you never did." His expression was one of sorrow, and I reached for his hand. "If I'd just…" He hastily turned away from me, embarrassed by the emotions that had surfaced in him.

"It doesn't matter, now. We can't change it," I offered feebly, not sure what else to say. "I can't regret our decision, I know you don't want to hear it, but I wouldn't have my kids, and I wouldn't take that back for anything."

He leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. His shoulders were slumped over. His mind was working overtime, mulling over something huge. I knew the set of those shoulders, and he was battling with something in his head.

"Jasper, do you want this?" I asked getting straight to the point.

"Yes," he whispered without hesitation. "But…" he trailed off, not finishing what he was about to say.

"There can't be any doubt, because we can't come back from this," I said. "Honesty, that's what you said."

After some time, he finally turned to face me, and his expression was so very different than what I was experiencing. He was sad, whereas, I had doubt and fear, but I was also feeling joy—joy at finally being able to be free with myself and with him.

"It's just that… I made a promise to her. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to hurt you. How do I do that?"

I thought hard about what I was going to say next, whatever it was, I had to be truthful with myself, and so did he, so I said the only thing that we both needed to hear.

"You follow your heart. And as long as you do that, I'll accept any decision you make."

"You want this, then?" He lowered his voice and added, "You want me?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"Aren't you scared?" he asked.

"Terrified," I responded honestly. "Look at my hands?" I held them up, my long fingers shaking delicately. He lifted his own, holding mine in his and squeezed them tightly.

"Me too," he said.

"What do we do?" I asked, laughing.

"Fucked if I know!" He shared my laughter. "I guess… we start where we left off, then figure it out as we go."

"Are we done talking, then?" My voice trembled while he rubbed his thumbs along the back of my hands.

He pulled me up off the loveseat, guiding me to the edge of the bed, the back of my knees bending a little with nowhere else to go. He stepped back, not saying a word but nothing in his expression told me he was second guessing this. I stared at him in amazement, swaying a little, wondering at his control, I could see the signs of strain just below his belt. He moved ever so slightly, his legs quivering and then I heard the slightest sound from him. It was a whispered moan which he tried to conceal by clearing his throat a little, running his hand over his mouth.

He started to unbutton his shirt, but I stopped him.

Immediately, he dropped his hands, closing his eyes, waiting for my hands to touch him. With unsteady fingers, I fumbled with the first button, it was a bit awkward with the buttons being on the other side, but by the third button, my hands were composed and his shirt opened easily enough. He was wearing a snug fitting white T-shirt underneath, the same style of shirt he walked around in the apartment back in university, but now he filled it out so much better than he ever had. It hugged his chest perfectly, showing the definition I had been kind of day-dreaming about all afternoon.

I pushed the shirt over his shoulders, caressing the muscles while I guided the shirt off of him. His breathing was staggered, and his eyes were still closed tight as if he was in pain. I gently grasped his arms, giving them a little squeeze, and moved so my mouth was next to his, slowly, inching my way forward until my lips were pressed against his. I heard the same whispered moan emitting from his throat, and I returned it with my own.

His hands came up to caress my cheeks, moving them all the way down my jaw line while I pulled him closer to me, until our hips pressed against each other, and I could feel his hardness through his jeans, just as he could feel mine. A rush of warmth passed through me, and I couldn't help but grab his waist and grind myself against him, eliciting another groan from the both of us.

His tongue was gentle, almost timid at first, but with the pressing of my cock next to his, everything became quick and visceral all at once. The whiskers below his lips, rasped against my chin, and I was surprised by how much I liked it, the rawness of it, like he was marking me somehow.

My hand moved to his neck, while the other grabbed the back of him, pulling him closer, so our chests were tight against each other. It was odd, remembering this… the feeling of a flushed chest, rather than the bosom of a woman, but it was a fleeting thought as his tongue drove further into mouth causing me to forget anything other than him and this moment.

I felt his fingers reaching for the edge of my T-shirt, and I couldn't stop myself from hissing as they met my flesh. He lifted my shirt up over my head in one quick movement, and I did the same with his, moaning as his bare chest—hot and solid— came crashing into mine. There was an urgency now, and with every touch of his fingers on my skin, he left a fiery trail in their wake. I wanted him… I wanted this. There was no question now, no hesitation, it was all by animalistic instinct what we would do next.

His hands slid down my back, and I felt the calluses on the palms of his hands… they were rough and foreign, but I relished every touch they made, pulling me closer to him as if I might disappear if he didn't.

My hands dove into his hair, grabbing and pulling until his lips broke away from my own. We didn't speak, not in so many words, but his eyes glanced to the bed and I nodded. He pushed me back down on the bed while his own body followed mine until his chest lay on top of me, hovering above me with one arm extended. He gave me a wry smile and I couldn't help but return it.

There was no other sound I could hear other than my own breath and my heart beating as though it was about to explode. We lay there for a moment, both of us gathering the courage to continue. I briefly wondered if he was going to change his mind, and the fear flooded my body, causing my stomach to turn. He shifted slightly, and his cock pushed against my own and I let out a deep sigh and closed my eyes.

"I don't know what to do," he whispered and my eyes shot open. His expression was shy and questioning and he waited for me to answer.

"I don't know either," I answered honestly, but I lifted my hips ever so slightly and he groaned in pleasure and let out a sigh.

"Okay," he said softly, while leaning down and placing his lips on my neck. He bit down gently and goosebumps rose all over my body. I shivered and Jasper chuckled, but continued making his way down my neck to my chest.

My heart was hammering, and the sound reverberated in my ears. I started to panic a little as Jasper moved lower, biting and sucking his way to the belt on my jeans. I wasn't sure I was ready, I wasn't sure if he was ready for this, but my cock twitched in anticipation at the idea of his mouth around it. It had been way too long since anyone's mouth had been around my dick, and I hoped this—or the alcohol I had consumed this evening— wasn't clouding my judgment. I wanted this to be real, but there were too many factors stacking up against me.

"Are we sure?" I asked, grabbing his shoulders and stopping him. "I-I just want you to be sure."

"Edward, I'm sure... if you're not, that's okay..."

"No, it's just... I'm nervous. It's been awhile for me, well... since...anything." I couldn't look him in the eyes and turned my head to the side.

I felt his hands at my belt, his fingers touching flesh as he carefully pulled the leather through the loop and I heard the jingle of the belt as it came undone.

"I want to do this... for you," he said. His fingers slowly undid my buttonfly's one by one and the sensation of it was so tortuous that I had to hold my breath concentrating on anything other than the fact that my best friend was about to suck my cock.

"Breathe," he whispered, grabbing my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

I relaxed my muscles and relinquished myself to his touch. His hands made quick work of my jeans, leaving me in boxer briefs with a painfully erect prick sticking out the top of them. He slid back up my body placing himself over me again and kissed me hard, and deeply, and I finally let the last of my tension release from my body willingly.

I wanted to feel him.

Neither of us had touched the other, and all I kept thinking was that I wanted to grab his cock in my hand. With trembling hands, I reached down between us and did for him what he had done for me. With both of our jeans tossed to the floor and both of us clothed in only the thin fabric of our boxers, he pushed down on top me, our hips grinding into each other's stiff cock.

I cried out a little and lifted my hips all at the same time. Jasper pulled back, moving to his side looking at me pleadingly.

"Touch me," he whispered, "please."

I finally got a look at Jasper and was shocked and amazed by the feelings stirring while I admired his body. I'd always admired women, their hips, their curves, their tits and even their pussies, but Jasper had none of that, and yet I wanted him... my body clearly wanted him.

I saw the tip of his dick poking through the top of his boxers, and the first thought that popped into my head was that I wanted to lick it. I started to move, but stopped myself, and instead, lifted my hand and gently traced his nipple with my finger while he mirrored my movement. I ran my finger down the trail of hair that lead directly to his waiting cock and taking a deep breath, I reached out taking hold of his length.

He groaned pushing up into my hand.

"Fffuuuck," he let out a low breath and I marveled at the feel of another man's dick in my hand while thinking that I wanted to touch flesh not fabric.

I released my hold and he swore again, but I hardly noticed as he captured my mouth in his own, hands and cocks wavered frantically all over the place while we tried to remove our boxers... and then I felt it. His hand reached out grabbing me firmly, flesh and flesh and it was my turn to curse.

My head dropped back on the pillow, my eyes rolling to the back of my head as Jasper started stroking, slow and easy at first, and then found an easy rhythm that was sure to make me come sooner than I had hoped. It was tempting to just lose myself in the sensation of his hand on my flesh, but I didn't want this to end so soon... I didn't know if there would be another chance for this.

"Jasper... slow," I managed to breathe out, my eyes closed, "I won't last." I reached out to hold him but he moved away, further down my chest where his lips were precariously close to the tip of my cock.

"I want this," he said, "let me, please?"

My stomach tensed while my balls tightened. I had to force myself to relax and concentrate on anything other than the idea of Jasper's tongue tasting my dick. After all this time, all these years, it was finally happening and my body was reacting. I never wanted to forget this moment, and I never wanted to let him go.

His hand moved to my thigh while the other cupped my balls, squeezing them ever so slightly, and I moaned loudly, surprised and unsure of where it came from. I watched as his hand moved from my balls back up to the base of my cock. His head lowered while his tongue darted out from between his lips touching the tip and licking the hole. Every nerve in my body erupted and I couldn't stop my gasps as his warm, wet mouth engulfed me.

I cursed again and ran my hands over my face a few times. I grabbed hold of my hair, hoping to feel some pain to distract me from my arousal as Jasper's tongue encircled me. My cock was throbbing and the pulse of it seemed to spread up my hips along my spine causing my body to scream out in satisfaction. The sensation of having another man's mouth on me, a man I loved, was indescribable. Never had I felt this with my wife, but I was fairly certain it was the forbidden pleasure of it that was causing this new sensation. It was wrong... and I knew it, but I wanted it and made me want it that much more. Our stifled desire for each after all these years was like a dormant volcano waiting to erupt.

My hands fisted the sheets as I dug me heels into the bed. I was so close...

"Jas," I breathed heavily. "I'm gonna..." I warned him. It was all I could manage as I felt the throbbing start at the back of my hips, moving through my stomach all the way down to my thighs. My cock came free of his mouth while he backed away and, instinctively, I pushed my hips upward, crying out loudly as the orgasm washed through me spilling out all over my stomach.

I wasn't sure if my heart would ever beat at a normal pace again. There was a thin layer of sweat covering my body and I felt a trickle of moisture trailing down from my brow and wondered at the heightened senses I was feeling. My body was alive, as if it was on fire and I was soaring up with the flames.

Jasper's hand gently came up to my forehead, wiping the drip away, caressing my skin, while placing a tender kiss on my lips. He let out a precious sigh that seemed to speak so much more than words ever could.

I returned his kiss and pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him in a possessive embrace while I rolled him on to his back. We kissed for a little longer, grinding ourselves against each other, the skin of our cocks touching and creating friction that quickly made me hard again. We were reveling in the sensation, and I noticed Jasper's pace had quickened ever so slightly. He let a long moan exhaling into my mouth and his fingers came up to my hair gripping firmly and pulling my head back.

"Oh fuck," he said, biting his lip, pushing his hips up harder and faster with each thrust. "Fuck," he cried out again. His hips were moving fervently now and I wanted to make him come, just as he had made me, I reached down to touch him, but he stopped me.

"No, like this..." he said, thrusting upward again... "together."

My lips met his, mirroring his thrusts and I cried out in pain and pleasure as the bone from his hip connected with me. I needed to feel that sensation again and drove my cock into his hip crushing and rubbing until I couldn't stand it anymore.

Jasper had moved his hands from my hair to my ass, digging his fingertips into flesh, guiding me, pushing me down harder onto him and I felt his arms tense and quickly glanced at his face. His eyes were shut tight, biting his lip so hard I thought he might have drawn blood.

"Now," I whispered, watching his face as he struggled to let go.

With a few grunts and yell, his body tensed underneath me and then relaxed as he let out a long exhale. He opened one eye and his lips curled up into that smile I had loved for all these years. He pushed up with one final thrust and the combination of that and the look on his face caused me to come only moments after he had.

We lay beside each other, panting and flushed, covered in sweat and a white sticky mess. It wasn't at all what I expected, but then again, I didn't know what I had expected. I suddenly felt very naked, something I had never felt with a woman before. I wanted to cover myself up, but the sheets were in disarray on the floor and I was too chicken to get up or move.

There was no sound other than our labored breathing.

"Huh," Jasper said rubbing his chest.

"Huh?" I questioned.

"Not what I thought," he mumbled.

Reflexively, I snapped my head to the side to look at him and he laughed.

"Relax," he chuckled, "that's a good thing." He turned on to his side resting his head on his hand. "It was easier than I thought... you know..." He glanced down to my flaccid dick, and I felt extremely naked now so I moved to cover myself but only managed to make a further mess of everything.

"Then again... it wasn't," he said, all joking aside, "that other... stuff."

"Yeah," I said, holding up my hand that was now covered in my own mess looking around for something to wipe it on. "Do you think you could... you know... do that?" I asked, still holding up my hand.

"Honestly? I don't know," he answered, then laughed looking at my hand. "You need a shower."

"So do you!" I glanced down at him, the evidence of both of us on his skin, just as it was on mine.

"Do you?" He raised his eyebrows to me questioning if I was ready to go down that road.

I cleared my throat, trying to figure out how I would respond. We were both extremely vulnerable right in this moment, so I had to be honest in how I answered.

"I admit... I'm definitely curious, but I don't think I'm ready tonight."

He let out a sigh of relief, rolling back on to the bed.

"Was it not what you thought?" he asked.

"What?" I exclaimed. "No, it was amazing, but I think you know that. This," I gestured between us and the bed, "this only showed me that I really do love you. I couldn't do this with anyone. There isn't anyone I'd want to share that experience with. I wanted to get as close to you as possible. I wanted to breathe you, to feel you... and next time, if there is one, maybe we can explore this a little more," I finished with a whisper.

He lay on his back looking up at the ceiling. He was thinking again and I couldn't bear the idea of not knowing what was in his head. I opened my mouth to ask, but then he spoke before I could.

"I love you, too," he said closing his eyes, and that look of pain from earlier crossed his face again. I made a move to reach out to him, but then remembered my hand, and stopped, hovering just above his chest.

As if he could sense it there, he slowly opened his eyes, narrowing in on my hand and then jumped up from the bed.

"Come on," he said walking toward the bathroom, "shower."


	8. Chapter 8

**~*Chapter Eight*~**

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I woke to the sound of his heavy breathing beside my ear, he wasn't snoring, but it was a deep peaceful sound that was so very different from my wife. I started at first, but then remembered where I was and who I was with. Rolling over on to my back, I had that split second feeling of regret and shame at what I had done to my family. My stomach roiled, the bile rising in my throat, thinking about how I was going to tell them that their father was in love with a man. I sat up with a jarring movement, the blood rushing downward, causing some light-headedness which didn't help my anxious state. I ran my hands through my hair, it was all I could do stop myself from running out the door.

Jasper's hand found its way to my back and stroked me ever so slightly. I turned to look at him, his eyes were still closed and it looked as though he was still sleeping, but then I saw his lip curl and he smiled.

"Relax," he mouthed and I took a deep, long breath.

None of the anxiety mattered. He was letting me know that last night wasn't a mistake. The bar, the bed and everything in between, including the shower, had been what both of us had wanted. I glanced to the bathroom and flushed, remembering his hand on my cock with the water streaming down overhead, stroking each other in rhythm until we both came. There was nothing wrong with what I had been feeling last night, but here in this bed in the morning light, it felt different. I had to find some way to get past this, because I loved him, and I loved myself when I was with him. We had to find a way.

I fell back on to the pillows, the bed frame squeaking beneath me. I had to laugh a little, wondering if it would always be this way. Would there always be the guilt and the shame or would it eventually go away. I imagined once I came clean to my family it would help take some of it away.

Jasper laid his arm on my chest, almost as though he was nuzzling into the side of me.

"What do we do now?" I had to ask.

"Can't you just relax a little... enjoy this?" he croaked, his voice heavy and thick with sleep. "It's too fucking early."

"It's not that early and I still have to work today." I placed my hand on his arm, lightly rubbing the hairs on it.

He groaned loudly in discontent, rolling away from me. "Fuck," he breathed out. "I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck." He looked over at the clock, squinting at the light in the room. "I need a cigarette." He coughed into his hand.

"You left them at the bar," I said, flushing again wondering how we were going to explain our sudden departure from the bar to the guys.

"Shit," he grumbled. "That's not going to be an easy one to explain." He had the same thought as me.

"I leave tomorrow." I said it simply, without even thinking.

He turned to his side, leaning up on his elbow and scrutinized my face. "What have you decided?"

"I have to tell her," I answered, then added. "Do you want me to tell her?"

"I want you to be happy, Edward, that's all I want, and if telling her will bring you some relief, then tell her. But you have to do something." He reached out putting his hand on my chest. "I hate seeing you this way."

"I know," I said, gripping his hand. "What are you going to do?"

He looked away avoiding my gaze, and removed his hand from underneath mine. "I'll follow your lead... whatever you want to do."

"Great," I said sarcastically, "no pressure there."

He nudged me gently. "We're both in very different circumstances," he said. "Despite all that we've gone through, things are very amicable with my wife and I want to keep them that way."

"I'll probably be lucky if I get joint custody of the kids!" I had meant it as a joke, but there was more truth to it than I let on. He was quiet as he digested what I had just admitted.

"Did you ever want more kids?" he asked.

I turned to my side to face him, wondering where this was coming from. I furrowed my eyebrows and responded, "I suppose so. I haven't really thought about it. She had a difficult pregnancy this time around, and the way things are we never thought about having another. But growing up as an only child, I always thought I'd have at least a handful." I laughed remembering my countless arguments with my parents about wanting a brother or sister. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," he said quickly. "I just remember you joking you wanted to field a baseball team." There was the sad look in his eyes again... it was distant and he seemed hesitant again.

"Well, that was before I realized how much work they are!" I shook it off. "I don't want to be an absent father, and I can barely keep track of the two I have. Work doesn't exactly allow me quality time with them, you know?"

"Yeah, I suppose." He leaned down and kissed me. It was unexpected and I jumped a little bit, but then relaxed into the kiss. It wasn't filled with passion like last night's had been, but it was tender and light and natural. "I'm sure you're a good dad. You had a good role model to learn from."

"I hope so." And I really did. Not knowing what was going to happen next was terrifying. I always had a plan, I always knew what I was doing, and for once in my life everything was up in there air... but that's how it always was with Jasper. I never knew what to expect when I was with him, as a friend and now as a lover. For now, all I wanted was to spend this last day and night with him, and not care about returning home or what would happen when I did. I just wanted to relish in this moment and worry about the consequences later.

"What are your plans for today?" I asked hesitantly, trying to find out if he'd tell me if he was going to go home or not.

"Work," he said simply.

"Then what?"

He smiled and leaned down to kiss me again. "Dinner?" he asked and I nodded. "Then..." He smiled suggestively and I laughed.

"Are you going to go home?"

He rolled away from me and sat up, placing his legs over the side of the bed. "I don't know, Edward, probably," he said stretching and yawning. "I have to get some clothes and some other stuff."

"Will you tell her?"

"No," he said without hesitating, his back to me. "Not yet."

"When?"

"Don't," he said. "I don't want to talk about that right now, okay?"

"Okay," I said.

"It's just... let's just enjoy this. Can't we do that?" His shoulders slumped over and he leaned down to grab his boxers off the floor.

"Sorry," I apologized, "you're right... again." I leaned over and touched his back and he sighed, exhaling though his nose.

"I'll be right back," Jasper said, standing up heading for the bathroom holding his boxers in his hand.

I smiled lazily, admiring his form in the morning light while I watched him go. I wondered when my view of the male body had changed... or maybe it was just Jasper's body. Yes, definitely, it was Jasper's body. I thought it would be awkward between us this morning, but it wasn't. It was as natural as it could have been... like it always had been. Me, always worrying about what was next, and him always telling me to take a step back, relax and enjoy the moment. He was absolutely right. There was nothing either of us could do about it now, and with one day left I wanted to enjoy it, so when I did go home, there would be absolutely no doubt in my mind that we had done the right thing.

My thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing sound of one of our phones vibrating on the nightstand. As luck would have it, we both had the same phone, so I picked it up checking to see whose it was.

_1 Text Message_, the screen read.

I pushed accept and saw that it was Jasper's phone and the message was from his wife. I moved to put it back, but then curiosity got the better of me and I clicked to read the message.

_Hey Sweetheart. Did you ask Edward, yet? What did he say? Please call me, I'm dying to hear if he said yes! We'll be a family soon, I can feel it. I love you._

That sick feeling in my stomach returned. At first I thought it was just jealousy at the intimate way his wife spoke to him, but then the hairs on the back of my neck stood up like I had just witnessed something terrible. What was so important to ask me that she would be waiting so impatiently to hear? And then it clicked. My world started to crumble all around me as I lost all feeling in my limbs and the sounds in the room became muffled. All the questions, all the prompts about my family...my children... me being a father.

It was like watching everything happen in slow motion. Jasper came out of the bathroom, and he said something, but I couldn't hear it, all his words became one long low-pitched drowned out sound. I blinked a few times, trying to focus on his words, but it wasn't working. My throat was constricted, while my heart was pounding in my ears, I thought it would shatter as fragile as it was just now if I didn't gain control of it.

I took a deep breath, counting to ten, and then everything stilled. The sounds came rushing back with crystal clarity as the anger swept over my body.

"Edward," I finally heard Jasper's voice, "are you okay? What's wrong?" He stood at the edge of the bed wiping his hands on a towel with a concerned look on his face, but he made no move to comfort me, my face clearing indicating to keep a distance.

I lifted up his phone which was still in my hand.

"What did you need to ask me?" I said, my voice steely and heated.

"What?"

"You have something to ask me, so ask it," I spat out, throwing his phone at him. He caught it and glanced at the screen and the expression on his face dropped.

"Edward." He looked at me sadly.

"Save it." I stood up pulling on my pants. "So that's why all the questions! That's why you don't want to talk about her. You have no intention of leaving her, do you?"

"Edward," he said again, moving toward me.

"Don't. Don't even fucking think about it." I picked up my shirt, throwing it over my head, suddenly wanting every bit of my skin covered up from him. "So what was all this?" I gestured to the bed. "Huh? A pity fuck?" I threw his clothes at him. "Get out."

"Please, just listen," he pleaded.

"Why would I do that? What could you possibly say to me to tell me I'm wrong?" I was close to hitting something. I looked at the wall... I looked at him, and instead clenched my fists hard, willing them to stay steady.

"I don't regret it... it's just... it's just I can't live this life. I don't want to."

"Right... so what the _fuck_ was all this, then?"

"I can see how miserable you are... I just wanted to make you forget. I wanted to make you happy. If I could do this for you then maybe..."

He trailed off, not finishing his sentence so I finished it for him. "So you pimped yourself out so you and your wife could have a baby," I said incredulously. "Wow! And you said you didn't know who _I_ was."

"It's not like that," he said quietly, but not denying my accusation.

"Oh no? Then you want to tell me what it's like? Cause from where I'm standing, it looks to me as if you're a whore, and I'm the fucker that got played. You thought you'd sweeten the deal for me, huh? That if we fucked that was payment enough?"

"No! God damnit! You know how I feel about you, but I love her too and want to give her a child. You're the only one I thought of when we talked about finding a donor. The only one I wanted to share this with."

"Fuck you," I said disgusted. "You're such a fucking hypocrite! You want me to leave my wife, my _children_ but you had no intention of doing the same. You lied to me... _this _was a fucking lie!" My fist came up and he lifted his jaw, expecting me to hit him... almost as if he wanted me to. "Get out!" I screamed, my chest pounding, breathing heavily with rage. Dropping my hand and my head, I turned to the bathroom and shut the door. I sunk to the floor, and grabbed a towel to try to stifle my cries so he wouldn't hear them. My entire world came crashing down around me in only a few short minutes. I had thrown everything away for him. I couldn't go back and face my family now and pretend that none of this had happened. What was I supposed to do now?

The panic started to lace itself deep within my body until I thought I was surely going to suffocate. I turned on the shower, hoping the sound of it would drown out any of the noises I was making. I hadn't heard him leave, I knew he was still out there, and there was no way I was coming out of this bathroom until he was gone.

Wiping away the steam from the shower, I looked at my disheveled state and my blood shot eyes. _I'm ruined, _I thought. Broken completely from the lies of a beloved friend, who—in twenty-four hours—had taken me through a gamut of emotions and feelings that I thought had finally been real, only to realize that one more thing in my life was forged. I really did have nothing that was genuine.

I heard a soft tap on the door followed by his voice, "For what it's worth," Jasper sighed, "I love you, that wasn't a lie." I heard the outer door open, and when it clicked closed, I sunk to the floor again.

I had managed to take an excruciating long, hot shower, trying to wash the remnants of the evening off of my skin… the trace of him off of me. I felt used, dirty and so terribly low, that I wasn't sure if I could talk to anyone, even enough just to check out, but my only thought was to get out of Chicago. I needed to leave this place far behind me, I wasn't thinking about anything but that. I knew I had responsibilities to my job, they would be furious that I skipped out of town before I closed the deals and I would probably be fired, but I didn't care, I was beyond all that at the moment.

The elevator doors chimed open, and I held my breath, hoping I could check out without drawing any attention to myself. I saw him at the far end of the lobby, near the concierge desk. His back was turned to me, so I quickly walked to reception with my head down, my garment bag resting on my left shoulder trying to hide my face while I waited for the woman to notice me.

She eventually looked up and said, "Checking out?" I nodded a 'yes' handing her my keycard.

"Would you like that to stay on your credit card, Mr. Cullen?" she asked.

I winced at my name, and sure enough a quick glance in the direction of the concierge confirmed that he had heard it.

His voice echoed across the lobby as he asked the person he was speaking with to excuse himself for a moment.

"Edward! There you are!" he said with laughter in his voice. "But why the bags? You're not scheduled to check out until tomorrow." Alec had reached my side, and with my downcast eyes, I noticed his pocket square was bright yellow this morning, sunny almost, like his disposition, in direct contrast with mine.

He leaned down, trying to look up at my face and his expression fell. He said, frowning, "Oh, dear."

"Alec, please… don't." I glanced at him, and then back to the woman who was taking care of my bill.

"What's he done?" he asked placing a hand on his hip, looking at me over the top of his glasses. I ignored him, turning my back ever so slightly.

"Charlotte? Mr. Cullen's bill will be taken care of, there's no need to check him out. I'll take care of it." He shooed her away with a flick of his hand.

"Please," I whispered, closing my eyes, pleading that he would leave me alone.

"Edward," he said, his tone dropping. "Come into my office?"

"I just want to get out of here," I said through gritted teeth.

"What's happened?" he said again, placing his hand on my arm and I couldn't help but flinch. I didn't want to be touched.

"You'll have to ask _him_." I pulled away and ran my hand over my face, trying to calm my nerves, distracting myself from letting my emotions take hold.

"Oh believe me, I intend to. But I'd like to hear it from you, too. It's you who looks as though your heart's been trampled on." He tilted his head frowning. "Come… let's go talk."

I took a deep breath, wondering how best to handle this. I no longer wished to be in this hotel, the walls felt as though they were closing in on me and I was having difficulty breathing. There was a pain in my chest and I recognized the signs of yet another anxiety attack just waiting to happen. I grabbed my credit card, and picked up my bag.

After another deep breath, I closed my eyes, turned to Alec and said, "Thank you for taking care of my bill, if you need anything from me, the card's on file."

"Edward…"

"I'm sorry, but I just can't," I said and walked away from him across the lobby to the stairs leading to the parking garage.

I don't remember leaving the city. I had driven through downtown to get to the Skyway, and instead of heading north to the airport, I went south on I90. The thought of sitting in a cramped airplane surrounded by strangers was not exactly something I thought I could handle. I needed to drive. I needed to think and be alone in my thoughts. So that's what I did. Blindly following a highway, not really sure of where I was going, but just driving anyway, heading for a place that seemed to draw me toward it.

Fifteen hours later, I pulled into the driveway to see all the lights in the house were out, which just seemed to compound the idea I was alone. I had hoped that there would be one small lamp in a window to give me a sign that I had made the right decision. With my hand on the car door, I hesitated, second guessing my arrival. It wasn't until I was at the halfway point that I realized where I had been driving, it was as if I was on automatic pilot and my body was seeking solace and comfort, leading me here. The hour was late, much later than I had thought, but time never really meant anything in this house, so I gripped the handle tight and opened the door, forever changing any future that had already been laid out in my path.

I waited with my breath held as I rang the doorbell, wondering if I could run back to the car, even though I knew it was too late to turn back now. After a few minutes the upper lights flicked on, and I heard the footsteps of someone coming down the stairs to the front entrance. The porch light switched on and I winced at the brightness, shielding my tired and, more than likely, bloodshot eyes from it.

The door swung open and there was a collective gasp from the both of us. Mine filled with sorrow, while his was filled with surprise.

"Son!" my father exclaimed, wrapping his housecoat around him from the late night, chilly air. "What are you doing here?"

"Dear? Who is it?" I heard my mother ask from the top of the stairs, her voice heavy with sleep.

"It's Edward," my father answered, ushering me inside.

"Edward?" she said, and the sound of her footsteps rushing down the stairs were followed by her voice. "What's happened?" She came to me, pulling me into a strong embrace, and finally, I could let go all of my demons I'd been holding in for the past fifteen hours, even for the past eight years. I buckled in her arms, sobbing and the two of them held me only as a mother and father could.

"Sshh…" she soothed, caressing my hair. "It will be all right." We were sitting on the floor in front of the door, and all I could do was cry. I couldn't move, I couldn't say anything, my body was racked with guilt and shame and every other emotion that hammered home that I was a failure. My father removed himself, probably putting on some coffee and lighting the fireplace in the living room. He left me with my mother, the one person I needed right now, and let us have our privacy.

"Edward," she said softly, holding me and rocking me just like I remembered she used to do when I was hurt as a child. "Is everyone okay? The children?"

"Fine," I managed to mumble to ease that part that was causing her to worry. She breathed a sigh of relief at the news.

"Okay…" she soothed again. "That's good, that's what matters."

I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but eventually, I had cried myself out, and the two of us were silent. I heard the wood in the fireplace crackling as the flames took hold, and could smell the coffee from the kitchen.

"Come," she said rubbing my back. She took off my jacket, leading me into the living room where my father was sitting, one hand holding a cup of coffee, the other holding his lip in thought. He was staring intently at the fire, and stood up immediately when we walked into the room. He didn't say anything, just poured two more cups of coffee from a carafe and handed me a mug and one to my mother. I could smell the whiskey in it and was overcome with gratitude at how much comfort my parents were offering. I was shaking, my teeth were chattering uncontrollably, and I couldn't make them stop.

"The whiskey should help," he said, smiling sadly, and immediately the shame came rushing back, as I thought about what I had just done, and wondered how I could possibly tell them.

We all sat in silence for awhile, as I fought hard to gain control of my shivers. He was right though, the whiskey helped through the shock of it all.

Eventually, my mother sat her mug down, rubbing my thigh gently, and asked, "Can you tell us what's happened?"

I shook my head, the tears running down my cheeks, but the sobs had stopped, these were silent tears that I couldn't seem to get under control.

"I'm ashamed," I said, finally. My voice sounded foreign to me, I hadn't spoken in over 15 hours and it was raw and strangled almost.

"Son, there's nothing you can't tell us." My father leaned forward, and he placed his hand over my mother's, which was still resting on my thigh.

I grew up in this house. These walls held so much adoration and reassurance, the only place I ever felt truly loved. I was a grown man now, but this place would always be my home… these people, my parents, were the only two people who had ever loved me unconditionally. I had nowhere else to go, there was nowhere else I wanted to be. With a heavy heart, I told them everything, from the first day I met Jasper, to last night's endeavors. We talked until the sun rose, and while I left out a lot of the details to spare them from any embarrassment, I was honest with them, for the first time in many, many years.


	9. Chapter 9

**~*Chapter Nine*~**

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**~*8 Months Later*~**

"I said I'd be there," I said, sighing into the phone while I listened to the condescending tone on the other end. "Yes… I think I can handle that. I'm still their father!" My words came out a little harsher than I'd intended and the two women at the opposite end of the apple bin looked up in alarm. I gave them a weak smile before turning my back and lowering my voice again. "If you'd just let me take them in the day, you wouldn't have this problem. They don't need to be in daycare. I'm quite capable of looking after our kids."

"Most people are quite capable of showering every day too, but that little task seems to slip by you," she snapped back.

"I _told_ you things are better."

"Edward," she sighed, "can we _not_ do this right now? I don't have time, I'm late. Can you just be there at three, and I don't know… take them to McDonald's or something. Please don't take them back to your place, they don't need to see how their father is living right now."

"_Fine,_" I said, gritting my teeth. "Call me when you're done." I snapped the phone shut, and took a breath to try and calm my racing heart. It wasn't often I got to see my kids without my wife or my mother present. It was an odd arrangement we'd worked out without consulting lawyers, one that involved me agreeing to not being around too much while my mother helped out as much as she could. These past few months, I hadn't exactly been a fit father, but things were slowly starting to get better. I was actually venturing out of my small, two bedroom apartment every once and awhile and did remedial things like grocery shopping, like I was doing right now. I'd been forcing myself outside every day, just to walk down to the end of the street where the little independent grocer was and purchase the basics like milk for my coffee or bread for the toast I ate every morning, or I'd pick up a newspaper to stay current. It was only recently I had started to do this because of a promise I'd made.

My mother had been doing everything for me for the first few months. I'd stayed with my parents for awhile, I don't remember much of those days. They were dark, that's all I know. It was the start of the disintegration of my marriage. No… that's not true, it had been on shaky ground for some time. But when I lost my job for not showing up to the Chicago meeting, she decided she'd had enough, and we separated. I didn't have much choice in the matter, not that I could blame her. I wasn't fit to be around anyone, especially her. I couldn't get past the shame every time I looked at her.

After a few weeks away from my children, my parents eventually made the decision I needed to be closer to them and found a place for me to live in the city. My mother did the long drive to visit twice a week. She did my laundry, dropped off food, and helped with the children without me even really knowing it. I'd basically slept the entire winter away. For months, I hadn't put it all together… how my rent got paid, my clothes got clean, along with my dishes, and how there was always a toilet paper roll on the holder. Things just always stayed the same, so there was never any need to do anything. The day I'd found her holding my clean underwear waiting for me to get dressed, was the day I actually woke up from months of a sleepless slumber. I hadn't yelled or anything like that. I simply said, "Stop," and she did.

She stopped coming. She'd call and check up on me, but that was all I would let her do. I'd destroyed my marriage, and possibly my children's lives and there wasn't anything I could do to change it. So now I had nothing. I was nothing. At least I thought so until a few weeks ago when a stranger turned up on my doorstep.

I was sitting, half laying, in my chair staring at the TV. I wasn't sure what I was watching, I never really knew. Every day was the same, they had all blended into one. I heard a knock on the door, but dismissed it for the TV. No one knocked on my door. The only people who visited were my parents and they had a key. The knock turned into banging.

"Edward!" the vaguely familiar voice rang out. "I know you're in there, I can hear _The Price is Right _music."

_Huh. So that's what I was watching. Where was Bob Barker?_

"Open up, honey. This neighborhood isn't exactly built for my kind."

I knew that voice and inwardly groaned, which quickly turned to panic as I thought about who else might be on the other side of that door as well. _Fuck._

"Go away," I yelled back, shocked to hear my own voice.

"Now that's no way to treat a visitor. I came all this way to see you."

"You can turn right back around and go back to where you came from."

"Sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere. Lucky you, I've been transferred. And I have a week off before I start, so I can wait out here all day. And trust me, your neighbors are starting to stare. Just wait 'til I invite some of my friends over to sit with me. We'll have a big ol' gay block party in your honor, so open up." He banged on the door again.

'_Fuck' _was the only thing that kept repeating in my mind while I scanned the state of my apartment. It was a disaster, not fit for anyone, especially him.

Reluctantly, I went to the door. "Who else is with you?"

"It's only me," he said, his voice quiet.

I took a deep breath ready for the onslaught of all that was Alec and opened the door.

His eyes widened at the state of my appearance. His nose wrinkled in disgust, and he pulled a bright purple handkerchief out of his pocket to hold it over his nose.

"Oh my word. It's worse than I imagined." He pushed past me and did a 360 in my living room. He was dressed relatively normal, at least I thought what was normal for him. I'd never seen him out of hotel uniform. Apart from a really loud and colorful shirt and his gleaming white, leather shoes he looked well put together, unlike me.

"Oh my word," he said again, looking at the empty takeout boxes and newspapers around the room. "Edward." He shook his head and frowned. "If I'd known it was this bad I would have come sooner."

"I don't need or want your fucking help."

"Yes you do," he said eyeing me. "On both accounts."

"No. I don't."

"Listen, honey, you're a grown man with no job and two children. Trust me, you need more than just my help."

"Fuck you."

"Lucky for you," he said ignoring me, "I have buckets full of contacts in this city." He dusted off his hands and pulled out his cell phone.

"Who are you calling?" I asked with an edge to my voice.

"First things first." He punched in a number and held the phone to his ear. "Have you taken to the drink?" he asked me. "Drugs? Any of that?"

I mumbled, "No." I'd pretty much given the drink up since Chicago. My parents made sure I didn't go down that road. It would have been far too easy to drink myself into oblivion, but frankly I didn't have the stomach for it. It only seemed to bring back all the memories, not numb them. Besides, I wouldn't do that to my children. I may have been severely depressed, but I wasn't going to be a drunk.

"Well that's good news, because that'd be a whole different kettle of fish if you had, and I'd be making completely different calls." He held up his finger, indicating someone had picked up on the other line.

"Darling! How are you? Yes, yes, you heard that right. I'm here to stay! Fabulous, isn't it? Listen, I'm calling in that favor." He paused. "Mmhmm. Oh, yes. ASAP. Okay, just a second." He held the phone away from his mouth and whispered to me, "Phone number?"

I was in shock. In less than five minutes a whirlwind had entered my living room and was threatening to upturn my cozy little life of gloom. He snapped his fingers at me and had an annoyed look on his face, so I gave it to him without thinking. He relayed it to whoever was on the other line, along with my address and then promptly ended the call.

"A cleaning service is coming this afternoon while we're going to be out. Do you have someone to leave a key with? The Landlord perhaps?" I could only nod in response. "Perfect. One down, a gazillion things to go." He turned and walked back toward the bedrooms. He opened up a door, and said, "This is promising. Who set this up for the little ones?" He was standing in the large room that was actually the master bedroom for the apartment. My mother had set it up for the children, if and when they ever were to visit… which they hadn't. There was a crib for my son and small, tastefully decorated bed for my daughter. It was the only thing I'd allowed my mother to decorate in the apartment.

"I'm assuming it was this fabulous mother of yours I keep hearing about? She has gorgeous taste, and it's nice to see you haven't spoiled this room… but the smell. Edward, we have to air this place out." He carried on past the bathroom. "I'm not even going to look in there." He got to my room, and it was the same sad shape as the rest of the apartment. "Mmhmm. I see we've got our work cut out for us. This isn't a bedroom. It's a room with a bed."

"That's all I need."

"Of course it's all you need, but who wants to live that way? Don't be ridiculous. You, honey, are not a minimalist."

"You don't even fucking know me. We met once, and now you come barging into my life and want to turn everything upside down. I want you to get the fuck out."

"Well, as you know, we can't always have what we want, can we?" he said with his right hand on his hip.

I felt my ears flush, and the anger started to emerge. My hands were shaking. I picked up a can from the side table and threw it against the wall. It was empty so it didn't quite have the impact that I'd wanted.

"Feel better?"

"No."

"Then do it again."

And I did. Again and again and again, throwing anything I could get my hands on. And when I was done, I was out of breath and the tears had started to flow. I slumped to the ground and let it all out. I hadn't done that since the night at my parent's house when I confessed everything. Up until now, I'd just been uncomfortably numb.

I wasn't angry he was here. I was angry that I'd wanted it to be someone else on the other side of that door. After eight months I hadn't been able to stop that feeling every time the phone rang or the rare times there was a knock on my door. He hadn't even tried to call or contact me, and now he sends Alec? He was a fucking coward.

"Why are you really here?"

He sighed heavily, coming to my side. He bent down so we were eye level. "He didn't ask me to come if that's what you're thinking."

"I don't know how to get past this."

"I know." He put a hand on my shoulder. "You've lost your path and you just have to find a way back to a new one. You need to find out who Edward really is. You need to dig deep down and find out what makes you, you. And I'm going to help you."

"You don't even know me."

"I know more than you think."

"How?"

"That doesn't matter. What we have to do is get you cleaned up, and I'm really good at that. Although I love the Grizzly Adams beard, it's all manly and everything." He growled and smiled. "But I'm sure it frightens small children. Particularly yours."

I narrowed my eyes, wondering how he knew about my children. "You sound like my wife."

"That's the next thing. You have to mend that bridge. Have you told her?"

'Told her what, exactly,' was what I wanted to ask him, even though I figured he knew everything, or why else would he be here. I shook my head, no.

"Do you plan on being honest with her?"

"I don't know. What's the point?"

"The point is... '_To thine own self be true.'_ You can't truly be happy until you accept that."

"What are you getting at?"

"You know darn well what I'm getting. This shame... guilt... self-hatred has to end." He stood up groaning. "I'm too old to be in that position. Come on get off the floor, I can't imagine what's festering in that carpet."

"How did you find me?" I asked, hoping to deflect his last comment. I had an unlisted number, and I knew my parents would never give out my information to anyone.

"The gays have ways." He tapped the side of his nose and winked. "I'm kidding!" he said in response to my scandalous look. "Your mother gave it to me. She _is_ fabulous by the way."

"You spoke to my mother?"

"Of course. She wouldn't give it to me at first, but she was an easy nut to crack." Alec spoke with a lot of hand gestures and he talked fairly quick. It was sometimes tough to follow both at once. "They all crack eventually," he sang. His expression turned serious. "They're worried about you, Edward. We all are. And when I say we, I mean—"

"Don't!" I cut him off. "Don't go there. You can walk right out that fucking door if you do. You can stay, but... _Chicago_ is off the table."

He gave me a sad smile, and nodded slowly. "Okay. I can live with that."

I looked at him warily knowing full well he wouldn't keep to his side of the bargain. "I'm serious, Alec. Done."

"Look, Edward, I'm not going to push you into anything you aren't ready to be pushed into. That's a promise. Okay? We'll take it slow, and you let me know when you're ready on that front." He smiled at me and patted my arm. "You know, back in my thirties, I used to council teens. I was good at it too. Too bad there wasn't any money it." He sighed deeply, reminiscing for a second. "I do know what you're feeling. I'm a fifty year old gay man who came out in the eighties. I know a thing or two about pain and rejection. And you're not the first straight man to realize he might've married the wrong sex."

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. I still reflexively flinched whenever I thought about the word gay and me together.

"Okay… clearly not ready for a label yet. See? I told you I wouldn't push you."

"Why do you want to help me?"

"Because I like you, and I love my nephew." I gave him another warning look, and he raised his hands in defense. "Okay, okay. It's in the vault. No more. Edward..." He paused for a minute before continuing. "There's nothing wrong with you. All this guilt and shame is what you're pushing on yourself. You have your health. You have people who love you. And these are all gifts, but the other gift you have, perhaps the greatest gift, is choice. You get to choose how you want to live your life. If you want to stay like this, how you are living now, I'll let you be. But you think you're stuck, and you're not. God's greatest gift is choice." I gave him a skeptical look for he smiled and said, "What? You think a gay man can't believe in God?"

Alec wasn't kidding about getting a new start. I didn't ask where we were going; he wouldn't have told me if I had. He just said it was needed. So when we showed up at an upscale hair salon, I wasn't too surprised. He pretty much knew everyone in the place, I don't know how but all he said was that I needed the works and they fit me in.

I'd never had a straight razor shave, but I had to hand it to Alec, it was one of the best feelings I'd experienced. Between the sound of the leather strap and the blade, to the lather and hot towel, my senses were on fire. It was exhilarating, and my adrenalin was pumping.

"It's something else, isn't it?" the man said as he removed the towel from my face. "This is going to sting a little bit, but it's worth it." He slapped some aftershave on my face and he was right... it burned. "So how do you know Alec?"

"Listen, Jared, Edward isn't really up for small talk, okay?" Alec said from across the salon. He'd stopped his phone conversation and was looking at us. How he'd heard, neither of us knew. I smiled at Jared apologetically, and shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't really know him all that well," I said.

Jared grinned knowingly, as he put two and two together.

"Oh, no, it's not like that," I said trying to explain. "I know... I mean knew his... nephew." My voice kind of choked on the last word.

"I've heard him talk of him. Jasper, right? What do you mean 'knew?'" Jared gasped, bringing his hand to his mouth. "Oh, my God, did he die or something?"

"Um... no." I looked down at my hands.

"How's everything going?" Alec appeared out of nowhere, and I saw him quickly give a look to Jared telling him to drop the conversation.

"Almost done. Next step is this thick, head of hair. We just need to tidy this up, but I want to leave the length if that's okay." He wasn't looking at me, he was looking at Alec and asking his permission, not mine.

"I agree," Alec said, nodding. He had one arm across his chest and the other resting under his chin. "I love the length."

"Isn't this all a bit cliché?" I asked.

"What is?"

"This whole makeover thing."

"Step one to feeling good is looking good. Yes... that's cliché but it's the truth."

His phone started ringing again. "Look who it is!" He flipped it open and answered, "Hello, darling! How are you?" He was smiling at me. "He's right here, we're getting the works." He pulled the phone away from his mouth and whispered, "It's your mother."

I sat up straight. "What? Why is she calling _you_?"

He hushed me and walked back toward the front of the salon, leaving me with Jared.

"It's best to just let him get his way," he said. "Trust me, it's much easier."

"I'm beginning to see that."

I spent the day and better part of the evening with Alec. He had someone come in and completely scrub my apartment from the floors to the ceilings. Just like me, 'the works' had been done to it. It smelled clean and fresh and it was hard not to feel a little happier in this place. Alec had replaced all my bedding and good portion of my wardrobe as well. As far as clichés went... this was the top.

"You have to promise me one thing," Alec said. He was standing across the sparkling clean kitchen counter. "You must leave this house every day. Even if it's just to go and grab a coffee, but it has to be done."

That was a lot to ask of me.

"Every day?"

"Edward, it's not that difficult. You have to start venturing out. You miss your children, don't you?"

"Understatement."

"Do you have a newspaper subscription? No? Okay, then, every morning you're going to walk down to the store on the corner and pick up a paper. Can you do that?"

I nodded.

"We're going to take this one step at a time."

**~*.*~**

So here I was, a few weeks after Alec had shown up on my doorstep, standing outside the door to the daycare where the children spent every other day until three o'clock. I had stuck to my promise to him. I went outside every day. I showered, got dressed and even ventured further than just the end of the street. I hadn't seen my wife or my children these past few weeks, only spoken with them. So when the phone rang while I was picking out apples, I was a little surprised her name came up on the caller ID. She never called me. I had to call her at scheduled times when it was convenient for her. She was in a bind though, and the fact that she was calling me meant she was desperate.

I felt like a stranger waiting outside the classroom door. I'd only been here once when we were interviewed for my daughter's admission. I was waiting for my own children and all of a sudden I was extremely nervous. How did this happen? I never thought I would be a stranger in their lives, and yet, that's what I had become. Up until this moment, I hadn't realized how much Alec had been right, and how much gratitude I owed him.

I glanced around at the other parents in the hall waiting alongside me. I was the only male, most I assumed were nannies with the occasional group of stay at home moms chatting to each other. A few were eyeing me suspiciously, wondering who I was. I made a casual move to flash the ring that was still affixed to my hand and a few of them turned back to their discussion. The door opened and we were invited in to collect our children. I desperately scanned the room looking for the familiar blonde head of hair of my daughter's.

"Mr. Cullen?" a young petite woman asked me and I nodded. "You're wife mentioned you'd be coming to pick up the children?" She looked me up and down and had a bit of a surprise on her face. I could only assume my wife had probably warned them I would show up looking less than desirable.

"Daddy!" my daughter screamed, running toward me and jumped into my arms. I threw her high in the air and she squealed in delight. I kissed her all over while she squirmed in my arms.

"I've missed you, squirt," I said. "You've grown. Your old man can barely lift you." I placed her on my hip and turned my attentions to another woman who was walking over with my son. He was asleep, his thumb tucked neatly into his mouth and he looked like he'd had an adventurous day with some finger-paints.

"Sorry, we had a little upset today." She handed me both their bags. "I'm afraid he had an accident in his first change of clothes, and then managed to get into the finger-paints the older children were using."

"It's no trouble," I said laughing. "He's always been a bit precocious." I put the bags on my shoulder and lifted Jack from her arms. The little guy didn't even stir. "Thank you," I said and started to turn from her. My arms were loaded down, but I didn't care. I wasn't letting go of either of them.

"Oh, Mr. Cullen," the woman called out to me, "I almost forgot." She moved to the front of the room. "Your wife wasn't sure if you'd have seats for the car, so she left these." She picked up two car seats my wife must have taken from her car. I felt my face turn pink at the insinuation, and could feel a little bit of anger mixed with shame, but it was short-lived. I deserved it.

"I can help you," she offered.

"If you could carry them to my car, that would be much appreciated. I've got seats already, but she'll need those back," I said.

"Of course." She grinned at me, with what I assumed was pride. "We don't have many fathers come during the day," she said. "And I have to be honest, from what your wife said... you're definitely not what we'd been expecting."

It was as I thought... but again... I deserved it. "I can only imagine," I said giving her a smile before heading out to my car.

"Are you coming home, Daddy?" my daughter asked as I set her down next to the car so I could fish in my pocket for the keys.

"We're going somewhere different." We'd tried to explain to her I didn't live at the house anymore, but it was too hard to reason with her sometimes.

I placed Jack in his seat, silently thanking my parents for making sure I had the seats and that they were properly installed. I struggled a little with the belt. I'd never placed him in one of these while he'd been sleeping. I didn't want him to wake up, I knew how his naps went. There was usually a lot of crying, like he was disappointed when his eyes opened. We'd always wondered what he dreamt about that was so good he'd want to keep sleeping.

Once the kids were safely buckled up, I patiently took my turn in the car line-up to get out of the school parking lot. I was still getting strange looks and all I could do was smile and nod. But it was odd how normal everything felt. How normal I felt.

I didn't take them to McDonald's. I took them home to my place, and I was going to make them dinner too. I didn't know how long I had with them, but I wasn't about to waste a second of it, and Jack desperately needed a bath.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked my daughter while I opened the door to their bedroom. Jack had woken up in the car, and a few screams later he'd quieted down enough to find the time to seem excited to see me.

He was still sucking his thumb while I held him in my arms. He had some dried up tears on his face, which only reminded me that I needed to get him cleaned up.

"Is this mine?" She jumped up on her pink bed and grabbed at the few dolls my mother had left for her.

"It sure is. Do you think you could find something to do in here while I get your brother cleaned up?"

"I want a bath too!" she yelled jumping on her bed.

I couldn't really deny her anything so I agreed. I ran the bath water and went to the kid's closet to pick out some clothes. It would have been logical to put them in their pajamas but it was still very early... they hadn't even eaten yet. My phone buzzed in my pocket, interrupting me from my dilemma.

"Hi," I answered.

"Where are you?"

"We're at my place."

"I thought I said just to take them somewhere and not to take them back there."

"Please, don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. They're fine. I'm fine... we're all fine. I'm just about to give them a bath. Jack had an accident at the school."

There was a long pause on the other end.

"Okay."

I was surprised to hear that come out of her mouth. She must really be in a predicament.

"I'm going to be later than I thought. Can you feed them?"

"I had every intention of doing so."

"Okay, I guess one night isn't going to kill them... right?"

I laughed. "I am capable. You'll see... I'm really trying here."

There was another long pause.

"Thank you." The phone disconnected.

I looked at Jack in my arms, nestled against my chest and back to my daughter still jumping on her bed.

"Pajamas it is!" I said and she cheered.

The bath and dinner went off without a hitch. It was getting close to the kid's bedtime and I figured I should probably get their teeth brushed and ready for bed. She was eyeing up all the new books on her bookshelf while I changed Jack's diaper.

"You want me to read one before bedtime?"

She bit her lip and slowly pulled one from the shelf.

"Where's mommy?" she asked. "Am I sleeping here?"

"I'm not sure, squirt. She's running a little late, but she's coming." My phone buzzed again.

"Hi, sorry," she said on the other line.

"It's okay."

"I'm still running behind. I'm going to be another hour."

I glanced around the room, and back to my daughter who was watching me. "They can stay here," I said quietly. "Then you don't have to worry about it. They're really okay. I was just about to read them a story."

More silence on the other end as she mulled it over. I could only imagine what was going on in her head. She was probably having visions that the children were sleeping in cardboard boxes while rats and cockroaches ran rampant in my apartment. "Listen, how about I put them to bed and when you're finished you swing by and see for yourself. If you want to take them home, you can. At least you won't have to be pressed for time."

"Okay," she said. I was about to disconnect when I heard her voice at the last second. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"I'm their father." It was my turn to disconnect on her.


	10. Chapter 10

**~*Chapter Ten*~**

**

* * *

**

I'd been expecting the knock on the door but it still startled me all the same. The kids had been down for almost two hours, and I'd been afraid to wake them with the sound of the television, so I chose to read a book instead. My stomach flip-flopped while I walked to the door, smoothing the wrinkles on my pants and trying to tame my hair. I put my hand on the door knob and paused for second taking a breath. Slowly, I opened it and whispered, "Hi."

She was standing in the doorway looking as frazzled as she usually did, only this time her mouth dropped open in shock at the sight of me. She gawked; taking a step back and quickly checked the door number.

I laughed. "Yes, it's me."

"You look... you look," she nodded her head, "together."

"Um... thank you?" I said opening the door wider so she could come in. The last time she had been here she lasted about five minutes, disgusted by the state of me and the smell of the apartment.

She was trying to hide the fact that she was snooping so I told her to take a look for herself. She protested, but I insisted. "Really, go ahead. I want you to see I'm capable."

She did a quick tour, peaking in cupboards and the fridge, and finally landing at the bedroom door. She quietly cracked open the door a little so the night light's glow lit up the hallway. The kids, our kids, were sound asleep. She went in to give them a kiss goodnight, making sure they didn't stir. She tiptoed out and met me in the kitchen.

"Can I get you a drink? Coffee? I have decaf."

"That would be nice," she said.

While I was making a pot, she sat on the bar stool at the counter and watched me not saying a word. When the coffee was ready, I poured two cups and joined her on the other barstool. The kitchen was spotless. I'd cleaned every inch of it after dinner, knowing she'd find any excuse to criticize.

"You look good," she said taking a sip. "Are you... okay?"

"I am. I'm getting there. With some help of course."

"Medication?"

"Not yet. We're going to see how I do with therapy first. It comes and goes but..." I looked in her eyes, "I'm really trying this time."

We sat in comfortable silence, the first time in many, many months. "They look good, happy," she said.

"We had a good time." The silence stretched between us.

"Work has asked me to go fulltime." She wasn't looking at me; she continued to sip her coffee.

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know. I mean I want to, they've offered me a good gig. It's what I always wanted to do since College."

"Then you should do it."

She finally lifted her eyes to me, searching out an answer. "I don't know, Edward." She pointed to the bedroom door. "They're still so young, and fulltime daycare... I don't know. It just doesn't seem right."

"Then let me take them... at least until I figure this all out."

"I don't know if that's a good idea. I want to trust you... it's just..."

She sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She was staring at her hands splayed out on the counter. I noticed her ring was gone and I couldn't help but touch mine in response. I'd never explained what happened in Chicago. As far as she was concerned, I'd had a breakdown, the pressure of my job taking its toll on me. At least that's what my parents had told her. I hadn't told her anything.

"Then trust me."

"I don't know."

"Let's do a trial run then, and if it doesn't work out we can pay for daycare. You should take the job."

"I heard you're going to be teaching piano?"

"I am. Just a few days a week, a couple of hours here and there. School kids and a few adults."

She cleared her throat. "That's good."

"It is," I said laughing. "Although I'm sure they aren't."

We sipped our coffee, and sat in silence some more. We'd become strangers, but there was no tension. For once we were both calm.

"Do you want to leave them here?" I asked.

"Is it too much trouble?"

"Not at all. I'll bring them over first thing in the morning."

"Okay." She slid off the stool and picked up her purse. "Do you need anything? Do you have breakfast stuff?" She started to ramble off instructions and things the kids would and wouldn't eat. I held up a hand to stop her.

"I think we'll manage."

"Right, sorry." It was starting to get awkward and before it escalated, she thanked me and spun on her heel out the door. I watched her car from the window, waiting for her to make it safely inside. She glanced up and gave me a small, hesitant wave.

I'd passed the first test. My kids were under my roof, fed, clean and safe and it was all because of Alec. I twisted the ring on my finger. I still hadn't taken it off. Letting that go, was going to present a new road I wasn't quite ready to go down just yet.

**~*.*~**

"I have a favor to ask…" Alec sang. I'd dropped the kids off and had met Alec for coffee. I told him what happened yesterday and after he'd told me how proud he was of me, he sprung this on me.

"What kind of favor?" I asked warily. "I don't like it when you ask things like that." We were sitting outside in the park. There was still a chill in the air, but at least it wasn't raining. He had about an hour before he had to be at the hotel and we were sitting on a bench passing time. I leaned back, throwing my leg over me knee, bracing myself for the favor.

"I need a date."

I choked on my coffee, spitting it all over my jeans. I definitely hadn't been expecting that. I tried to wipe it up, but was making a bigger mess than what it was.

"You're supposed to dab."

"I don't dab."

"Here let me." He made a move for my pants and I pushed myself to the end of the bench. I didn't exactly want him touching me.

"I got it."

"Oh relax, I'm not going to molest you." He moved closer. "Who knows, you might like it."

I gave him the eye.

"Still too soon?" He rolled his eyes. "You know, Edward, one of these days we're going to have to talk about what happened." I made a move to stand up, but he grabbed my arm. "Fine. But you owe me this favor."

I sat back against the bench, knowing I did owe him a favor and should at least hear him out.

"There's this ceremony I've been invited to and I need a date."

"What kind of ceremony?"

"A commitment ceremony."

"What? Isn't that like a wedding?" The look on my face must have been scandalous. He was inviting me to a wedding of sorts. "Hell, no. No way."

"I need you there. Please?"

Everything Alec did had an ulterior motive. I wasn't sure what it was this time.

"When is it?" I asked.

"Next weekend. My date fell through and I can't show up without my plus one. That would be gauche."

"What do I have to do?"

"Just keep me company."

"I don't know." I was actually whining a little bit. "I won't know anyone."

"I won't leave your side. And I promise we're not at a table with a bunch of flaming homos if that's what you're worried about. Good food, free booze, and you need a night out."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Fine. Do I have to wear a suit?"

"Of course."

"Just so you know, I'm not happy about this predicament you're throwing me into."

"Would I say the same thing to you if you asked me to accompany you to a wedding?"

"For one, I wouldn't ask you."

"I'm crushed." He pretended to wipe fake tears from his eyes.

"Hardly. And this is _not_ a date," I added. "Or any form of one."

"Puh-lease. You're not my type."

"I thought men were your type."

"Well yes, that's true. But well-adjusted men. You're an uptight, socially repressed, confused man who is far too young for me. You're also clearly in love with someone else. And I'm not talking about that wedding ring on your finger either."

Reflexively, I made a fist with my hand and started fiddling with the ring.

"You need to make a decision."

"I know."

"Is the marriage salvageable?"

"I don't know… maybe?"

"Do you want to salvage it?"

That was _the_ question. I was sure if I had worked at it, I could go back to my life. Chalk it up to a pre-mid life crisis. The question was did I want to?

"Okay, let me ask you this? Did the marriage end because you didn't love her?"

"No… I love her."

"Did it end because you knew you couldn't love her as a man should love his wife?"

I looked to the sky, shielding my eyes from the sun. I focused on a kite flying in the air. I followed the string down to the hands of a woman. She was laughing trying to pull at the string. A man standing behind her put his arms around her, guiding the kite with her. He nuzzled her neck and kissed her. It was such a stolen intimate moment. The string dropped from her hands and the kite flew off in the air. They were laughing while they chased after it, and finally gave up and returned to each other's arms.

"Honey, I have to run," Alec said bringing me back to the moment. "But I think you know the answer to my question whether you're ready to admit it or not. You can find that again." His head nodded in the direction of the couple. "It just may come in a slightly different package." He blew me a kiss and was gone leaving me alone with my thoughts and my coffee in the park.

**~*.*~**

Saturday arrived a lot sooner than I'd wanted it to. I woke up feeling anxious. The sunlight was streaming in through a crack in the curtains and it was shining directly into my eyes. I rolled over with a groan. _Well, that's a new development,_ I thought as I felt my cock against the mattress. _Huh._ I rolled back over and adjusted my tangled up boxers. For the past eight months, there'd been nothing, not even a stirring of any kind. I'd tried. Lord, I'd fucking tried, but nothing had ever gotten me as hard as I was right now. It was 6 a.m. and I'd woken up with a raging hard on. _Huh._

I threw the covers off and went to the bathroom to have a shower... no point in letting this go to waste. Maybe I needed a little release to get over my anxiety about today. I left the shower running for a bit, hoping the hot water would put my body at ease. Eight months was a long time. I'd gone longer without sex, but I'd always found ways to get off when I needed to. These past months I hadn't even had the familiar blue balls. This _was_ different. I was grinning like a fool, having thought I was broken for so long.

I let the water run down my back and over my chest and finally looked down. I was still hard. I smiled again at the revelation. Leaning one hand against the tile, I grabbed the soap with the other and ran it down the length of me. I'd almost forgotten what this felt like. Up and down, I moved my hand until I no longer needed the soap and it dropped in the tub with a bang. I was actually grunting while I continued to pump, reveling in the feel of my hand wrapped around my cock. With my eyes closed and my head thrown back, I was cursing at how good it felt. I was close, it wasn't going to take me long and all I kept thinking was _thank fuck_ I was working again. My skin was flushed under the stream of the water and my insides were on fire while the heat radiated from within. I was alive again and felt it coming from the base of my spine moving to my balls. For a split second I imagined his hand instead of mine. The shower... the water... the two of us coming together, gripped tightly to each other. One final grunt, I cried out, cursing him as I slammed my hand against the tile. "_Fuck you!"_ I yelled.

It was the first time I'd gotten off since I spent the night with him and he was still as present in my thoughts even eight months later. I felt better and worse all at once. I was pissed off that I had to think of him, but at the same time I was relieved to be back in business.

I wiped a spot on the mirror, looking at my reflection as I finished drying myself off. I was flushed and panting and my heart was beating rapidly in my chest. I wanted to be free of him and everything he represented. I could pretend I'd cleaned myself up. On the outside I was better, but inside...

"You're still a fucking mess, Cullen," I said and walked out of the bathroom.

It was early, so I threw on some sweats and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee. Staring at the drip, I couldn't help but wonder what today would be like. A small part of me had been imagining all kinds of stereotypical scenarios. From flamboyant drag queens to half-naked men catering the event, I was terrified by the idea. Alec had been calling me every day this week, checking to see how I was doing with the kids and to make sure I wasn't backing out on him. I did want to back out. I thought about calling him and telling him I couldn't go, but I'd made a promise to him and I didn't want to start breaking promises again. Besides, I desperately needed a night out, even if this wasn't exactly the kind of night I needed. It was still something outside of the four walls of my apartment.

I was enjoying my first cup of coffee of the morning, reading the paper when the phone rang.

"Oh, good. You're up. So I figured you can pick me up at two today. You're driving because I'm fairly sure I'll have a few too many mimosas. Don't forget to shave and wear the tie I picked out for you."

"I'm not shaving."

"Fine… I like the shadow. It's rugged. Oh! And don't forget to—"

"Alec, enough. I'm living up to my part of the bargain, all this other stuff is beyond the agreement."

He huffed into the phone. "Don't be late." He hung up on me. I set the handset back in the cradle when it rang again.

"Deal's off. I'm not going, Alec."

There was silence on the other end, but I could hear him breathing.

"Relax, I'm kidding. I'm going."

More silence.

"Alec?" The phone disconnected.

I looked at the caller ID and saw a Chicago area code. The phone dropped from my hand and crashed to the floor. It must have been minutes before I realized I was staring at nothing. My mind was reeling and I wasn't aware of my surroundings. This was all it took to unhinge me. Everything I'd worked at in the last few weeks was balancing dangerously close to the edge. All the questions raced through my head. What did he want? Why didn't he say something? What did this mean? And then more importantly… Did I want to talk to him?

I needed a drink. A stiff one.

My hands were shaking as I searched the cupboards for something to steady my nerves. I didn't care what it was or that it was so early, I just needed something. The only thing I found was Bourbon, kept on hand for the occasional visit from my dad. I poured three fingers worth and dropped it back like it was nothing new. It had burned going down, but it helped numb the pain that was building. I poured some into my coffee, and took a sip, this time I savoring it with the caffeine. Why was he calling? This was the only question running through my head. And then my practical side tried to convince me that it was the wrong number, that it could have been anyone. But deep down I knew it was him and the knowledge of this unsettled me.

A few hours later and I was still a mess. There was no way I could go anywhere today. I scrolled through my contacts, looking for Alec's number when I heard a knock on the door. My heart started racing again. For a tiny second I thought it was him… I wanted it to be him even though I knew there wasn't a possibility of that.

"Edward, open up," I heard Alec's voice through the door.

A sigh of relief swept over me and I walked to the door to let him in. He took one look at me and frowned.

"I can't go."

"Yes you can."

"I'm not going and what are you doing here, anyway? I was supposed to pick you up."

"I figured you'd get cold feet, so I thought I'd light a fire under that tight ass of yours."

He was dressed in full "Alec regalia." His suit was white linen with his turquoise pocket square in the pocket. He had on a bright yellow, button-down shirt underneath his jacket to set the color scheme. He was also wearing an ascot and I couldn't help but laugh. He was primped and primed and ready to go.

"An ascot? Really, Alec? You're wearing a fucking ascot? Where can you even buy one of those?" I turned and headed back to the couch. "You look like Mr. Furley."

"I told you it was a formal affair," he said flippantly, choosing to ignore my dig. "_You_ clearly need some work."

He eyed the empty bottle of Bourbon and I watched his shoulders set in disapproval. He turned back to me, his expression full of questions.

I wasn't drunk. There hadn't been enough Bourbon in there to get me to the state I wanted to be in, but I was definitely feeling good, and was still dressed in my sweats.

"You can't be that nervous about going today," he said. "Something's happened. What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Mmhmm. This," he waved his hand over my appearance, "is not nothing."

I sighed and sat down on the couch, slouching against the back. "I can't do this."

Alec sat precariously on the arm next to me. "I don't want to wrinkle the suit," he whispered then spoke in his regular voice again. "What can't you do?"

"Pretend to be someone I'm not."

If he was surprised by my answer, he didn't show it. He just nodded his head, like he was asking me to go on.

"He called."

This time he _was_ surprised by my words. He let out a big exhale and he was silent for a moment. "What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything. There was only silence on the line. I thought it was you when I answered and then there was nothing. He just hung up."

"Are you sure it was him?"

"It was a Chicago number… it was him."

"That explains the Bourbon. How much did you have?"

"Not enough."

"Well, we need to rectify that. I know a great place for that… open bar… music… hot m—"

"No."

"Edward," he said, trying to reason with me. "I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but you can't keep hiding under that rock pretending he doesn't exist. What happened between the two of you… happened. And trying to convince yourself otherwise is never the answer."

"I'm not pretending. _Nothing_ exists between the two of us."

"What did you mean 'you're tired of pretending to be someone you're not?'"

"I'm tired of him having this power over me. I don't want to numb these feelings, I want to be rid of them."

"Then you need to start talking. They aren't going anywhere if you stay in denial. And I'm not just talking about my nephew. I'm talking about the whole kit and caboodle." He waved his finger at me. "You need to accept who you are."

"And what's that? Gay?" I said laughing. "Sorry, Alec I just don't feel it." He continued to stare at me down the length of his nose, waiting for me to say something else. "I'm sorry!" I raised my hands. "I don't. Can't you just love the person?" I asked, because this was the confusing part. I'd never had feelings for anyone of the same sex, apart from Jasper. He was the only one and even now, after all that had happened, I didn't think I had any tendencies toward men. I couldn't be sure, but it wasn't like I had been lying in my bed and dreaming about having another man's mouth on my cock. There was only one mouth I imagined, and I tried my hardest not to have any imaginings of that nature. Eight months and there hadn't been an inkling of desire in any direction. Male or female. But now that I was sitting here talking about it with Alec, I wondered. Would I have feelings for another man? Or would it be a woman?

"Love?"

"You know what I meant," I dismissed him.

"Mmhmm." He nodded in understanding. "I suppose it could happen that way. Love the person not the sex. I've never really experienced it that way. I don't care how much I loved a woman… there's no way in hell you'd get me to go there. Nah-ah." He waved his finger. "I just don't work like that. But you… you may be different."

"It's just… why does everything have to have a label?"

"Is that what you're afraid of? Honey, gay is gay. It's not something to be ashamed of. White, black, straight, gay, Catholic, Jew. Everyone is defined by something. That'll never change. You can't fight it. It's been that way since the dawn of man."

He let me stew for a moment. "Look," he said, "I have no idea what's going through my nephew's head. We weren't exactly seeing eye to eye when I left Chicago. I'm just as surprised as you by his call." He sighed again. "We've not really been talking all that much."

"Is he okay?"

He looked down at me, trying to decide if he should be honest with me. He was scrutinizing my face. "Do you really want to know?" He waited for me to answer, so I nodded my head.

"Rip the Band-Aid off, right?"

"I suppose." He smiled and patted my arm. "He's fine… more than fine to the outside observer. He's doing great, never been happier he tells everyone. He's been on the opposite spectrum as you, acting as though life is grand and he's grand, but I saw through the charade, and he didn't appreciate it all that much."

"What do you mean?"

"He spends his days at work, and his nights at home trying to dote on that wife of his. It's like he's thrown himself into his life, all Stepford-Wife-like. Don't get me wrong, I love that little firecracker of his, and they love each other, anyone can see that. But it's not the kind of love you write songs or stories about. I suspect it's more like they're fantastic roommates. I know this, he knows it, and I think she does too. But they hide it well."

"So he's still married."

"Of course."

"Are they still trying to have a baby?"

"They are." He watched me with a careful eye. "They haven't found the right donor yet."

"Did he tell her about… you know…."

"That, I don't know. Like I said, we don't really see eye to eye too much anymore. I'm going to bet he hasn't, just like you haven't. Jasper's always been a tricky one. You—I think—wear your heart on your sleeve. I knew it the moment I met you. But Jasper... he buries it deep. You know it's there, but it's the rare person he lets see it. I think that has to do with his father. A military man I've been told."

"Yeah, he died when Jasper was young."

Alec nodded, knowing the story. "Jasper was the only one to accept me right away when our families merged. I've been around the block long enough to know, it wasn't out of the kindness of his heart either. He was curious what my life was about, and I held nothing back from him. I wasn't sure, he hides things very well, but he talked a lot about you. And when I saw the two of you that night at the hotel, well it wasn't hard to put two and two together."

I put my head in my hands and asked whispering, "Do you know what really happened?"

"No, but I think I can guess." He put his hand on my shoulder. "You took that next step."

"Yeah," I admitted. "We had a history... in College. But it ended before it even began. Did you know that?"

"No, but he was pretty torn up when you moved away, so I always wondered. No... that's not true. I always teased. He denied it of course, but I never believed him."

"Well, seeing him again, it was just too hard for me to ignore it. So I pushed him. I wanted it. I was lonely and miserable and he knew what to say to make me forget all that. It was awkward and scary," I chuckled thinking about how nervous we had both been, "but it was amazing. I was alive for the first time in a long time."

"And you think he didn't feel the same way?"

"You could say that. He had no intention of letting it go further than beyond that room. It was a means to an ends."

"Honey, wait, I'm confused. I know my boy, and I'm sure he was just as willing as you. I spoke to him later in the day, after I walked in on the two of you in the hot tub. He was confused, but happy. He told me things were going to 'work out.'"

I scoffed, and wasn't surprised by his words. "He would. That bastard had it all planned out. What I want to know is if his fucking wife knew what he was doing? I guess she didn't care as long as she got what she wanted."

"Hold up... what?" Alec was staring at me with a horrified look on his face. "What did he do?" he asked in shock. "Did he ask you to father his child?"

My voice cracked as I started to speak. "He was hoping I'd say yes… you know… after."

"So he sweetened the deal first?"

I sat back against the couch and nodded again. "He let me use him."

"I don't believe that for one second, Edward. Jasper loves you. So regardless for the reasons why he did what he did, for him to say it didn't mean anything other than a means to an ends… he was lying."

He stood up and started pacing the room. He mumbled every now and then and he looked angry... disgusted almost. I'd thrown him with my confession. All this time he thought he knew the story. I'd thrown my life away for Jasper and he fucked me over... twice. Now Alec knew just how deep the cut went.

"It doesn't matter anymore," I said.

He stopped pacing and stared at me. "Well, you're right about that." He tried to smile, despite the sadness in his eyes.

"Don't."

"Fine… no pity train from me. The past is the past. But that means you have to come with me today. I even promise to get you right liquored up if that's what you want. But no pity train means no more moping from you either."

"I don't know, Alec."

He sat down on the chair, wrinkles be damned and said, "Alright then, I'll stay and we'll talk some more about these 'feelings' of yours. We'll pop some popcorn, paint each other's nails and—"

"Fine!" I groaned and stood up. "I'll come, but no more talk of this. Deal?"

"Deal." He grinned and waved his hand indicating for me to go and get cleaned up.


	11. Chapter 11

**~*Chapter Eleven*~

* * *

**

"Be brave," Alec said as he squeezed my arm.

I was overwhelmed. That was all I kept saying to convince myself this feeling I was having wasn't a panic attack. I didn't know anyone here, but everyone knew Alec. The amount of comments and approving looks I'd received while I walked next to Alec one would think I was a prize heifer in the state fair.

We made the circuit. Alec waved and greeted everyone while we walked through the crowd. The guests were a mix of men and women, which I had to admit I was a bit surprised by. Everyone was dressed to the nines, just as Alec had said they would be, but thankfully he was the only one wearing an ascot.

We were in a little garden in the heart of the city. Large, thick hedges kept the world outside and an open tent held the bar and most of the guests. There was an area on the other side of the tent, which I assumed was the altar with a few scattered tables and chairs here and there. It was going to be a simple ceremony and I was somewhat envious. Mine had been a huge state of affair, I'd never wanted it but we it had anyway.

Alec grabbed two glasses of champagne, passing one to me. "See, this isn't so bad, is it?" He smiled and patted my arm. "Get a few of these in you," he clinked my glass with his, "and those shoulders will relax."

I leaned over and whispered, "Just remember... no dancing. At all. I don't dance."

"What do you mean, 'no dancing?'" He gasped, waving his ring-covered hand around before it settled on his ascot. "Edward, you're my date, and dates dance."

"This is not a date."

"Honey, you try telling that to all these people. They're expecting me to dance." He looked up at me over his glass. "And we will dance."

I felt the color drain from my face, and the panic started to build. I was fairly sure I'd broken out in a cold sweat and the designer tie was choking my airway. I was a good dancer. I'd been dragged to enough charity events with my parents to know how to dance. But I was not dancing with a man. I was drawing the proverbial 'I'm straight' line.

"Oh, relax, you big baby!" He slapped my arm and started to laugh. "I'm only kidding. Look around. Do you see anywhere set up for a dance floor? This is high class, baby. There'll be no 'Y.M.C.A.' here. You're off the hook... at least for tonight."

My face went from white to red in two seconds. I had to fake a laugh, to hide the tears of relief. I took a quick look around, and realized he was right. There was a little area set up as a stage and I saw a couple of acoustic guitars resting on two stools. But there was no area for dancing. _Thank fuck, _I thought while I swallowed the premium champagne.

"Drink up, sorta-straight boy," Alec said. "You're gonna need it."

"Not funny." I had a few more choice words for him, but I recognized a face walking toward us so I kept them to myself. I couldn't quite place him at first. He looked different than the other day. He was in a nice looking suit and a tie and he hadn't shaved in what looked like a few days. It changed his appearance, made him more rugged than I remembered. He was smiling at us, his hand in his pocket and the other holding a glass while he walked with purpose.

"It's about time you got here," the man from the hair salon said. "The bride's having a meltdown."

"Which one?" Alec asked.

"Does it matter? They're asking for you."

Alec did an exaggerated sigh, and mumbled something about brides and their wedding day. "Edward, I'm sorry. I'll be right back."

"Ah... Alec, you said you wouldn't leave me," I said under my breath.

"Go, he'll be fine with me. I'll keep him company," the man said. Alec gave me one last apologetic look before he turned his back on me and rushed through the garden gate. I took another deep sip of the champagne to hide my embarrassment.

"Jared, right?" I managed to say, holding out my hand.

He shook it with a solid grip and smiled. "You cleaned up nicely."

There was an awkward moment while I tried to think of small talk, something I was never good at. "So... you must come to these kinds of things a lot?" I asked and realized how lame I sounded.

He started to laugh. "Just because I own a hair salon, doesn't mean I'm gay, Edward."

"Oh, you're not? I'm sorry." My face flushed, and I took another sip while my ears burned. I was socially inept at the best of times.

He was still laughing. "I'm kidding. Yes, I am. But you'll find a lot of people who are here, aren't. Leah and Kim aren't exactly what you'd call your stereotypical lesbians."

_Lesbians?_ I gulped almost choking on my champagne. "Leah and Kim?" I asked confused.

"The... brides." He was looking at me with raised eyebrows.

"Oh!" I exclaimed as the realization hit me this was a commitment ceremony for two women, not two men. "I just assumed... when Alec asked me... sorry, I didn't know."

"Sorry," he said looking sheepish, "I'm just messing with you." He looked at my empty glass and said, "You look like you could use something a little stronger."

"Um... yeah, I believe I could." I smiled and followed him toward the bar. I was completely out of my element here, and I needed the liquid courage. I was at a gay wedding... for two women. Less than a year ago, I was in my comfortable home, with my somewhat comfortable job and my less than comfortable wife. Now I was in a top dollar suit, with a gay man almost twice my age at an event I never could have dreamed up, all the while questioning my sexuality. I let out a deep breath before giving the bartender my order... for a double.

"Breathing helps," Jared said. It wasn't malicious, it was almost kind with a hint of humor. "I take it this is something completely new for you?"

"You could say that." I sipped my whiskey a little too quick and choked. Naturally I waited for the jibe, but it never came. By instinct I called myself a 'pussy' in my head and the familiar pit in my stomach surfaced whenever I thought of him.

Jared gave me a curious look, but didn't press. "Well this is one of the bests to be introduced to the scene."

"Scene?"

"You know..." He nodded his head toward the guests.

"Oh, I'm not..."

"You never are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean no disrespect. I love Alec, and he seems to care about you. But why are you really here, Edward? Because it's not a favor to Alec."

"Yes it is."

"You can tell yourself that to make the pit in your stomach go away. But sooner or later it'll be back. Do you honestly think I grew up wanting this? I was the next All-American football star. My family couldn't have been prouder. At least not until I told them the truth. We haven't spoken since." He wasn't angry, his expression was light-hearted, sad almost. "We are who we are. Alec's like a father to me. He helped me through some tough times. So if you're hanging around him, I can only assume he's helping you figure some things out." He smiled at me over his glass.

I surveyed the scene. I was definitely an outsider here. Everyone knew each other very well, like they were family. It wasn't at all what I'd expected, but then again, I didn't know what I'd expected. This was Alec's not so subtle hint to let me know I could have a different life if I chose to. And he also wanted me to know it didn't look as bad as I thought.

"Listen, Jared," I said turning back to him, "I don't know what I'm going through right now. Alec seems to think he has it all figured out for me, but he doesn't. And being here isn't going to change that. I'm fucked up, there's no denying that." I tried to laugh it off, but he wasn't buying it. "Shit happened, and I'm trying to deal with it as best I can. But I've got a family to think about and he seems to forget that sometimes." I felt the color return to my cheeks and it spread to the back of my neck. I rubbed a hand over the scruff on my face. "It's not as simple as Alec is trying to make it seem."

"I get that." He shrugged. "You'll figure it out. Either way, having Alec on your side... well he's one helluva left tackle." He grinned showing his perfectly straight teeth, and I couldn't help but smile in return. "You hungry? Let's go check out the food. I'm starved." He patted his stomach and walked away from me. I followed him without thinking.

The food was delicious. I hadn't had anything this decadent in a long time. I'd been living on takeout and cereal for the last eight months, so the appetizer buffet was a welcome treat. They'd set it up as though it was a single man's dream. Mini gourmet grilled-cheese sandwiches with brie and apple. Small takeout boxes with tiny French fries smothered in brown sauce, cheese and pears, a modern twist on your every day poutine. There were noodles and something along the lines of fish tacos, everything I'd pretty much been eating out of containers for these past few months but turned up a few notches. I loaded up on everything I could get my hands on.

"Told you Kim and Leah weren't your typical lesbians." Jared gestured to my plate. I finished off my brisket slider, smiled and reached for another.

"Jared," a woman with long blonde hair and killer legs said. "We need to talk." She glanced at me and back to Jared. "Is that?" I heard her whisper.

Jared nodded, stopping her from saying anything else. "What?"

I had to admit, I was getting a little tired of the whispers from everyone who thought they knew who I was.

She took one last look at me, sizing me up and then said, "He's here," which completely got my attention. Who was 'he?'

Jared sighed, and set down his glass. "Where?"

"The back wall... someone saw his lens."

"Sorry, Edward. Apparently, I have to go take care of a bloodsucking leech. I'll be right back."

"Need some help?" I asked.

"Sure." He shrugged. We walked toward the back of the garden and he explained what was happening. Leah and Kim, apparently, were big names in the fashion industry. They'd explicitly told the press they didn't want any coverage of their wedding day. Leah was a photographer and said she'd provide a few shots for the magazines after the wedding was over. A slime by the name of Felix, wasn't playing by the rules.

"Felix!" Jared yelled. "I know you're there. Don't make me come out there and smash that camera of yours."

"Jared, come on, man. I'm just trying to make a living."

"Well go somewhere else and do it. This is a closed ceremony on private property."

"Just let me see what Kim is wearing. Everyone is dying to know what designer she went with. It's not every day a photographer marries their muse... well a lesbian muse anyway!"

Jared signaled to me to move to the side and walk along the hedge. I could see the telephoto lens through the thick brush and heard the clicking as the man snapped pictures of Jared.

"And you'll know in about twelve hours, just like the rest of the world."

"Fine, no picture, I just want to see... or just tell me."

"Hey, dickhead, maybe you didn't hear me the first time." Jared turned to me slightly, and the lens followed his move. "I'm not going to say it again. Leave."

The camera clicked and Jared nodded his head. I grabbed the lens and pulled it through the bush and out of the man's hands.

"Hey! You can't do that!"

"Well... I just did," I said laughing, holding up the camera.

"You'll get it back," Jared said. "After we take the card from it, and after the ceremony is over. You've got about five minutes before the cops show up, so I suggest you bolt."

"Fucking assholes!" he yelled.

"Paparazzi?" I asked with astonishment.

"Yeah... fucking animals. Never a moment's peace."

"I've never been around anything like this."

"That guy's pretty harmless, annoying mostly. Let's see what he got." He grabbed the camera from me and started to scroll through the pictures, deleting them as he went. He got to the end where Felix had been wildly snapping pictures and each frame was filled with Jared, except for one. It was of me and I was taken by surprise by it. I almost didn't recognize myself. I hadn't seen a picture of me in almost a year. I saw my reflection in the mirror every day, but that was different. The telephoto lens showed everything. I'd aged, but it wasn't a bad thing. There were a few stray strands of silver in my stubble and new lines around my eyes. I'd lost some weight, I'd known that, and my cheeks were a little more sunken in than I was used to. But I thought I looked good. I looked like an adult now... a grown man. Which I'd never felt I was before.

Jared caught me looking at the screen and said, "Told you, you cleaned up nice. Want me to delete it?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry," I said in shock. "Just haven't seen a recent picture of me in some time."

We were standing side by side, our heads leaning together and I realized just how close we were. I stepped back, coughing as an excuse to give us some distance.

"There you two are!" Alec said from across the garden. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Come on, it's about to start." He stopped short and put his hand on his hip. "What's happened? What's going on?"

I ran my hands through my hair in a gesture of awkwardness and let Jared do the talking.

"Felix," was all he said.

"Oh, dear Lord. That scum-sucking bastard never quits, does he?" He pointed to the camera. "That his?"

"Yup, and everything's erased."

"Fantastic, let's get this party started."

The three of us found some seats, and were joined by a few more of Jared's friends who were all friendly but definitely more _enthusiastic_than even Alec.

Jared leaned close to me, so that are shoulders were touching and whispered, "We're not all like that." He smiled and I realized he was flirting with me.

My stomach did a flip and I was extremely uncomfortable again. I cleared my throat and asked where the washroom was. Alec noticed the tension and the flush on my cheeks and gave me the 'everything okay?' look.

"You can't go now, honey," he placed a hand on my thigh, stopping me from leaving my seat, "you'll miss everything. Hold it in," he said. His words had a double meaning as he eyed me over his glass of champagne. 'Breathe,' he mouthed.

I needed to get a grip. _Relax, Cullen_,_ he's not flirting with you._ He'd been nothing but nice to me and I was being paranoid.

The ceremony was simple and the 'brides' really were beautiful women. Both dressed in white, but one wore a gown, while the other was in a very form-fitting suit. It was odd to watch them declare their love for each other, but not in strange way... more in that I'd forgotten what that felt like. You could tell without a doubt how much they loved one another. And when it came to the kissing part, everyone cheered and clapped... even me.

The sun had set, and the music had started. Twinkle lights had been set up all around the garden and people were mingling. I'd followed Alec around, listening to him talk and gossip with most of the guests. I was getting restless and searched out the washroom to get away from being Alec's pretty-boy sidekick.

The foyer of the building next to the garden was tastefully decorated. Along the far wall there was a table set up which held red velvet cupcakes. They looked as though they were of the _Magnolia Bakery_ variety. Their sweet scent filled the room. There were black and white photos hanging around the room and when I moved to take a closer look, I realized they were intimate candid shots of Leah and Kim from the years they'd been together. Private, stolen moments of happiness.

"I hear we are to thank you," I heard a woman's voice behind me and turned to find one of the brides standing in the doorway. She was smiling, holding two glasses of champagne in her hands. She offered one to me. "I'm Leah."

"Thank you," I said grabbing the glass. "Edward."

"I know who you are," she said.

"Does _everyone_ know who I am?" I wondered just how _much_ they knew.

"There's no secrets amongst most of us, and Alec is a dear friend."

I took a sip of the champagne trying to think of something to say, and hated that I was back in the small-talk predicament again. "The ceremony was beautiful... you... er... look beautiful."

"Thank you, but I'm what you'd call the hag," she pointed to Kim out in the garden who was wearing the designer gown, "she's the beautiful one."

I nodded in agreement not sure what else to say.

"Thank you for taking care of Felix, that blood-sucking leech."

"That's what Jared called him."

"'Cause that's what he is. He follows her around everywhere. He's a pain in my ass, and we want to thank you for helping out."

"It was no big deal."

"Well, to me it was. Alec tells me you have two beautiful little ones."

"Yes," I nodded, "a boy and a girl."

"Why don't you bring them around to my studio sometime and I'll take some pictures of them."

"Oh, really, that's not necessary."

"Please, Edward, as a favor to me. You helped keep my wife sane on the wedding day she always wanted to have. Say yes."

"Okay, yes. Thank you."

"My pleasure. If they have any of your genes, the camera will love them. Call my assistant, and we'll work it out." She looked out in the crowd for someone. "Heidi! Come here a second." The leggy blonde from earlier joined us. "Give Edward my card. He's going to call and set up a session with you." Leah gave me one last smile and headed back to the crowd.

Heidi dug in her purse for a card and held it out to me. "She doesn't do this for everyone," she said with an edge to her voice. "You must be someone special." She rolled her tongue along her bottom lip in a seductive move. I wasn't that out of practice not to notice. She was beautiful, probably a former model. She was wearing a tight little dress that ended high on her thighs, and with her heels, she was almost eye-level with me. She smelled amazing too.

She moved one step closer, naturally I took one step back. This continued until I was up against the wall with nowhere else to go. She placed the card under my chin and dragged it along my scruff. I was fairly sure I wasn't turned on, my heart was racing more because of fear than anything else. This chick terrified me. I reached up to take the card, hoping my arm would put some distance between us.

"How tight is that wedding band?" she asked.

"Ah... what?" I glanced down and caught the shine of my ring. "Oh. Tight," I lied.

"That's not what I hear."

"Ah, yeah. Still married," I said waving my hand at her. "Sorry." I shrugged my shoulders and moved to the side.

"Heidi!" Jared said from the doorway. "Get your claws away from him. Leave him alone."

"Fuck you, Jared. There's no sign on him. And you're deluding yourself if you think he's going anywhere near your dick." She laughed at us, a cruel laugh, and turned toward the door. "My number's on that card too. Call me, and I'll take your mind off of _a lot_ of things better than he ever will."

I was going to throw up.

"Sorry about that," Jared said, from the door. "She's really not that bad. She's just a little drunk. She's worked hard for this day... and just letting off some steam."

"Wow," I managed to say. "She was..."

"Scary?"

"Yeah."

"Well... that she is. She's a bitch with a capital 'B' but she's good at her job."

"So does everyone know who I am?"

"No... but people assume. You were at my salon with Alec... and now you're here. Gossip runs wild."

I was having a hard time swallowing and I wanted to rip off my tie. But I figured I didn't need the frazzled look to perpetuate the rumors. I was sweating though... everywhere on my body was flushed. This had been what I'd been afraid of since I agreed to come with Alec. Panic. Sheer panic that I wasn't prepared to deal with yet.

"I heard Leah wants you to come for a session," he said noticing my anxiety. "She never shoots kids. That's impressive."

"So why would she do it, then?"

He shrugged, he was big on the shrugging. "Who knows with her... she's like Alec, you never question their motives." He strolled around the room looking at the pictures and laughed at the occasional one. When he got to the cupcake table, he picked one up and said, "I don't know what it is with those two and these cupcakes." He wrinkled his nose and put it back down. "So...how you holding up?"

"Um... okay, now." I was a little more in control now. My stomach had stopped turning. "I think I've had too much champagne." I held up the full glass. "I'm more of a beer man."

"Yeah, me too."

"Did Alec send you to find me?" I asked, and he just smiled in return. "So I take it you were given the task of babysitting me tonight."

"Guilty." His cheeks flushed and he looked down at his feet. "But I wouldn't say it's been a difficult job. I like you, Edward." He saw the look of shock return on my face and clarified what he meant. "Not like that. Not like what Heidi was implying. It's nice to talk with someone without a hidden agenda and knows the rules of football."

He _was_ easy to talk with. It was different from my friends, but definitely not as painful as the guys from work. There was a middle ground with us. We'd talked of music, bands we'd seen and even operas we were both partial to. I really looked at him for the first time this evening. He was about the same height as me, and it was easy to see he kept himself in shape. Everything about him was dark. His hair, skin, his eyes, I wondered what his background was. There was no denying I looked at him differently because he was gay. And there was no denying that throughout the night there were times I was uncomfortable with him. Apart from Alec, he was the first gay man I'd spent any time with. It was an odd evening, but I still found myself laughing with this stranger, something I hadn't done in a very long time.

"I-I should go find Alec," I said.

"Of course."

The evening wore on, and I didn't see Jared again. Even though I'd come with the intention of having a lot of drinks, I really hadn't. I wasn't drunk, and this morning's phone call seemed like it never happened. I'd enjoyed myself and eventually relaxed enough to let my shoulders sag. Alec—on the other hand—had relaxed entirely too much. Everyone assured me this was a natural occurrence when it came to Alec and weddings. It took a few of us to get him to my car. He really didn't want to leave, but I was tired and he was getting louder than his usual volume. I'd said my goodbyes and thanked everyone for an enjoyable evening. I was walking back to the car where Alec was waiting, or perhaps sleeping by now, and heard some footsteps behind me.

"Edward," Jared called out. I stopped and waited for him to catch up. "Listen, I'm not trying to push you or make you uncomfortable, but I had a nice time hanging out with you tonight. If you ever get the courage to take the next step, call me." He held out his hand for me to shake. "Maybe we can grab a beer, watch a football game or something."

"Ah... thanks, Jared," I said, giving his hand a firm shake. "I'll think about it?" My voice was a little higher than normal.

He laughed. "Okay, I can live with that. Thanks again for the help earlier." He leaned around me and pointed to a sleeping Alec. "Good luck getting him home. Go easy on him. The whole weddings and love business strikes a deep chord with him."

"I'm beginning to see that."

It was a strange feeling coming home so late to an empty, dark apartment. It was the first time I'd done it since living here. It really hammered home just how alone I was. I threw my keys on the side table, and finally loosened my tie and undid the top button of my shirt. My wedding ring caught in the light and I paused staring down at it. Not so tight. I don't think my wife and I had ever been as happy as those two tonight. Maybe we married each other out of convenience, maybe not. Whatever it was, I was fairly certain it was over. I twisted it around my finger, and it was looser than I remember. We couldn't go back, or more realistically, I couldn't go back.

I saw the blinking red light on my machine and pushed to hear the messages. Two hang ups. I didn't need to see the caller ID to know who they were from.


	12. Chapter 12

**~*Chapter Twelve*~**

**

* * *

**

The next few weeks were challenging but satisfying. I had the kids on the odd days they weren't in daycare, and I picked them up the days they were. I found out I was pretty good at being their primary caretaker. I had missed so much of their lives while I'd been working, it was gratifying to have this opportunity to catch up. The arrangement was working out nicely, and I could see the strain in my relationship with my wife was starting to ease up. We'd become friends again.

"How are things?" she asked while we sat in my kitchen over coffee. She glanced down to my hand and the missing ring on my finger. I tried to hide it, but just drew more attention to it. I'd taken it off the morning after the wedding. It was a lie to be wearing it, and I figured it was the first step I needed to take to stop lying to myself.

"Sorry," I said.

"Don't be. I was wondering when you were going to take it off. It's been almost a year, Edward."

"I'm just having a hard time still."

"I have something to confess," she said and sipped her coffee. The kids were sound asleep in their bedroom having their afternoon nap. She glanced to the room and then back to me. "I'm seeing someone." It was straight forward and to the point. But then, that's how she was. She never held anything back, and even though there was an edge to her voice I knew it was hard for her to tell me this and it was hard for me to hear. The news went straight to my gut, and I had a hard time swallowing my coffee.

"I've been seeing him for a few weeks now," she added. "And I just thought you should know before it starts to get serious."

"Could it be serious?" I managed to ask. "I mean... do you have those kinds of feelings for him?"

"He's asked me to go away with him this weekend."

"Oh! So... that kind of serious."

"I don't know. I like him and he's really good to me. I think it could go somewhere. It didn't feel right not telling you." Another shot straight to the gut. She was being honest with me, and I'd been anything but with her.

"Are you going to go?"

"I wanted to run it past you and ask you what you think," she said.

"I can't make that decision for you," I said. "I shouldn't be—"

"I know that, but I wanted to ask you all the same. I haven't slept with him, if you're wondering." Which I was, even though I didn't have the right to. It had been so long since we'd shared a bed—and not just to sleep in one either—not since before Jack was born. But it still hurt. I couldn't be the man she needed me to be and that was hard to swallow. All this time I thought she was the one pushing me away, but there had to be a reason why she had, and maybe deep down we both knew the reason for our disconnect.

"I guess I've been waiting..." she said, "until I knew for sure." She clenched her hands and paused for a moment. "We're through, aren't we, Edward? There's no going back, is there?"

I thought long and hard before I answered her. I stared at the indent that was left behind from the ring. It had been weeks since I'd removed it, but the indent still held. I wondered when it would completely fade... maybe I really needed to let go for that to happen. I wanted her to be happy, and she could never be happy with me as fucked up as I am.

"Yeah. We can't go back," I said truthfully.

"Would you be upset if I went?"

"Yeah," I said laughing. And it was the truth. It hurt, but I deserved it. "But you should go. I've got no plans this weekend. The kids can stay here. You deserve this. Go, get out of town and have a good time."

We talked some more about her plans for the weekend, and worked out the details with the kids. We were on our second cup of coffee when she took hold of my hand. She smiled, but it fell short of her eyes. "What's going on, Edward?"

"What do you want to know?" I asked trying to deflect the guilt I was feeling.

"I don't know... anything. Tell me what you've been up to. Just don't shut me out."

"There's nothing to tell, really," I lied. "My life's pretty boring."

She sat back in her chair and folded her arms, eyeing me suspiciously. "Okay...What about Leah Clearwater and Kim Connweller's wedding?" she asked. "What were you doing there?"

My stomach dropped again. "How did you know that?" I hadn't even told my parents I was there, so how she'd found out was a mystery to me.

She reached into her bag and pulled out a local, city gossip magazine. It was a small publication that not many people picked up, strictly meant for advertising and such. She flipped it open and smoothed down the crease. Right there, on page twelve was a picture of me and Jared standing side by side in the back garden at the ceremony. Jared was holding Felix's camera in his hand.

'_Adam and Adam and Eve and Eve – The New Garden of Eden'_ was the by-line. The article was fairly short, reporting on the commitment ceremony and focused on how the event was filled with the high-fashioned, beautiful gays of the city in attendance and how it was closed to the media and that was the only picture that had been taken of the event.

I felt sick.

"High-fashioned?" she said. "You?" She was trying to make light of the situation, but I knew she was expecting me to answer some more serious questions.

I was going to throw up.

"Edward," she said, putting her hand on my arm. "Talk to me. Please don't shut me out anymore. Just tell me what's going on."

This was the moment of truth. I could finally come clean and confess or continue living the lie.

"What really happened in Chicago?" she asked, and that was all it took. She saw through the façade.

I told her the truth, well the half-truth any way. I didn't think it was necessary to tell her about the adultery part, because after all, that's what it was and I wanted to spare her from that pain. It wouldn't change anything if she knew that truth or not. I told her that Jasper and I confessed our attraction to each other and how we both reacted after we'd given it some thought. I stretched the truth a little and told her Jasper had confessed his attraction to me as a means to get what he wanted. And I also told her how I'd hated myself and how I'd hated him. It all came out in a jumbled mess, but it was out there now.

I think a part of her always knew, which was why she was so bent out of shape at the idea of me heading to Chicago in the first place. She'd always been jealous of Jasper and now I'd just confirmed her suspicions.

I saw the anger in her eyes. I'd seen that look countless times before. The tears started to form and before they fell she excused herself and went to the bathroom. I could hear the water running, although it did nothing to drown out her sobs. I really was a dick, but the truth was out there and even though it was shitty timing, I actually felt a little better that she finally knew. However, the relief was short-lived. The longer she stayed in the bathroom the quicker the anxiety came back. She had the power to take my kids away from me. After the year I'd been through, it was highly unlikely custody would be given to an unemployed depressed father... not to mention the other stuff that would possibly come into factor. _Fuck._.. _what was I thinking? _My father had suggested the possibility of consulting a lawyer, just to see what my options would be, but I was adamantly against that. Now I was berating myself for not listening to him.

Time ticked away while I waited for her to come out. I'd take a few steps toward the bathroom door, and then I'd take two steps back. I even made it close enough to raise my hand to knock, but dropped it with a defeated sigh. She needed time to digest. Thirty minutes later, I was back to sitting on my stool in the kitchen when I heard the lock turn and the door open. My back was to her and I'd pretty much stopped breathing. I was waiting for her to scream, yell, throw things, and I would let her. Whatever she wanted to do to me, I'd let her.

I heard the tread of her footsteps across the linoleum, but stayed seated, the coward that I was. She placed a hand on my shoulder and I flinched from the unexpected touch. Even when she squeezed my shoulder, digging her nails into my flesh, I didn't move.

"I'm sorry," I said under my breath. It was about the only thing I could say. "The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you and the kids." Her hand let up, and she moved to the side so she could see my face. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her face was pale, but she wasn't angry.

"Do you regret it?" she asked. "Me?"

"Oh, God, no!" I said and reached for her hand. "Despite what you may think, I do love you. I really do, and our kids? Nothing would ever change what they mean to me." I pulled her hand toward me and rested it in my other hand. "I was happy," I said honestly.

"And now?"

"I'm getting there."

"So... you're gay?"

I sat back in my chair, letting her hand go and thought about my answer. "I guess I'm trying to figure things out. I've only had those feelings for Jasper... no one else. So I'm not sure how it works. How I work."

"Then you need to figure it out. For our kid's sake. Get it together, Edward. I know you're trying, but you're not the man I married anymore, or the man I wanted as a father for my children. They need _that_ man, not this indecisive, lost shell of one you've become."

_Ouch._ This was more like what I'd been expecting from her. Her words were harsh, but something I needed to hear. She was being a lot more understanding than I would have given her credit for. I guess she knew how difficult this was for me and how much it had wrecked me.

"You can't keep yourself locked up in this apartment waiting for someone who's never going to come around. Believe me... I should know! I waited for you for a year, and now it looks like you've been doing the same. It's a false hope. It's time to let him go."

"So you're saying you've let me go?"

"I had to." She sat down on the stool opposite me, and demanded I look at her. "Figure it out." The anger had returned, but she kept it in check.

"You're... surprisingly okay with all of this."

"Despite what _you_ may think... I love you. You're a good man, Edward. I lost sight of that for a while. But I know why I married you and I still want to be proud to have you as the father of my children." My mouth must have dropped open for she added, "I'm not a monster! Don't look so surprised. It's been awhile, but I'm finally happy too." She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms.

When I breathed it was lighter somehow. A heavy burden had been lifted. We were talking as friends. I'd told the truth and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. I'd imagined all kinds of scenarios... screaming, crying, cursing, objects flying. I'd imagined it all except for this. I guess both of us had grown up.

"_Daddy!"_ we heard from the bedroom and went to investigate. The room was a disaster. My daughter had managed to pull everything from the shelves and scatter it all around the room. We must have been too wrapped up in our conversation to hear the kids had woken up and were slowly destroying the room.

"What did you do?" my wife asked with a horrified look.

"It's fine," I said. "I need something to do tonight."

"You need to get a life." She patted me on the chest and picked up Jack out of his crib. "I should get them home," she said trying to soothe him. She turned to me and hitched him on her hip. She reached out and touched my cheek. "Thank you," she said. "For being honest. I can't imagine it was easy for you. And I want you to know I'm on your side. I want you in their lives and in mine. We can get through this." She leaned forward and kissed me and for a moment I thought about holding her in my arms and never letting her go. This was the woman I married, but she was right. I was no longer the man she married.

"You know, I've got this photo shoot session with Leah," I said smiling.

"With Leah Clearwater?" Her eyes bugged out. "How?"

"I helped her out at the wedding, and she asked me to bring the kids around for a session."

"Holy shit!" she said, and covered her mouth from the curse word she accidentally let fly. "That's amazing!"

"Do you want to come?"

"Yes!" She was genuinely excited I'd asked her. "Yes, I'd love to."

"All right. I'll call and set something up."

**~*.*~**

The sun was shining and it matched my mood. I'd woken up with a spring in my step and decided to go for a run. It was just what I needed to start my day. It wasn't often I woke up feeling this way, and I knew it had everything to do with our talk yesterday. I hadn't realized how much that secret had been weighing me down. I was feeling a little invincible, despite the horror I still felt for having my picture in the paper.

I was on my way to meet Alec for breakfast. I hadn't seen him much these past few weeks and I was looking forward to seeing him again.

"Well don't you look different," he said when I sat down at the table. He rested his chin on his hand, eyeing me up. "Did you get laid?" he teased.

"What?" I sort of screeched. "NO!"

"Well something's changed, Honey." He beamed. "You look great."

"I feel great."

"Tell me everything."

We talked through breakfast and once I was finished, he sat back looking pleased with himself.

"What?" I asked.

"That went better than you expected. Better than I expected," he said.

"What's that supposed to mean? What did you do?"

"I didn't _do _anything. But I might have had a few talks with your mom... who may or may not have had a few talks with—"

"I can't believe you! I swear. Fuck, I really should hit you one of these days. What part of 'stay the fuck out of my life' did you not understand?" I was leaning forward and my jaw was set.

"Oh, relax. You're being over-dramatic. Everything worked out as it should have. Believe me... you needed some help with her. She needed time to digest."

"But what if it hadn't worked out? What if she decided to take the kids away from me? It could have gone horribly wrong! Did you think of that?"

"Of course we did. We looked at all the possibilities and the one we came up with was the best." We glared across the table at one another. "Don't give me that look! It was your mother who suggested it! By the way... now your dad," he waved a finger at me, "now he's my type. If I didn't love your mother so much..."

"Alec!" I said, and shuddered.

"I'm just sayin', I see where you got your looks. It's a shame gay didn't run in the family."

I rolled my eyes. "Stop, please. I'm begging you." I shuddered again at the idea of my father with a man... namely Alec. "When the hell did you see them anyway and why wasn't I invited?"

"They invited me to lunch a week ago." He shrugged, sipping his coffee. "We had _things_ to discuss."

"And these _things _were how to meddle in my life? And risk the fragile relationship I already had with my wife?"

"She needed a little nudge that's all... and we might have done that," he said. "Gently, I might add."

"Did this nudge involve that publication?"

"What?" He feigned surprise. "Now why ever would you say that?"

"It's not exactly a publication we subscribed to," I said. "She had to get it somehow."

"Fate."

"Mmhmm. You really are a prick."

"I'll take that as a compliment." He smiled. "So... any word from you know who?"

"Nope. But the hang-ups have become a daily ritual. You better not be fucking around with that. I mean it, Alec. Stay the fuck out of that one."

He held up his hands in defense. "He won't even talk to me, so I couldn't even if I wanted to. He's gone off the radar. But for the record... are you sure you aren't over-reacting just a little bit?"

"He made it clear. He had no intention of taking it further. He used me."

"And you didn't use him?"

"What? No! I loved him." People around the café looked up from their coffees. I realized I wasn't exactly speaking in a quiet voice, and leaned forward and whispered, "I was ready to see where it was going to go. I wanted to."

"So you would have left your wife." He looked at me in disbelief.

"I did, didn't I?"

"Noooo. Not by choice, Sweetheart. Look, I'm not defending my nephew. All I am saying is cut him some slack. You don't know his side of the story. I'm trying to be the voice of reason."

"Well, he didn't exactly call to tell me his side, did he? All those months and not a fucking peep."

"But he is now, isn't he?"

"Fuck you, Alec."

"Testy, testy." He shook his head. "Let's look at this another way. Say he's reaching out to you. What if he wants to talk, would you?"

I didn't answer him right away. I took the time to pour the cream into my coffee and stir it more than it needed to be stirred. He waited for me, one eyebrow crooked, but after the fifteenth turn of the spoon he leaned over the table and stopped my hand. "He's not doing as well as everyone thinks he is. I know you don't want to hear it, but he's hurting too and not for the reasons you think."

"I thought you said you haven't talked to him."

"I haven't, but I know my boy. He's not himself."

"Alec," I said sighing, "we can't go back to what we were."

"Absolutely, Honey. I agree." He patted my hand. "But he's reaching out to you now, don't you want to know why?"

"I don't know. I can't help thinking it's too late, you know?"

"Maybe it is. But you ain't exactly moving forward either. You've got part of your life together, but what about the other? You're still lonely, Edward. And that's been going on for years. If what happened was a mistake and not meant to be, then stop waiting. Move on. From what you've told me, you've loved two people in your life... and neither of them were the right one—at least according to you. So go find the right one."

"What about you, Alec? That's a lot of preaching for someone who doesn't follow his own advice."

He looked out the window, and the lines around his eyes softened. "I had my great love, but he died."

I wasn't expecting that to come out of his mouth and I felt like a heel. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. How long ago?"

"S'okay. You wouldn't. It was nine years ago, right around the time I met Jasper." He was lost in thought for a few moments. "I'm a firm believer in love... great loves. They don't happen to everyone. I was one of the lucky ones." There were tears in his eyes when he turned back to me. "You shouldn't stop looking for it."

Jasper had said the same thing to me.

**~*.*~**

I threw my keys on the side table, noticing the red flashing button on the machine letting me know there were two messages waiting. I pushed play and reached for a beer in the fridge. The beep was followed by a long pause and then a hang up. Typical. I twisted the cap off the beer and took a sip waiting for the next message. Another beep, followed by another pause. My hand hovered over the delete button waiting for the hang up when I heard a voice instead.

"Hi," it said. There was a long pause. "I'm sure you don't want to hear from me. I keep hanging up. I-I... I haven't known what to say." His voice was sad and quiet but quickly turned to frustration. I could imagine him with his hand on his head, his fingers tearing at his hair. "I-I don't know why I'm calling. Fuck! I'm sorry," Jasper said and hung up.

I picked up the phone, trying to remember the number from memory as I dialed. I heard the rings on the other end and it was picked up on the fourth.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Edward."

"Oh, hey! It's good to hear from you, man. What have you been up to?"

"Not much, just trying to get my life back together... you know," I said laughing.

"So the usual, then."

"Yeah, pretty much." I paused and took a deep breath. "Hey, listen... I wanted to know if your offer still stands. You know, beers? A game?"

"Ah, yeah!" Jared said enthusiastically. "Yeah, for sure. I'm up for beers. When's a good time?"

"Umm... how about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow's good. Why don't you meet me at the salon at eight and we'll go from there?"

"Great. See you then." I hung up the phone, and collapsed into a chair. My hands were shaking. I didn't know what had come over me to get that kind of courage, but hearing Jasper's voice had pissed me off. After my talk with Alec, I wanted to be over him. I didn't want the sound of his voice to undo me, and I didn't want my answering machine filled with hang-ups every day because he was too much of a coward to talk to me. I needed to move on, just like my wife had said. I needed to make a decision about my life and take a chance. I wasn't going to figure things out sitting in my apartment, night after night. I owed it to myself and my family to be truthful with whom I might be, and the only way to find out was to get out there and experience life again.

"Fuck you, asshole," I said out loud and took my beer into the living room for another lonely night in front of the television.

**~*.*~**

Jared took me to a bar around the corner from his salon. I'd never been here, but I got the feeling it wasn't a bar I would normally have visited a year ago. There was a definite vibe to it that seemed to fit his persona rather than mine. There were small tables around the center of the room, and along the walls were booths made to fit more people. The bar and the bartenders seemed to hold most of the patron's attentions. It was packed with people sitting or standing and there was a buzz in the air. We found a booth, and sat down and ordered a pitcher of beer from the server.

There was a hockey game on tonight and I was hoping we'd head to a pub to watch it. It would have been a good conversation breaker, but this place had no televisions at least from what I could see. I looked around the room, hoping to be wrong, but I wasn't.

"No game?" I asked.

He sucked in a breath and apologized. "We can go somewhere else if you want."

"No, it's okay."

"I didn't even think. I'm starved and their food is pretty decent. I come here after work some times. But I think there's a pub down the block that will have the game on."

"No, it's fine, really." I was playing with the beer coaster, a nervous habit, and had started to peel the edge of it.

"You sure?" he asked, glancing down at my hands. I set them flat on the table and saw the sweaty palm print that was left behind. I took a big sip of my beer and then set my hands in my lap, wiping them on my pants.

"Who's your friend, Jared?" A man sat down in the booth pushing Jared over. His arm was resting against the back of the seat and he was staring at me. He was thin with sallow skin, like he had an addiction problem, and his hair was shorn real close to his head.

"Leave it alone, Paul," Jared said, his face a mask of anger.

"What? I'm just curious," he said, leaning forward to get a better look at me. "Are you his new toy?"

"He's just a friend," Jared said.

"Hmm... that's what you said to me on our first date, but you still managed to fuck me senseless that night."

"Paul!" Jared yelled, pushing him out of the seat.

"Fine. All right, I'm going." Paul turned to me and said, "He's a good fuck, but a little too straight-laced if you ask me. If you're looking for something," his eyes roamed down the length of me, "a little more adventurous... Paul's always here to help out." He blew us a kiss and headed back to the bar.

"That's twice now someone has told me they're a better fuck than you," I said, breaking the tension. Jared choked, surprised by my brazen comment and so was I. "Friend of yours?"

"Ah... no. He's what you'd call the resident slut." Jared cleared his throat. "When you're young, it's hard to navigate your way. Sometimes you get led astray and Paul was that for me—a long time ago. You get curious and you get horny. Being on drugs doesn't help that either."

My eyes widened, having lost all my earlier confidence. Again, I was out of my element here.

"It comes with the territory, Edward," he said. "Everyone's more or less tried it. You go through a phase. It makes things easier sometimes. But then you wake up that one morning not knowing where you are or who you're with and you kind of snap out of it. Well at least I did, with the help of Alec. Others like Paul never will, at least not until they're dead or worse... sick."

I knew what sick implied.

"We can go somewhere else if you want," he said. "I didn't even think when I thought of this place."

"No, it's really fine. I'm okay if you're okay. Besides, I doubt it can get any more uncomfortable than it already has."

"True..."

We ordered some food and he was right, it was pretty decent. The conversation was a lot easier after all the shit was out of the way and the beer helped. I relaxed enough to take my leather jacket off, and to sit back in the booth. Jared was an interesting guy.

"So what happened to the football gig?" I asked.

"You know... the usual. Scholarship, promise of a future and then one bad tackle and I blew my knee out. And that was it. Never played again." He looked at the bar, and I knew he was thinking of something beyond this table. He lifted his beer glass looking in the bottom of it. "It was a bad time for me and my family. I was going through a lot of shit, not just the knee, but everything else. I'd been keeping my secret for so long. I had a girlfriend in college, but I was playing both sides. When I got hurt, she left and I went into a tailspin. Drugs, alcohol, random sex with strangers... the clubs, the bath houses... you name it I tried it. I think that's what caused the rift with my family, not that I was gay, but that I was destroying myself in the process. You see Paul over there?" He pointed to the bar. "That was me about ten years ago, but worse. I was lucky Alec found me when he did. He straightened me out... pardon the pun. He put me in rehab and gave me a career and I've never looked back." He drank the last of his beer. "It's not an easy road, Edward. I've been spit on, beaten up, people have turned their backs on me, and I can't count the number of insults I've heard. But you've got some great people on your side."

I finished off my beer, placing my empty glass next to his. I'd pretty much destroyed the drink coaster with my fidgeting while I listened to his story. It was hard to imagine him worse off than that Paul fellow up at the bar. Jared was around the same age as me and yet he'd lived a whole lifetime in the same amount of years. I'd been lucky, that was all I could think. Things had been easy for me, compared to him. My parents would love me unconditionally, whatever I decided, and so far my wife had been surprisingly supportive. I wasn't naïve to think everyone would be as agreeable as they had been, but as long as the most important people in my life were on my side, that was all that would matter.

"I'm not telling you this to shock you, or to make you feel sorry for me," Jared said. "The past is the past. It's not who I am now. I moved on to much better times and, eventually, you will too."

"I've been hearing that a lot lately."

"It's good advice," he said and smiled. "Are you up for another drink, or shall we head out?"

I glanced at my watch, it wasn't too late, we'd been talking for about two hours, and the thought of going back to my empty apartment, alone, wasn't exactly appealing so I told him I could use another drink if he could. We ordered two more beers and another drink coaster for me.

"Oh, I meant to ask," he said. "Did you ever call Leah for that session?"

"I did, today in fact. I have something set up next week. My wife...er... ex-wife, well I guess she isn't my ex-wife because we aren't divorced—we haven't even filed for divorce yet— but we don't live together or anything—she has the kids at our house—or I guess her house now—"

He started to laugh, his eyes wide with humor.

"Sorry. It's all so new. Anyway..." I said taking a deep breath to stop myself from rambling any further, "... she's agreed to come along. She's excited to meet Leah."

We stayed at the bar until midnight, finally calling it a night. The goodbye was somewhat awkward, like how it was at the wedding, a simple handshake and a promise to do it again soon. I jumped in the first cab and was off before I could even process things. I had actually enjoyed myself tonight, and if anything, I found a new friend in Jared.

I got home to my apartment. I'd left the hall light on for a change, something I never did, but it was almost comforting when I opened the door to the empty place. All of my life I'd never really been this alone. In College, our dorm and our apartment was a revolving door. It was very rare to find a moment's peace, and even when I first moved back out here, it wasn't long before I met my wife and we were living together. I welcomed the space I had now, but hated it all the same.

I saw the red blinking light and thought about Alec's words. He was trying to reach out to me, I just didn't know why. I pushed the button on the answering machine wondering if he'd have the balls to say something again. He didn't... another hang-up.


	13. Chapter 13

**~*Chapter Thirteen*~

* * *

**

"Come on, kids," I said. "Get your things, we've gotta go." I was packing some snacks and juice into a bag for later, I wasn't sure how long Leah was going to have us at her studio, and I doubted she would have anything kid friendly to eat.

"Do I look pretty, Daddy?" My daughter twirled with a tiara on her head. We'd dressed her in a simple white T-shirt, and blue jeans just as Leah had suggested, but the tiara was her idea. Her hair was down, freshly washed with her long curls looking a little scraggly. Leah had said the more natural the better, so that's what we'd done. Jack was in a white, short-sleeved shirt and jeans as well. It was hard to hide the diaper sticking out from the waistband, but it would have to do.

"Like a princess." I grabbed her hand and picked up Jack, before heading for the door. There was a soft knock just as I was about to open it. _I said we'd meet her there_, I thought quickly before opening the door.

I stepped back, bumping into the wall. "Oh!" Shock was the only thing registering in my mind, everything else around me forgotten.

I felt my daughter's hand tugging on my arm, snapping me back. "Who's that, Daddy?"

"Ah... that's... that's an old friend," I managed to say despite the lightheadedness I was feeling.

"Hi," he said with a sad smile. My phone started ringing and what felt like chaos erupted all around me.

"Squirt, can you take Jack back to your room? I'll come get you in a second." I set Jack down and she half carried him, half dragged him to their room. I held up a finger to the stranger—for that's what he felt like—and answered my phone.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi," my wife said on the other line. "Something's come up at work and it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to make it. I'm so sorry, Edward. I really wanted to be there for this. Are you upset?"

"N-no," I stammered, still flustered, trying to keep myself together. "No, no. It's fine. It's okay." My heart was hammering in my chest. I knew my voice sounded tight and she would think I was upset with her. I tried to think what else I could say to reassure her. "I'll get some good pictures. It would've been nice to get a family shot, but I don't even know if she's going to want us in the pictures anyway."

"I'm sorry. You know I wanted to be there."

"It's really okay. But I gotta go, we're running late." I said it a little more abruptly than I should have, and then added, "I'll tell you all about it tonight."

"Tell them I love them. Thank you for being so understanding, Edward," she said before hanging up. I was a little disappointed she wasn't going to come. It was odd how the shoe was on the other foot now. It had always been me who cancelled things on her, or couldn't make it to appointments because of work. The truth was, I was sort of terrified to go by myself, but those feelings vanished when I remembered the visitor at the door.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I snapped. I didn't have time to freak out or have a break down or punch the sheepish look off his face. Not with my kids in the next room. I was stronger than I thought I was. I'd come a long way I realized.

"Sorry," Jasper mumbled. "I see this is a bad time."

"Yeah, it's a fucking bad time. I can't deal with this right now," I said lifting up the kid's backpacks that were still in my hand. "I've got somewhere to be."

"Sorry," he said again. He looked all wrong standing in my apartment doorway. It didn't seem real. My attention was flipping to him to the kid's bedroom to my watch.

"Look... I'm taking the kids to get their picture taken. Can you come back later or whatever, or you can come, but I don't have time. I have to leave now," I said it all in a rush not really thinking things through, trying to mentally tabulate everything that I needed to bring. I was frazzled. Understatement of the year.

"Um...sorry." I was beginning to think that's all he could say, but then he said, "Can I help?"

"What?" My head whipped around to look at him.

"I'll help. If that's okay. I'll come."

I definitely had not expected that answer to come out of his mouth. As much as my heart was telling me I wanted him to stay, my head was yelling, 'Fuck you!' to him. But if I asked him to leave, I was afraid he'd never come back.

"Ah... okay, yeah that's fine." I shoved the bags into his hands and went to the bedroom and picked up the kids. I had them each under one arm as I headed out the door. They were both giggling and squealing from the way I'd picked them up. _Father of the year, here, _I thought as I carried each of them like a football to the car. _What the hell would the day have in store for us?_

Leah's studio was just as I imagined it, industrial looking with concrete and pillars and buzz of activity. There were people every where... all shapes and sizes and color. My kids were the only beings under five feet though and they caused quite the commotion... or I should say lack of commotion. We stood near the door, both kids in my arms and everyone turned to stop and stare. The buzz in the room faded and the silence was deafening.

"Hi," I said to the crowd. Everyone promptly turned their backs on us and continued on with their work. I was beginning to think this was a huge mistake. Why couldn't my wife be here with me?

"Who were you supposed to meet?" Jasper asked from behind me. His voice was calm and it surprisingly soothed me.

"Ah... a blonde by the name of Heidi," I said. Jasper walked over to the throng of people. He was still holding the _Dora the Explorer_ and _Thomas the Train_ backpacks I'd packed for the kids and he held them firmly on his shoulder like they belonged there.

"We're looking for Heidi," he said. No one answered him. They didn't even give him a second look. "'Scuse me," he said a little louder, "_Heidi_, we're looking for Heidi." He pronounced each word for them. A young man finally looked up from his Blackberry and waved to the back of the studio. "Thank you," Jasper said turning to me and nodding his head in the direction the man had pointed.

I followed him to the back where we were to find Heidi, and sure enough, we found her there talking on her phone. She recognized me and waved me over. The kids were very quiet in my arms, probably as shocked and scared as I was. I set them down and Jasper grabbed hold of their hands while I went to meet with Heidi.

"Well, hello, Edward," she said, smiling with a sneer. "You look even better than I remember." She eyed me head to toe and leaned to the side to look at Jasper and the kids. "I wonder if Jared's going to be as disappointed as I am to see you have a boyfriend." She smiled again and licked her lips as she checked him out. "Leah's just finishing up with some clients and she'll be with you shortly." She looked down at my kids and then back up to me. "I have to say, I despise children, but your two might be the exception." She walked over to my daughter in her three inch heels and bent down so she was eye level with her. "Hi, Sweetheart, what's your name?"

My daughter hugged Jasper's leg, playing the shy little girl she usually did with strangers, deciding Jasper was much less scarier than Heidi. "Squirt," she mumbled and I couldn't help but chuckle. She preferred that name to her given one.

"Squirt?" Heidi said laughing. "What kind of name is that? That's a pretty tiara you have on, how about I take you to see what else we can find for you?"

My daughter bit her lip and looked up at me, waiting for my approval. "Do you want to go, Sara?" I asked, clarifying the name dilemma. She nodded and left the comforts of Jasper's leg and grabbed Heidi's manicured hand.

Heidi mouthed, "She's gorgeous," to me and the two were off, with Heidi's heels clicking against the concrete.

"She's a treat," Jasper said, picking up Jack.

"You have no idea."

"Oh, yeah? A story there?" he asked.

For a second, we were as we'd always been, friends, joking and being smart asses. I told him about my first encounter with Heidi, and it was natural, like we didn't skip a beat. Even with our entrance, and Jasper taking control, it was as it had always been. I wanted to let go, but the reality of everything came back the minute I saw Kim come around the corner.

"Edward!" she said. "It's so nice to see you again. When Leah told me you were coming in today with your kids I had to stop by." I kissed her cheek in greeting and she looked over to Jasper and to my son. "Is this your little one?" she asked.

"He's playing a little shy," I said. She was looking from me to Jasper and was waiting for an introduction. "Um... Kim, this is my friend Jasper. Jasper, Kim."

Kim gave me a questioning look. "As in Alec's nephew, Jasper?"

"Ah, yeah?" Jasper said, somewhat surprised she'd heard his name before. He held out his hand and looked at me from the corner of his eye.

I wasn't sure how much Kim knew about our history, but she was gracious and accepted his hand and plastered a smile on her face.

"Can I hold him?" she asked, reaching for Jack. "We never get children here." Jasper handed him over and she walked off with my son, ogling over him.

"You know these people through Alec?" Jasper asked, his tone a little haughty.

"I do, yeah," I said, matching his tone. "Alec's been here for me." Our easy banter from earlier was gone, my defenses were back.

"I didn't know."

"Why are you here?" I asked. It was the wrong place to get into it, but I couldn't stop myself. We were squared off, facing each other, everyone else in the place was forgotten.

"I was hoping we could talk."

"Talk." I scoffed. "So it's been ten months and you want to talk now. What a convenient time for you," I said full of bitterness.

"I should've tried to—"

"Save it." We had started to garner some attention; a few heads had turned to look at us. "I don't want to get into it here. It's not the place." I walked away from him and went to find Heidi and my kids.

Leah eventually found us, and really just let the kids do their thing. She took some staged shots, but for the most part everything was candid. It became quite the production. Some of the people in the studio had come to help out, trying to entertain the kids and the afternoon flew by.

"Edward," Leah said, throwing a plain white T-shirt at me, "put this on and take your shoes and socks off."

"Leah, I don't need my picture taken. It's okay."

"I know you don't need it. Just do what I say." She was changing up her lens and wasn't even looking at me. I did what she said, the shirt was a little tighter than I would have liked, but I didn't dare argue with her. I waited, standing uncomfortably off to the side. "Over there. Sit," she said, pointing, still not looking up. She directed me to a large white ceramic box where some lights had been setup around it. "Kids! Go sit with Daddy on the box." They were as afraid of her as I was, and did exactly what she said. We were all in white T-shirts, jeans and bare feet. Kim sat my son on my lap and my daughter jumped up beside me. "Don't look at the camera. Just talk to them, Edward." Leah finally looked up, hitching the camera up to her eye. She played around with the lens and the lighting, ordering her assistants to fix things while she walked around us. I was kind of shell-shocked. It was awkward sitting there with everyone just staring at us.

"Edward, lighten up. Relax. You look like you're going to be sick," Leah said. And I did feel like I was going to be sick. I didn't like being the center of attention.

I stumbled through a half-assed story, and the kids started to fidget. They didn't want to sit on my lap any more than I wanted to sit on this box. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper move closer. He bent down, his hands on his knees and started talking to us. He'd laid on his thick Southern Drawl, which seemed to fascinate the kids, I even found myself smiling at him. He talked about nothing, silly stories with lots of animation and before we knew it, Leah was telling us she got what she needed. This was the Jasper I remembered, the one I knew from school. The one I'd grown to love. He could calm any situation, and I longed for our friendship... I longed for him.

We packed up and were walking to the door when Leah called out to me.

"Edward, you got a second?" She was texting on her Blackberry and stopped once Jasper and Kim had walked out the door with the kids. "Does Alec know he's here?"

"I don't know. He just showed up on my doorstep as we were leaving to come here."

She scrutinized me for a few seconds. "Are you okay?"

"Not really, but I can't exactly break down, can I?"

"You did good today," she said, patting my arm. "Want me to call Alec?"

I figured Leah had already called and spoken to Alec the minute I showed up with Jasper in tow. I gave her a look indicating that I saw past her charade.

"Fine," she sighed, "he says you're to call him. I should have the proofs sometime next week. I'll have them sent to your place. We got some good shots."

"I don't know what else to say, other than thank you, Leah."

She turned and walked away. She yelled back, "Be strong, Edward!"

**~*.*~**

We arrived back to the apartment just before dinner. It had been a busy afternoon and about as far removed from the personal stuff between us as it could be. There was no time to talk at the studio, and I tried to avoid him for the most part. I still hadn't processed what it meant for Jasper to be here, more than likely he was here to convince me to reconsider his offer. I saw him watching me all afternoon, like he was analyzing the way I was with my kids. Alec had said they still hadn't found a suitable donor, but fuck him.

Despite my aggravation, I offered him a beer while I cooked dinner for the kids. The nightly routine with the kids wouldn't be sacrificed and I wasn't going to get into anything with Jasper while they were here. If anything, I wanted him to see my new life. It was because of him my life changed, he should see what it was all about now.

A sharp cry from the living room followed by some screams interrupted our awkward idle chat.

"Can you watch this a second?" I pointed to the stove and headed for the living room. "What's going on in here?"

The kids were tired, they'd missed their naps and the day was long. It didn't help that I was on edge the whole time. I'm sure they could feel my tension and it wasn't helping their moods. When they were tired, they fought... typical kids. The problem was, I wasn't in the mood to deal with it and I definitely didn't have the patience for it. I grabbed Jack, trying to soothe his cries and popped a movie into the DVD player for the instigator. Dinner would be ready soon and then they'd be out of my hair for the night. I was pissed off that I was pissed off. This was the first time I'd had my patience tested with them. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted everyone gone, including Jasper.

I grabbed the spoon from Jasper, turning my back to him and continued to stir the noodles. I had Jack resting against my hip and he was still crying.

"Here," he said, taking my son, "I got him." He sat him on his lap and was staring at him. Jack stopped crying. He just stared right back at him, like the two of them were sizing each other up. Jasper smiled and my son laughed grabbing hold of his hair. It pissed me off even more. There was no rational reason for it, but nothing was rational when it came to Jasper anymore.

I gritted my teeth, and finished up preparing their dinner.

"Sara, dinner!" I sat Jack in his high-chair and dished out their meals. It was anything but gourmet, and I never served them this kind of meal, but it would have to do.

"Do you want some?" I asked.

"No, I'm good. Thanks." He turned his nose up at the macaroni and cheese and took a sip of his beer instead.

I sighed and turned toward the living room where my daughter was still glued to the TV. My patience was gone. "Sara Lee! Dinner. Now."

Jasper choked on his beer, coughing up a lung full that went down the wrong tube.

"You all right?"

He kept coughing and patted his chest. His eyes were watery. "Yeah," he said gasping. He looked down at the counter and his face was red, but it wasn't from the choking.

"What?" I asked, even more irritated now.

"Lee?" he said referring to her middle name. "You named your kid _Sara Lee_? As in the dessert?" He was having a hard time containing himself and I wanted to punch the grin off of his face.

"No." I felt my temperature rising and tried to keep it in check. This was the same argument I had with everyone and it still annoyed me after all these years. When my wife and I discussed names, we agreed she could pick the first name and I could pick the second name. That was our deal... that's how it worked. She wanted Sara, and I wanted Lee. We had a good fight over that one, but I didn't budge and neither did she. For me... it meant something else to me.

"I thought you knew," I said, looking down at my feet, taking a deep breath. "I mean... when she was born... I thought you knew."

"No, I think I would've remembered that one," he said still laughing, unaware of the real reason behind the name.

"Hey, asshole. That's not why I picked that name," I said and slammed the pot in the sink. I scared Jack and I could see his bottom lip start to tremble. A few more seconds and he'd be screaming. I gripped the counter, with my shoulders hunched over in anger and waited for it. But it never came.

Jasper had taken hold of his hands, and was shushing him and soothing him of his worries. When he finally settled, Jasper looked up at me. He was humbled, I'd definitely put him in his place. He'd put two and two together and softly said, "I never knew." He paused. "You never told me."

I suppose I hadn't told him my daughter was named after him. I just assumed when he saw the birth announcement he would guess. Maybe my wife never sent him one. I remember calling him and telling him the day she was born, but maybe I hadn't told him we'd used his middle name. If this was a year ago, I would've been laughing along with him at how stupid and stubborn I'd been over the whole idea of naming my kid after a frozen dessert, knowing the lifetime of ridicule she'd have to endure. But now, I was just hurt. We eyed each other across the table, both of our faces flushed. Sara finally came into the kitchen waiting for me to put her in her seat. She was looking from me to Jasper and I wondered if she could feel the tension between us. I cleared my throat and we broke our gaze when Jasper went to pick Sara up and put her in her seat.

"As much as I'm honored by the namesake," Jasper pretended to bow to my daughter and she giggled at his actions, "you have to admit... it's sorta funny."

"Shut up."

"Daddy, you're not supposed to say that."

"I know, Squirt, but Mr. Whitlock's not being very nice." I wanted to add some more colorful words but I refrained knowing I'd only get myself into more trouble.

Dinner was painful but quick and the kids were still whining. I got them cleaned up and packed up their things to take them home.

"I have to drop the kids off," I said. I didn't want him to come with me this time. Having to explain what he was doing here to my wife was something I didn't want to do. "Ah... do you..."

"I've got some calls to make, anyway. I'll head out."

It figured the fucker would be leaving now when we were going to be alone. I should've known the asshole would run out. "You can make them here," I said with an edge to my voice. "I won't be long." I didn't exactly want him in my apartment, but I didn't want to see him leave, either. Not before we'd had a chance to talk. What was supposed to be a good day had turned soul real quick. I might as well round it off with a conversation I didn't want to have and definitely wasn't ready for.

It didn't take me long. Traffic was light and I turned down the invite for the regular coffee talk. My wife wanted to hear about the day, but I made an excuse about the long day, and things to do so I asked her for a raincheck.

I was standing outside my door wondering if he would actually be there. The lights were still on, but that didn't mean anything. It wouldn't have surprised me at all if he'd left. I think I almost wished he had. I wasn't under any illusions that he was here for me. He wanted something, but it wasn't me. I'd spent the day with him, but it almost felt like I hadn't. We were distant with only a few glimpses of our old selves appearing at times.

He was sitting in my living room and I had to admit, for a split second, having someone to come home to felt pretty damn good. "Hey," I said as I threw the keys on the side table.

"Hey."

I went to the fridge and grabbed a beer, my first one of the day. "Want one?"

"No, I'm good."

I twisted the cap off and threw it in the sink and walked back to the living room, sitting opposite him on the chair. He had put some music on, and even though the volume was low it seemed to echo around the room, pounding in my ears... or maybe that was my heart.

"That was good today," he said. "Thanks for letting me come." I just nodded and took another sip of my beer. "You're great with them." And then there it was... the elephant in the room. I was trying to size him up before I said anything. I wanted to see if he was going to tell me why he was here without me asking again.

He stood up and went to the corner of the room where my guitar sat. He picked it up and asked me if I still played. Again, I nodded. He sat back down and started tuning my guitar. It was something I always hated—anyone messing with it—and he fucking knew that.

"Guitar? You're going to play the fucking guitar?" I scoffed and went to the kitchen. I was hungry now, and if he wasn't going to talk to me, then I was going to make myself something to eat. I pulled out a bunch of stuff to make a sandwich and started putting it all together. After the time it took for me to eat my dinner, he finally came into the kitchen.

"Why the _fuck_ are you here?" I said. My back was to him so I couldn't see his face. "I mean, ten fucking months and not a fucking peep and then you show up on my doorstep without any warning. You can't _do_ that." I turned around on the stool, and grabbed my plate to take it to the sink. I never offered him anything to eat. I imagined he was as starved as I had been, but I didn't care. I rinsed off the plate, still waiting for him to answer.

"I don't know," he finally said. "I just got in my car and started driving."

I knew what that was like, but didn't say as much.

"I wanted to see you. I want to apologize for—"

"I don't want your fucking apology and I don't want your pity. I'm starting to get my life together and I don't need you here to fuck it all up again. Did you come to ask me properly this time? I know you're still trying to have kids. I'll save you the trouble. The answer is no, and it will always be fucking 'no.'"

"Edward," he said looking down at his boots and then back up at me. "I really am sorry. It wasn't supposed to happen that way."

"Funny. You asked me to be honest with you that night. You fucking hypocrite, 'cause you were anything but with me."

"I know," he said. "I never should've let it go that far. I got caught up in it all and I wasn't thinking straight."

"Wow... you've got some nerve," I said. "Did you and your wife have a good laugh over it all afterward? Or was she pissed you screwed up her chances to have a baby?"

"It wasn't like that. It wasn't supposed to happen that way. Yes, we wanted to ask you to be a donor. That was the plan, but when I saw you again after all those years, I don't know... I was... confused."

"Fuck you, asshole." I shook my head. "You wanted it just as much as I did. You were anything but confused that night," I said with bitterness.

"I can't live that lifestyle, Edward. I can't."

"And what lifestyle is that?" I asked. I was being a total prick about everything, but I couldn't help it.

"You know what I mean," he said. "You can call me a coward or whatever you want, but I don't see how it would've worked. How it would work. We're not back in College anymore. I've got responsibilities."

"And I didn't? Fuck you." I was shaking my head as I looked at him in disbelief. "Why? That's all I want to know. I keep thinking about that night over and over again, and I just don't get it. Why? Why'd you go through with it then? You made me feel something. _You_ made me want it. If you knew you couldn't... it was... it was just _fucking cruel."_

"I don't know!" He was clearly agitated as he shuffled his feet, putting his hands in his pocket. "I just thought... having that one night would be enough. That we'd get it out of our systems and we'd go back to our lives. We'd always have that night, but then that was it."

"But the next morning..."

"I never promised you anything, Edward."

"Ouch. Fuck, Jasper. I thought when you sucked my cock that was promise enough."

"Don't," he said, his jaw set like stone.

The phone rang and we stopped and we stared at each other across the counter. I didn't move to pick it up, figuring the machine would pick it up, which it did by the fourth ring.

"Hey, Edward," Jared's voice rang through the speaker. My stomach dropped as he continued. "I realized I don't have your cell phone number, this is the only number I have. I just wanted to say that I had a great time the other night. I hope you did too despite the shit at the beginning. Anyway... You're going to think this is a setup but it's really not." He laughed and it rang out through the speaker. "A friend of mine's a chef. He's bringing me some fresh lobsters from Maine this week. He knows my weak spot. Well... the game's going to be on, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over for... ah... dinner and watch the game. I'm a pretty good cook and it's no pressure or anything. I'll just have a lot of food and need someone to share it, plus this time we can watch the game. All right, let me know." He paused. "Hope to hear from you." The speaker cut off when he hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" Jasper asked.

"A friend."

"Yeah, a friend. What... is that like a date? Did you go on a _date_ with him?"

"It wasn't like that."

"Then what was it like?"

"What the fuck, Jasper? What do you want me to say? Why do you even care?"

He didn't answer me, but I recognized the set in his shoulders and knew he was trying to process everything.

His eyes were angry, but he still looked the same, just like that night, and my heart still felt the same... just like that night. Every nerve in body was on fire. If I'd had any question about whether I was gay or not, having him here this close to me gave me a pretty good idea the answer to that. I still wanted everything about him. The way his jaw was clenched and how his hands were gripping the counter and those lips, those fucking lips again, but this time I remembered exactly what they felt like.

"We went for drinks," I said, "it was nothing."

He lowered his head and took a breath before asking, "Are you going to dinner?"

"Fuck, I don't know," I said, shifting my body to hide the effect he was having on me. "He's a good guy, we've lots in common, and he's a friend. I don't have many of those right now."

"And he's _gay_." His head came up and his expression was hard. "I'm just trying to get my head around all this... around you. You've left your wife, you've become friends with Alec who's gay, and now you're dating... a man." He lifted his hands in the air. "It's a lot to take in."

"We're not dating." I could feel the anger start to bubble beneath the surface. He was grilling me about _my_ life. "You don't want this, but you don't want me to have anything else either. Is that it? You're the one who _told _me to leave my wife! Fuck, Jasper! I don't owe you anything!" My voice had risen to a shouting level. "What do you want from me?"

"I just want my best friend back!" he yelled back at me.

I scoffed and it was my turn to raise my hands. "We fucked that up," I said. "I told you that night we couldn't come back from that. It's done."

"So you're saying we can't be friends."

"No, we can't be fucking friends. When I look at you, all I see is that night. And you fucking me over. You played me... and I fell for it. You just wanted to see what it was all about. You liedto me. You had no intention of being with me... you never did. Did you?" I didn't expect an answer, so I continued. "That's what I thought. I'm still in love with you! I can't be around you and pretend that we're best buds again. It doesn't work like that."

"We haven't even tried."

"You just don't fucking get it," I said, moving to the side of the counter. "We can never go back to what we were. _I_ can never go back! If you were a woman, it'd be no fucking different. I still couldn't be around you knowing you didn't feel the same about me. You know damn well all it'll take is one night. We'll have too much to drink and it'll happen again and I can't handle that."

"It won't happen again. It can't. I won't let it."

"Fuck! You say that now, but... see... I want it to happen. I want to kiss you. I want you to suck my cock again." I knew my words were harsh, but I wanted him to hear them out loud so he could face the bitter truth of it. "I want it all with you. I do." I moved closer to him, we were inches apart. "I want to taste you, Jasper. I even want you to put your cock inside of me." He was shaking his head back and forth. "What? You don't want to hear that?"

"Don't."

"You don't want to hear how I lay awake at night dreaming about your lips on my dick or that I feel your hands on me when I'm in the shower?"

"Stop it."

"Or when I jerk off... it's your face I see. Do you see me?" I grabbed hold of his collar. I was inches from his lips. His warm breath smelled of cigarettes and beer, but it was exactly how I remembered it. "Do you imagine my mouth on you?" I pushed my hips into his so he could feel what he did to me. My cock was hard, straining against my jeans. All he had to do was lean forward and I would open myself up for him again.

We stared into each other's eyes for a few breaths, waiting for the other to make a move and then I watched his eyes cloud over with emotion and his arms came up and he shoved me hard. "Fuck you."

I stayed upright, not losing my footing. I squared my shoulders and with a steady voice said, "No... that's what I want to do to you."

"Fuck you!" he screamed and his fist connected with my face.

I'd been waiting for it. I knew it was coming, I wanted him to hit me, but I went down all the same. I wanted him to hear exactly what I was thinking... I wanted him to feel something. I could hear him breathing heavily, choking back his grief.

"I can't have you in my life," I whispered with my hand at my bloody lip. "I've no idea who the fuck you are anymore and I don't want you in my life." I slowly stood up and lifted my chin. "Get the fuck out."


	14. Chapter 14

**~*Chapter Fourteen*~**

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* * *

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A week went by since Jasper's visit and it felt like it had never happened, but each time I looked in the mirror the evidence of that night was staring right back at me. My lip was still bruised, and the cut was still evident. There wasn't anything I could do to hide it. It wasn't an easy thing to explain to my family, but I told them the truth about Jasper's visit and our fight—again, sparing them the finer details. It was like they were on a suicide watch, but the truth of it was that I was okay. They'd all expected me to go into a tailspin, but I never did. For the first time in my life I was honest with myself. I'd said the things—as harsh as they were—I'd wanted to say. Jasper wasn't ready to hear them, which wasn't any fault of mine.

I'd managed to successfully avoid Alec all week. I didn't want to see him or talk to him, and I definitely wasn't looking for his advice. I wanted to put it all behind me and move past the anger, so I accepted Jared's invitation to dinner—partly because I needed something to take my mind off of things and partly because I was curious. I couldn't deny it any longer. Jasper's visit seemed to solidify what I was having a hard time accepting. I wanted to see where things would go, or even where I could go.

"Hey! OH..." Jared said when he opened the door and saw my lip. "What happened to you?"

"Ah... it's nothing. Stupid, really." I ducked to avoid his scrutiny, grateful he was acting as though he hadn't heard. I lifted up two brown bags. "Beer. I would have brought wine, but with the game..."

"Perfect, come on in." He held the door wide and let me into his loft. It was very open and very modern looking, completely different than my place. He had a flat screen TV against one wall that pretty much took up the entire wall.

"Whoa," I said. "Now that's how to watch a game."

"Yeah, most people I have over don't appreciate it. They think a TV shouldn't be seen... which I've never understood." He walked to the low-lying cabinet underneath it and flipped open the cupboard. Video games for all kinds of systems lined the inside of it. "And these... well I won't even mention these," he said, laughing while my eyes went wide and I think I actually felt a twinge in my pants. This was a bachelor's haven.

"I'll put these in the fridge," he said, holding up the beer. "I've got some cold ones we can have. Bottle or glass?"

"Umm... glass. Thank you."

His loft was amazing. Not really my taste. For one, it wasn't exactly kid friendly, but it suited him. It was all one room, with an exposed brick-face along one wall and another wall was covered in windows. The giant TV and the leather sofa and chairs were supposed to be the focal point of the room, but all I could see was the king-sized bed at the other end. It was glaring at me, like there were spotlights beaming down on the brown duvet. I could have sworn it vibrated. I gulped my beer.

"Nice place," I said.

"It does the trick."

He was in the kitchen, busy with the food and wearing an apron to protect his clothes. I breathed a much needed sigh of relief at his attire. I must have changed three times before leaving the apartment, finally settling on a tailored dark, grey shirt Alec had bought for me and some jeans he promised 'made my ass look better'... whatever that meant. I'd shaved, even throwing on some cologne I hardly ever wore. I worried I was over dressed, after all, we were just watching the game, and if I'd been with my friends, I would've been in old jeans and a Tee. But somehow that didn't feel right with Jared, and my instincts were right. He was in a deep green, button down shirt which was tucked neatly into his jeans. I wasn't a tucker, but it suited him. His hair was perfectly styled like it always was, and despite the smells from the food, I knew he was wearing cologne as well. I was nervous, but it was a good nervous I decided.

"Ah, need some help?" I asked, moving closer to the kitchen.

"Nope, I got it covered, but you can grab a chair and keep me company."

Dinner was... interesting. I'd never cooked lobsters at home, and I found out I was a bit squeamish when it came to dropping the little suckers into boiling water. Jared mocked me but assured me they wouldn't scream. He promised it was all myth even though I didn't really believe him.

He was a great cook, and the evening was light and jovial, if not a little messy, but it worked. It was nice to have a meal cooked for me and having someone other than my mother cooking it for me.

The game was on, and I was trying my best to concentrate on it. Jared was intense, he was right into it and it was hard not to share his enthusiasm, even though all I kept thinking about was what would happen when the game ended, or what did I want to happen when the game ended.

When the clock on the TV counted down the last few seconds of the game, Jared stood up and yelled, "Sonuvabitch!" He switched the TV off and threw the remote on the couch. "I can't believe that. How the hell did they score two goals in the last five minutes! We were winning! Man, I had money on that game too." He sat down and put his hands over his face.

All I could do was laugh at him. I hadn't been paying much attention to the game during the last period. I was too busy wondering what it would be like to kiss him and that giant bed was still glaring at me. My head was filled with all kinds of curses at myself for being such a goddamn chicken to take that next step. I think I wanted to kiss him, I just wasn't sure if it was want or curiosity that was the driving force. I wondered if it would matter.

He turned to look at me. "Are you laughing at me?"

"A little bit. I'm a Hawks fan soo..."

"Aw, man, you just had to go there. I don't think I would've let you in the door if I'd known that. I might've played ball, but back home, I grew up on the pond with my skates on. My dad took me to my first Ranger's game when I was twelve and that was it. Hockey's in my blood."

"My dad gets box seats sometimes. I'm sure I could get tickets if you ever want to go," I said.

"What? Really? You might have redeemed yourself. Not just nice to look at, useful too."

To my surprise, I didn't blush at his words, instead I moved closer to him, sliding across his leather couch. He stopped talking and stared at me. I saw his eyes glance to my lips.

"What are you doing, Edward?"

I let out a chuckle. "I don't fucking know," I said, but didn't move away. My arm was resting on the back of the couch, and I was turned to him slightly. I moved closer. I was going to kiss him. I needed to know what it felt like. I needed to kiss another man to get the feel of Jasper out of my memories. I leaned forward, and placed my lips on his. It was odd. With Jasper, I loved him, whether it was from knowing him for all those years or if it was real love, it just felt right. Not to say that it didn't feel right with Jared, it was just different. The emotion behind it wasn't the same, but it was still different than any of the women I'd ever kissed.

He pulled away from me resting his forehead against mine. "I want to, I do, but you're not ready."

"I'm ready." I kissed him again and he opened his mouth and his tongue touched mine. His lips were softer than Jasper's and a part of me missed the stale cigarette breath. But the more we kissed the more the stirrings began. He seemed hesitant with me, like he was holding back, so I moved my hand from the back of the couch to his neck, hoping he'd start to initiate something... anything. I was the one who had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I liked Jared, I did. And we were alike in many ways. I could see who I was becoming when I was around him. I needed to see where this would go, if I could go through with it. I wanted to know if it was only Jasper who got me hard.

I waited for him to take the tentative next step, but he didn't, so I moved my hand to his thigh, inching my way up. I was braver than I thought, but before I got real brave, he pulled away.

"Edward, I'm sorry," he said. "If this is going to happen with you, I want it to be on the right terms."

"Right terms?" I leaned back and felt the flush on my cheeks.

"I know Jasper was here." Without thinking, I bit my lip trying to hide the bruise. "And by the looks of your face, things didn't exactly go so well."

"Fuck! Is my entire life on display for all of you?" I moved away to the opposite end of the couch. "Do you all just sit around and think what the fuck you should do with me or what's best for me? I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking they know what's best for me. Can't I make my own decisions? Can't we just do this and for once not worry about the consequences?"

"Well, that's a little selfish don't you think?" I looked at him, questioning his comment. "What about me, Edward? Did you think about what I want? I like you... more than I should. And my heart's as easily broken as yours. I could find myself falling for you, and yet, here you are using me as your own personal experiment."

I looked out the window into the dark city skyline and saw my face in the reflection, and for a second I didn't recognize myself. I was sitting on a couch with a man I'd just kissed, who I wanted to kiss but not because I felt something for him. He was right. I wanted to use him. It was as simple as that.

"You're still in love with him," he said. "Maybe you always will be. I can't get involved with someone who isn't ready for it. I wish I had someone who loved me as much as you love him. You flinch every time his name is mentioned but your eyes tell a different story. I can't be that guy for you. I can't be the one for you to test all this out on. I've done the meaningless sex, I'm not looking for that."

"I'm sorry," I said. "Fuck! I'm just trying to find my feet in all this. I'm so confused."

"I know." He moved closer and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Guilt's a crazy thing isn't it?" I gave him another questioning look, wondering how he knew what I was feeling at that moment. "You think you shouldn't want this." I nodded. "And did you?"

I thought for a few breaths before answering. I had to admit, I'd been wondering what it would have been like. I'd imagined Jared and that Paul guy fucking ever since the night at the bar. I couldn't get the image out of my head. "I'm not sure, I mean, I think so."

"Yeah, that's that shame and guilt confusing the fuck out of you. One of these days your head will catch up to your heart."

I put my head in my hands and apologized to him. "I shouldn't have done that. I—"

"Edward, believe me, there's nothing more I'd like to do than take you to bed. _Seriously_. There's never been anyone I wanted to see naked more than you." He chuckled, and this time I did blush from his words—deeply. "Who knows, maybe one day we'll get there." I glanced at the king-size bed, it still seemed to be glowing, but didn't seem as foreboding. "Besides, I think Alec would skin me alive if something happened with the two of us tonight," he said laughing. "You're off-limits."

"Great..." I rolled my eyes. "I'm still the naïve child, I see."

"Not at all. He's just worried about you. I've never seen him care about someone as much as he does you. He wasn't even like this with me." He paused for a moment, settling back into the couch. "I think it's because you remind him of his late husband. You're like him in a lot of ways."

That was news I wasn't expecting to hear. All this time, Alec knew my story, and I'd never asked about his. Alec didn't hold much back, so if he wanted me to know he would have told me, but I never even pressed him. I was too wrapped up in my own wallowing. I was selfish and what I'd just done to Jared was evidence of that. I was a dick.

"I should probably go."

"You don't have to," he said, and he meant it. "There's more beer and I've got a wicked Tiramisu in the fridge."

"Can I ask why you're doing this? Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude, it's just why bother..."

"I've had my fair share of shitty relationships. I can see you've got a good heart, Edward, not to mention you're pretty damn hot. I'm interested, even if it means waiting 'til you figure some things out. Everyone comes with baggage, yours just happens to be out in the open not tucked away like most people. There's no pressure here. If you want to go out and find someone to try this all out with, I understand. It just can't be me. And if it turns out we're just meant to be friends, then I can handle that too."

This man was pretty amazing. He was someone I wanted to get to know better, and I wish I had my shit together, but I didn't. Timing really was everything and timing was a bitter bitch. He hadn't made me feel ashamed for what I'd just done, he wasn't angry and he didn't take advantage of a situation I clearly wasn't ready for. I definitely needed him in my life right now. And maybe he could shed some light on Alec in the process.

"That Tiramisu sounds pretty good."

**~*.*~**

I was getting ready to start my day with the kids. I was taking them to the park today. It had been raining every day this past week and it was finally sunny. They'd been going stir crazy, so I figured they needed to let off some steam. I glanced at my watch, realizing I had some time. Maybe I could stop by the salon and see Jared and apologize for the other night. I had two tickets to the hockey game I hoped to give him to make up for it. I was an ass and the last thing I wanted to do was alienate myself from him. I wanted to let him know that I just needed some time if he was willing to be patient with me. I could take it slow with him. Maybe that was what I needed to get over Jasper. Maybe a random fuck wasn't the answer like I'd thought it might be. The only problem was that I was getting those familiar blue balls I was so used to. Not because of Jared, they were just always there and the only way I found myself taking care of them was to imagine that night with Jasper. I always took it one step further in my head though, beyond what we did that night. I was curious to know what it would actually feel like... not just in my head. Of course having a computer and the internet didn't help my balls. If someone were to search my web history they'd be in for a shock. I looked up anything I could get my hands on. Videos, pictures even very badly written erotic literature. I wanted to know, and I wanted to be ready if and when it ever happened. So far the only thing I'd learned was that gay porn got me hard. Very hard.

There was a knock on the door. I'd been expecting it. Leah said she'd have the proofs dropped off this morning. I rinsed out my mug, adjusting myself to hide the semi I was now sporting. I signed for the package and examined the solid brown envelope, weighing it in my hands before opening it. It was heavy. She must have taken a lot of shots.

She'd done everything in a washed out sepia effect, playing on the lighting and the naturalness of the kids and their attire. The photos were incredible. She'd managed to capture every little thing about them in just a few shots. They were laughing, their eyes sparkling in some, while in another she caught Jack crying, his tears just resting on his eyelids ready to fall. I'd seen that look so many times and laughed that Leah had managed to get it. There were other photos where looks of deep concentration crossed their faces. My daughter had the same crinkle between her eyes as me when she was thinking and for the first time I saw our similarities. Everyone thought she looked like her mother, but as I sat there staring at this one shot of her coloring a picture, I saw me. My eyes started to tear up and for the first time in a long time I felt fulfilled. I felt complete.

There was another brown envelope at the bottom of the pile, with a yellow Post It note attached to the front.

_**These ones are just for you, Edward.**_

I opened up the envelope and there was a series of black and white shots of me and Jasper, some where we were alone and some in the same frame. She'd even gotten a shot of us when we were arguing. I hadn't even known she was taking our picture. My face was harsh, and my eyes were angry, but Jasper's were sad. I could see every little detail of his face; the small traces of stubble on his chin, the sunspots on his nose, and the tiny white scar just above his left eyebrow. I traced my fingers along his face before flipping to the next photo.

I was sitting on the box with the kids. We were in the right side of the frame, and it looked as though I was just talking to them trying to get them to calm down. On the edge of the left side of the frame, Jasper was standing with his hands in his pockets with his head tilted and he was watching us, unaware he was being photographed. I wasn't sure if it was the reflection from the lights, but it looked like there were tears in his eyes. I turned to the next picture and my heart skipped a beat, and my throat constricted. The next few shots were taken in sequence, but there was one in particular where Jasper was bent at the knees, talking to us. His hands were raised while he was telling his story, and his mouth was open in a smile. His blond, scraggly hair was curled around his ears and the three of us were laughing at him. I held my kids tight in my arms and we looked as though we were giggling and the spark of light was back in our eyes... all four of us. It was natural and pure and my heart was aching looking at it. The shot was beautiful. It sounded corny, but the picture was filled with love. For a brief moment, I realized it was the family shot I'd hoped Leah would take when I originally booked the session, only it came in a different package. I was beginning to wonder who was craftier, Alec or Leah.

There was another knock on the door, and I wondered if the kids were getting dropped off here. I took one more look at the photos before packing them away.

"Coming!" I yelled, wiping my face and collecting myself.

I swung the door open and the blood rushed from my face when I saw who was in front of me.

"Edward? Hi, I'm—" she said.

"I know who you are. What do you want?" I was staring down at Jasper's wife. She looked tired, distraught almost, but she was impeccably dressed and she was smiling at me.

"Can I come in?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder to my living room, like she was looking for something or someone.

I dropped my hand and gestured for her to come in. "I don't know why you're here. Nothing you can say will change my decision. I'm not helping you."

"So you know where he is then?" Her eyes were lit up with excitement, but fell when I didn't answer her. I was confused by her question. "Jasper," she said, her voice a little unsteady.

"Ah... no. He was here almost two weeks ago, but I haven't heard from him since."

She sat down with a heavy sigh, her hands clamped together.

"What's happened?" I asked.

"He's gone. He just left and no one's heard from him."

"Have you tried Alec?"

She nodded. "He's not seen him either."

I wondered why Alec had kept this from me. Surely, this constituted a reason to remove the gag order on all things Jasper.

"How long?"

"Four weeks," she said sniffling. I reached for some tissues and offered her the box. "Thank you."

_Four weeks_, I thought. That didn't make sense. What had he been doing before he came here? "I'm sure he's fine," I said, not wanting to alarm her. "Do you know why he left?"

She stopped sniffling for a second and rolled her eyes at me. "You know why he left."

"Umm... actually, I don't. His visit wasn't exactly a good one. It ended with his fist connecting to my face."

She smiled a sad smile. "It doesn't surprise me. He's been on edge for a long time. He's kept it bottled up, pretending everything was fine, but it was like a ticking time bomb. After your visit to Chicago, he told me you said no to being a donor. And I understood. It's a lot to take in and it was a lot to ask of you. I'm sorry. But our lives went on as usual, except he was different. He wasn't the Jasper I married."

That was becoming a central theme in our lives.

"Right before he left, we'd had a fight, but it wasn't a typical fight. I asked him about you and why the two of you really didn't speak anymore. He didn't want to talk about it, but I kept asking, until eventually he told me you were appalled we'd asked you to help us and you didn't want him in your life. He said he wanted to spare me from the real truth last Spring. But I knew he was lying to me. I think I know you well enough from the stories, Edward, to know you aren't cruel like he made you out to be. So I pressed him, and kept asking for the truth. He broke down in front of me and told me he couldn't tell me. The next morning he was gone. I know something happened that night when you were in Chicago...between the two of you." She blushed fiercely, gripping the tissue in her hands. "I don't want the details, but from the bits and pieces, I think I can guess."

"I don't know where he is, and that's the truth. And I won't be the one to tell you what happened. You need to hear it from him. "

"Fair enough."

"As for his visit a few weeks ago when he turned up on my doorstep? He's right about one thing... I don't want him in my life. He wants things to go back to the way they were, which they can't be. I just assumed he was here to try and convince me to change my mind. Well, you know." I pointed to her belly, not really wanting to say the words out loud.

"I can't lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind. I'd love for you to reconsider. Jasper loves you, and I love him. To have your child would be the closest thing to having his. I know it sounds messed up." Her hands were gripped tight together and she relaxed them and stared me straight in the eyes. "But that's not my concern right now. I don't care about any of that. I only want to find him and know that he's all right. I love him, Edward, even if he doesn't love me that way."

"But he does."

"No he doesn't, and I think you know that. He's afraid."

"Yeah, well I'm tired of hearing that."

"There's a lot of history there, and not just between the two of you."

I threw a cautious glance her way. "What exactly do you know?"

"More than even you know."

I exhaled, leaning back against the sofa. "I think we need a drink. Let me make a phone call and I'm all yours."

She laughed, but agreed. "Tea, please, if you have it." I was thinking more along the lines of something stronger, but that would do. I called my wife, letting her know I was running late, and made the tea before returning to the living room.

"Did you ever meet Jasper's real father?" she asked as we sipped from our cups.

"No, he died before I met Jasper."

"Apparently, he was some military hot-shot. A Colonel in the Army."

"Yeah, he's mentioned that before."

"He was a good man, if not a little strict. And Jasper worshipped him as a young boy," she explained.

"I got that impression from the few times he talked about him."

"His mother told me all of this," she said. "Because Jasper won't really talk about him. His father was an Army man through and through, and a God-fearing man as well. Which means he had some very keen ideals when it came to certain _kinds_ of people."

"And by 'kinds' you mean..."

"Yes. He was a bit of a bigot. Jasper's struggled with it his whole life. His mother shares some of those views too. Not to the same extent, but she's exchanged words on occasion with Alec."

I'd met Jasper's mother a few times. I'd never really known her though, and this kind of conversation didn't exactly come up around the dinner table. She was a Southern woman, and always kept the topic of conversation on respectable, neutral ground. I wondered if she had any idea about Jasper, and if not, I wondered what her reaction would be if and when she found out what her son was struggling with.

"Jasper was the first man in his family not to go into the military. You know how he is; he was never cut out for it. So all he's ever wanted to do was make up for that and make his dad proud even after his death and that's meant denying a lot of who he is. His father told him to 'carry on the family name,' you know, 'make him proud.' So when Jasper found out he couldn't have children... well you can imagine what was going on in that head of his."

I did know. I'd seen it in his face that night on the rooftop overlooking the city. He was torn up about so many things, I'd just assumed the wrong thing.

"He thought of himself as a failure on a whole other level, not just because of... well, you know." She quickly glanced at me and her face turned another shade of red. "He's hated himself. No one knows this, not even his mother," she added. "Jasper's not much for words."

"You could say that."

"I put two and two together from the stories she told me about his father. I think that was why Jasper gravitated toward Alec so much. He was trying to see for himself if Alec was a good person. He's been battling this inside of him for years. Maybe a part of me even knew when he asked me to marry him. I knew about you, and what you meant to him. Do you remember the day I met you? The day of your wedding?"

I remembered I hadn't seen Jasper in a few years and was surprised that he'd brought a date, and one that was so very different from his usual type.

"After the ceremony," she said, "I found him sitting in the back alley of the reception hall all by himself. He didn't know I was there watching him. He was crying. I had no idea why he was crying, but I knew it wasn't something he wanted to share with me, so I slipped back into the shadows and tried to forget what I'd seen. He'd cleaned himself up and eventually joined the party as if nothing was wrong. When you went to say goodbye to him, when you were leaving for your honeymoon, I saw the look in his eyes. And I knew."

I was definitely shocked by her confession, but I wasn't about to let her see it, so I asked the only obvious question. "Then why'd you marry him?"

"I loved him. He's a good man. And I was naïve and thought he'd change once he saw you were married."

"Did he?"

"He tried very hard... and I saw the changes. I guess he was just good at lying to himself and everyone around him. I thought a baby would help, so that's what we did. I became obsessed with the idea of having a child, and when you had your daughter, Jasper became obsessed too. I knew about the inner demons he was struggling with... and I did nothing to help him. I just pushed and pushed. I was the one who suggested he should ask you to help us. It was sick and twisted, I know, but I just wanted him to be happy, to have some part of you."

It was a lot to take in. It was messed up, all of it, more than I could've imagined. Jasper had a father he'd loved telling him he needed to be a man when everything he'd been taught told him he wasn't.

"I don't know what you expect me to do?" I said. "Thanks for telling me, but it's been a year. Things change."

"I know, Edward. I really didn't want to come here. I didn't want to talk to you. But I'm at the end of my rope here. Alec told me I should leave you alone and I never would've come to you if I wasn't desperate. I only want to see him happy... and I'm not sure anyone but you can make him happy."

"What do you want me to do? Anything you tell me won't change what's happened. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped."

"True enough, but I just have to ask?" The tears surfaced in her eyes again, but they didn't fall. "Do you still love him?"

My instincts told me to lie, and I found myself forming the word, but then I changed my mind. "It doesn't matter. We're too different to go back now."

"I don't know what it is about the two of you. I should be angry, I should be pissed off beyond belief at you, at him. I should feel betrayed, but I don't. I knew what I was getting myself into when I married him, and all I want to do is shake the living daylights out of the two of you!" She made the gesture like she was wringing my neck. "I'm so frustrated and hurt... and now I'm getting hysterical! You're idiots the both of you! Why the hell have you waited this long? Why now? When there was so much at stake? I just don't understand."

"That makes two of us."

"Is it wrong that I want to scratch your eyes out?" she asked, laughing through her tears.

"Yeah, well, the feeling was mutual about a year ago." We both continued to laugh... a moment of temporary insanity. I handed her another tissue, and we collected ourselves.

"I see why he married you," I said a little more somber. "But he's the one who needs to make a decision. Nothing you or I or Alec can say will help. And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure if I want him to come back here. Too much has happened."

"I'm sorry, Edward," she said and placed her hand on my knee. "For everything."

We talked some more, until I told her I had to pick up my kids. I saw that same ghost of pain in her eyes I'd seen in Jasper's when I mentioned my kids, and surprisingly my heart ached for her. We said our goodbyes with promises of phone calls and news if we heard anything from him and then she was gone and I was left with that same gut-wrenching ache I had tried my damndest to get rid of these past few months.

I put my hands in my pockets, remembering the tickets to the hockey game. I didn't want to feel guilty for wanting to take Jared to the game. I'd heard Jasper's story, and yeah, it cleared a lot of things up, but it still didn't change the fact that I loved someone who couldn't love me back or more importantly... who didn't want to love me back.


	15. Chapter 15

**~*Chapter Fifteen*~**

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* * *

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I spent the rest of the afternoon with the kids as planned. I tried to be present, to be there for them, but the afternoon ended up being a bit of a bust. My head was too distracted by the idea of Jasper missing to make it the afternoon I had planned for them. Between the pictures from Leah, and knowing a little more about Jasper's past, it was too much to take in with screaming kids at a park.

I called it a day, and dropped off the kids, apologizing to my wife for cutting the day short. It only took her one look at my face and she understood I needed time to myself. I made the decision to swallow my pride and go and see Alec. I still hadn't seen him since my fight with Jasper and I had to find out what the hell was going on. I wanted him to start explaining some things to me.

"I was wondering when you were going to turn up. You could only avoid me for so long." He frowned and pushed the door to his condo open to let me in. As I walked by him, he grabbed hold of my chin. "Healing up nicely, I see? Looks like you could've used a stitch or two." He patted my cheek, then patted my ass and shut the door.

I always liked being at his place. It wasn't at all what I'd expected. I thought his condo would be over the top just like him; loud and filled with colors and pictures of naked men, but it wasn't. It looked like it hadn't changed in quite a few years. Nothing seemed new or current, not even the colors, not that I would know too much about decorating, but I got such a sense of 'home' when I was here. It was comforting and I felt safe if that was even possible.

He wasn't surprised to see me. He'd given me my space since Jasper, and I was grateful for that. He knew I'd come to him when I was ready, it was only a matter of time. I sat down on his couch and watched his expression. For the first time since I'd met Alec, he looked tired. Even his clothing was dark, not the typical bright colors he always adorned himself with. I don't know why, but it troubled me.

He gave me another sad smile, and told me he was ordering take out, knowing we had a lot to discuss. We kept the conversation light while we ate and filled each other in on our weeks and any other news that was drama free. He wasn't his usual self, he was sort of solemn with me and I kept waiting for him to break into a song and dance to make me feel better, but he didn't. Instead, his expression remained long and drawn out.

After we finished eating, we moved to sit on the balcony. It was about the only place that looked recently updated. He'd spared no expense with it and the decorating of it was definitely Alec's hand. It was overflowing with tasteful, colorful garden decorations and tropical plants, which I assumed were fake given the chill in the air. Every space was filled and there was a sitting area with a chair and a swinging two-seater with lush cushions. He lit some candles, and we sunk into the swing, rocking back and forth. With the sounds of the traffic far below us, it was rather peaceful.

"Why didn't you tell me he'd gone M.I.A?" I asked, watching the sun set in the distance.

"So she came to see you then?" Alec said, and sighed. "I told her not to... not to bother you, but I knew she wouldn't listen to me."

"Why, Alec?"

"I didn't want you to worry. You've went through enough with him so I thought I could take care of this. I've got some feelers out, people looking for him," he said. "He's not in a good place right now. And he's a little destructive. He'll surface eventually... when he wants to."

"So you saw him then?" I asked.

"After that night he clocked you one, he came here, his knuckles were bruised and bleeding." Alec turned his lip up in disgust.

"That was almost two weeks ago. Why didn't you tell me?" I was angrier than I should've been with him. I'd been avoiding him, but he hadn't even tried to call. I knew he was only looking out for me, and besides, I'd told him repeatedly I didn't want to hear anything about Jasper. But this was different.

"I wanted to give you some time to process everything. I didn't think you needed to hear what happened. He was a mess, Edward. He was cruel and vicious, and it wasn't something I wanted to share."

"Alec," I said, "I think I need to know. I'm done being coddled."

"Okay, but keep an open mind," he said, patting my knee. "He wasn't right in the head when he came here. Whatever you two fought about, whatever you said, must have been heavy. It's between you and him, and since you don't want to go into any details, I won't ask."

I took a deep breath, stretching my legs out while I placed my hands behind my head. "Let's just say it wasn't pretty."

"No shit, Sherlock," he said laughing. "With the two of you so jacked up on testosterone and all that sexual tension? Mmmhmm. I'm surprised all you ended up with was a bloody lip. Men would pay good money to see that action... me included."

"I'm surprised I didn't throw the first punch, or any punch for that matter."

"Well," he said eyeing me up, "I was surprised you let him in the door." He was almost back to his former self, but then he folded his hands together placing them in his lap and his sad expression returned. "When Leah called to tell me he turned up at the studio, I was hoping for the best. When I didn't hear from you... well... I expected the worst. Your mother filled me in on the rest."

"I didn't want to talk about it. I'm sorry I didn't call."

"I know," he said. "As much as I abhor violence, I think you two needed that."

"What? I needed to be punched in the face?"

"No, but what do you think hurt more? His punch or your words?"

"Alec..."

"Sorry, Hon, but I don't need to know what was said to guess it was pretty harsh. I'm as proud as a big ol' gay peacock struttin' his feathers at the poof parade, and my nephew may deserve everything that's come his way, but the truth is... we all know where your heart still lies, but do you know where his does?"

"Isn't that the point? He won't fucking talk to me about it."

"When he turned up, I really thought he might've come around. I'm hardly ever wrong on these things, but I'm sad to say I might be on this one. It's all rooted pretty deep."

"He's not the person I fell in love with."

He smiled a little smile and said, "I suppose he isn't. And I saw that the night he was here. But he wouldn't have taken off if there wasn't some truth to what you two fought about."

"So what did happen?"

He sighed. "He came here screaming at me for polluting you, and manipulating you to be like me. He called me every name in the book—nothing I haven't heard before, mind you—and I knew he didn't really mean it, but it was hurtful all the same. He said he'd never be a _fag_ like me and he'd never let me turn him into one like I did with you." He squeezed my knee and gave me another half-assed smile.

His words shot straight to the heart, and travelled down to my gut. I blew out a deep breath. "Wow, no pulling punches there." After hearing some of the truths from Jasper's wife, I sort of understood where his anger was coming from, but still, it was hard to take.

"He's messed up, Sweetheart, and there's nothing you or I can do to help right now. He's got to let go of all that anger somehow, and I thought it was best if you didn't have to hear any of that. He's hurt and confused and lashing out at any one to blame other than himself."

"Do you think he meant it? Do you think he believes that?"

"I don't think he meant to be so callous, no, and as far as him believing the words? He's bottled it up so tight all these years, it was bound to blow. I know you don't want to believe it, but it was a big turning point for him. You've had almost ten months of this, he might be a late bloomer, or maybe not. But it's up to him, now. There's nothing else you can do."

"You're not telling me everything. I know you're holding something back. I can see it in your eyes."

"And I'm not going to tell you either. I've heard some rumblings, nothing concrete. He's still in the city, that's all I know for sure."

Jasper was still in the city. I think I already knew this. I don't know how or why, but I knew he wasn't far. It was odd, but I'd even felt like someone was watching my comings and goings this past week. I thought it was my paranoia, but maybe not.

"I don't want you to go looking for him either."

"You know I can't I say that I won't," I said.

"Edward, you have to trust me on this. I've got people looking for him. It won't do either of you any good if you go looking for him."

"I just don't fucking get it... all of it. I mean, in Chicago he was _there_, you know? I never would have gone through with it if I didn't really believe him."

"Sometimes loving someone isn't enough."

"Yeah, but... fuck, I just don't get it. I know about his dad, but how can he have that much power over Jasper all these years later? The man's dead!" I said, shaking my head.

"Listen, he's still a scared little boy who worshipped a father like any son does at that age. You know his mother's had a revolving door when it comes to husbands. And none of them have been hot shit... my brother included. He has an ideal in his head about his dad, and from what I've heard about the man, well... Jasper never knew the real side of him, the side that was a mean-spirited, hateful man. He was too young. You wouldn't know what it's like to desperately want the approval of your father. Dead or alive, it doesn't make a difference. _Your_ father..." He wriggled his eyebrows and grinned, to which I rolled my eyes, ignoring his insinuations that my father was a "beefcake."

"You have a relationship with your father that every gay boy on the verge of coming out dreams of having."

"Hardly," I scoffed. "And his father died years ago."

"Which is why he's still so messed up. He never had that father figure to tell him differently... to tell him he's okay. Lord, I tried, but coming from me it's not the same. And then to find out he was shooting blanks? He was devastated."

"Why didn't he tell me when he found out?"

"Pride. It's a hard thing to hear you don't work properly. And now he's trying to be a man anyway he knows how. I suppose that's why he's doing what he's doing."

"And what is he doing, exactly?" I prompted him, hoping to get some more information.

"He ain't singing Kumbaya around a campfire, that's for sure." He rolled his eyes at me. "I'm not telling you, besides, it's all speculation at this point and I don't want you getting involved."

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the swing so the sound of the squeaking would fill the silence between us. If anything, I was more intent on finding him now.

"I mean it, Edward."

We sat for a few moments before I had to ask the question, "So, what do I do then?"

"You keep doing what you're doing," he said and slapped my leg. "Give him some space. I can't say you'll never be friends again, but it's best to leave things alone right now. No point in stirring up a hornet's nest and getting stung more than you already have been."

Jasper's words had stung. I also knew Alec was holding back. I'm sure there were a lot more derogatory things Jasper had said, and Alec was sparing me from the real words that were exchanged. I saw the look in Jasper's eyes when he was at my apartment when I forced him to hear the things I wanted from him, so I can only imagine what he'd said to Alec to lash out. I also knew the drawn out look on his face wasn't for me. He was worried for Jasper, more than he was letting on.

"Alec... I'm sorry."

"It's no skin off my back." He waved his hand in dismissal.

"No... I mean, I'm sorry for everything. I don't know where I'd be without you and you don't deserve any of this." Jasper's behavior with Alec was shocking. Yeah, he was in a shitty place but it didn't give him the right to attack a man who'd done nothing but try to help the two of us. "It's my fault and I've ruined your relationship with your nephew."

"Edward! Nonsense," he scoffed. "Nothing's ruined. He'll come around, and if he doesn't, it's his loss. I can't control someone else's actions and neither can you."

"Fuck... I don't want to care about him," I said with a frustrated sigh. "Do you think he's all right?"

"Hard to say. He's a grown man and is allowed to make his own decisions, regardless how wrong they are," he said. "You can't stay in this holding pattern, Edward. As much as I hate to say it, I think it's time you moved on."

That was something I wasn't expecting to hear. Not from him anyway. I was hoping someone would tell me it was time to let him go, but I never expected it to be Alec. My heart was in my throat. "I'm not sure I can," I said. "Will it ever go away?"

"I can't answer that, Sweetheart." He smiled, and his eyes seemed to float away into another thought. He raised his hand to cup my cheek, and I didn't move, or even try to squirm away. This was a turning point for me.

"You are so much like him," he said.

I knew he didn't mean Jasper. "Your husband, Marcus, right?" Jared told me a little about Alec's marriage. He didn't offer much, respecting Alec's privacy, but from the little he did tell me, Marcus' death was long and drawn out and took a huge toll on everyone in their lives.

He shook his head as though he was waking up from a day dream. "Now, how did you know that?"

"You're not the only one with 'ways.'" I tried to laugh to make light of the fact I'd been digging into his personal life. "He was sick, wasn't he?" I said, my voice a little more grave. He nodded, and the pain etched across his face.

"It's been a long time since these feelings surfaced. It must be you, Edward. You remind me of him." He sighed, but it was a happy sigh. "He really was remarkable." He leaned back into the couch, and his shoulders relaxed. I think this was the first time I'd ever seen him slouch. He sighed again. "He also loved someone who didn't love him back... but then he met me. And we spent ten glorious years together. Unfortunately the damage had already been done. I think that's why you boys mean so much to me. Jared, the others, and especially you and Jasper... careless mistakes happen. It can happen in a heartbeat, and you end up paying with your life. I wouldn't want to see you make the same mistake as my Marcus. No one should have to go through that." He paused for a moment and his voice was thick when he continued. "We knew he was sick when we married. But that kind of love transcends all that. If we couldn't be together in that way, then we wanted to be together in another—in the eyes of God."

I reached over and took his gold-ring-covered hand and held it in mine. We sat on his swinging couch, our heads resting against the back staring up at the sky and we just sat there together for some time. I waited for him to tell me more about him, but he didn't, perhaps another time when he was ready.

"I saw the pictures," Alec said, his voice soft and tender. "My boy loves you, there's no denying that. It was in every one of those photos. But I think you might have to accept he may never come around. He's not ready to admit anything to himself." The chair swung a few more swings and then he said, "I can tell you this though, any man to win your heart is one lucky S.O.B." He let go of my hand and turned toward me. He grabbed hold of my cheeks, pressing them together like I was a child. "_You've _got to make a decision. Wait for someone who may never admit he wants to be with you or you can start living your life by breaking gay boys' hearts all over this city."

He slapped my cheeks and my eyes opened wide in shock. He smiled and said, "Mimosa?" He went back inside and started pouring himself something to drink. This was typical Alec. We talked all the heavy stuff out and then an instant later, things were dropped, forgotten and off the table. Mimosas... a nice quick fix to everything, well at least according to Alec.

**~*.*~**

I left Alec's with a heavy heart and eventually found myself standing in front of Jared's apartment. I wanted to apologize to him for the other night and Alec's words were in my head like an incessant buzzing, plus I still had those tickets. He was surprised to see me. It was later than I thought, and I felt bad for disturbing him, but he assured me it was fine. He'd had a long day and was just winding down before he went to bed.

"Wine?" he asked, after taking my coat from me. I glanced to the table where his half-filled glass sat next to a book. Music was playing and the lights were low with a few candles glowing around the room. His place looked different from the last time I was here. When I thought about a gay man's apartment, this was more how I'd imagined it.

"Ah... sure... if it's no trouble."

"No trouble at all." He was wearing what looked like pajamas; cotton pants and a tight fitting white T-shirt. I couldn't help but notice his physique. Thinner than mine, but still lean and he was definitely fit. His feet were bare and he had his contacts out of his eyes and was wearing some stylish, thick, black framed glasses.

"I'm sorry for dropping by at this hour... without calling. I was at Alec's and didn't want to go home and then found myself in front of your building."

"No problem," he said. "I'm just sorry you've now seen how lame I actually am." I laughed with him as he passed me a wine glass. "Red, okay?"

"Fine, thank you." We sat on the couch and Jared lowered the volume on the stereo. I was starting to second guess my visit, but then remembered I had something to give him. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the tickets holding them up in front of my face. "An apology, for the other night."

"A playoff game?" His eyes lit up and he sat his glass down reaching for the tickets. "Are you kidding me? Man, I've never sat in a box!" He studied them and then his face fell.

"What?"

"Shit. It figures. I'm out of town that weekend. I have a conference to go to. Just my luck," he said, handing them back to me. "Thank you, though."

I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but for him, not for me. "I'll see if I can switch them up for another game." Which was probably a long stretch, but I'd still try.

"No worries if you can't. Just make sure you take someone who'll appreciate it as much as I would've. And _don't _take Alec! Please... I'm begging you. That would be such a waste."

"Deal. I'll probably end up going with my dad, anyway."

"How are things with your folks?"

"Like they've always been. I know I'm lucky. It's a bit awkward with my dad. Can't imagine it's been easy for him, but he hides it well."

"So where's your head at?" he asked taking a sip of his wine.

"My wife and I finally filed for divorce, so that was a big step." He nodded, understanding. "We're working out the details. I'm actually going to take the kids in the days until they're in school full-time. We're not hurting for money, and I don't know what I want to do yet, so it works." His eyebrows rose over the frame of his glasses, waiting for me to get to what he was really asking. "Things finally feel right."

"And Jasper?"

I ran my hands through my hair, letting out a nervous chuckle. "Fuck, I don't know. No one knows where he is. We're all worried sick about him, and I'm fucking tired of it all. I don't want to care, but that's like asking me not to breathe. I've known him for over twelve years, and I think I've loved him since the moment he walked into our dorm room. But, fuck, I want to beat the shit out of him right now."

"I can see that," he said laughing. "Do you think he'll be back?"

"Who knows. After what he's done to me, and to Alec, I'm not sure if I want him to."

"Yeah, you do."

"I really don't. With him, there's always this turmoil of all kinds of shit and emotion. It clouds things. And..." I stopped not sure if I wanted to say what was on my mind.

"And...?"

"Well, and now it's different. You know...with you. I'm sitting here and I realize I'm at ease. There's none of that shit that weighs me down."

"Don't get me wrong, Edward, I'm flattered you're comfortable with me, but it's not exactly what someone wants to hear. Comfortable is easy, and love sure as hell is anything but. Love, lust, whatever it is, is supposed to be that fucked up array of emotions. That's what gives us passion."

"But it's _so fucking exhausting_."

"Yeah... and totally worth it." He was laughing at me, but it was a kind laugh. "I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't jealous of Jasper. Even if the man's clearly an idiot."

"Alec thinks I should move on. I think he's given up on him."

"And what about you? Have you given up on him?

"_I'd _be lying if I said yes. Honestly? It changes from minute to minute. I can't decide. I want to move on. It's been almost a year, so I think it's time, but a part of me thought all of... _this..." _I said, hoping he understood what I meant by 'this.' "...Would be easier with him. It was supposed to be with him. I thought it would feel right and I'm not sure if it is without him."

We were staring at each other from opposite ends of the couch. It was only a few feet, but it might as well have been a mile. My stomach did its typical flip-flops, and my ears did their familiar burn. I was just grateful for the low lighting so he didn't have to see my embarrassment.

"He has no idea what's waiting for him," he said under his breath. He pushed away from the arm of the couch, moving closer toward me. "I'm going to kiss you," he said inches away from me. My body clenched, but I leaned forward to meet his lips despite the turmoil going on inside of me.

It was soft at first, tender, but then his head tilted and the frame of his glasses pressed up against my cheek and he pushed his tongue between my lips. The urgency built and everything became frantic. I found myself starting to slide down the leather couch until I was almost lying down. He was hovering above me and his thigh came to rest between mine. The fabric on his pants was thin, and I felt him when he shifted his weight. Everything happened so fast, and it wasn't long before my cock was reacting to his kiss.

"I thought you said you didn't want to—"

"Fuck that," he breathed, taking his glasses off and he pushed his hips against mine. The pressure caused me to groan and he smiled, moving his mouth to my neck. "Just once, Edward, if you want to," he said between kisses.

My hand moved to his hip and I could almost feel his smooth skin through the thin fabric. I gripped his backside, pushing him down while I lifted my hips to meet his. I was hard, we both were, and I cursed letting him know I wanted it... just not sure what "it" meant for him.

He reached for my belt, and of course my thoughts flashed to the night in Chicago. I tried to hide it and buried my head into the side of his neck instead, kissing and licking while he undid my jeans. I moaned, breathing into his skin when he grabbed hold of me underneath my boxers and a stream of expletives left my mouth which caused him to chuckle. He had a hold of me and slowly started to move his hand down the length of me. He pumped my cock, but stayed well away from the tip. I wasn't sure if he was teasing me or not, but it was maddening and I found myself bucking my hips to try and get his hand to slide all the way up and down. My head fell back against the couch, and I let him work me until I was wishing he'd put his mouth on me, anything to give me the satisfaction I needed.

Instead, he reached for my hand, and directed it between us pushing his cock into it. He was thicker than Jasper, and when I undid the strings on his pants and reached inside to take hold of him, I realized he was uncircumcised, which kind of threw me. I'd never really been up close and personal to one, let alone felt one. My head was racing, and my head wouldn't stop comparing him to Jasper, but with his hand on me it outweighed any other thought I had and I let my cock take over. I mirrored his actions, happy to let him direct me, and it wasn't long before we both slipped into a rhythm.

It was fast and manic at first while we struggled to get comfortable on the couch and in a position where we both had room to move. He was pumping me fast, finally covering my cock like I so desperately wanted him to. He was moving up and down, squeezing and pulling, and every so often his palm would graze my tip and I'd groan in pleasure. My hand matched his and when he sped up, I did too. I was throbbing and it wouldn't be long. I was trying to stay in the moment, but it was difficult not to think of the last time I'd done this. I was lying to myself trying to convince me I didn't want this to be Jasper's hand right now.

"Fuck, J—" I stopped myself from saying Jasper's name, and I knew Jared didn't hear me because there was no hesitation with him. His mouth came over mine, and he sucked on my bottom lip, breathing heavily while our hands continued in a fury of movement.

"I'm going to come," I whispered, panting into his neck. I was disappointed with myself for not lasting longer. It had been so long since someone had touched me and combine that with the added element of awkwardness, my cock was ready to blow. He squeezed my balls as they tightened up, and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. I grunted one last time and came all over my stomach, narrowly missing the bottom of my shirt.

His hand slowed, stroking me softly while he finished me off and mine slowed as well.

"Don't stop. I'm close," he said, pleading for me to continue.

He pushed his hips forward and I reached for his balls like he had with me. I stroked him hard and fast, and was amazed when I felt the familiar tightening underneath the palm of my hand. I copied his move and squeezed him gently. I felt every muscle in his body tense before he shook in response and let out a long drawn out curse. He'd come all over my hand, moments after I had all over his. We were a mess, plain and simple. He started to laugh, a deep throaty sound, and he bit his lip while he stared down at me.

"I feel like I'm in high school again," he said, looking at the mess on his hand. "I haven't done that in a long time."

My pants and boxers were resting mid thigh, and the belt buckle clinked as I tried to sit up with only one hand. His pants had fallen to his knees and I tried not to stare at his cock, but he saw me. We both laughed at my naiveté. We really did look like two teenagers going at it in their parent's basement trying not to get caught.

"I knew I bought a leather couch for a reason." He grinned at me and stood up, carefully trying to avoid making a further mess. He went to the bathroom and I heard the tap running, and when he came out he had a towel in his hand for me. "Here," he said still laughing and threw it at me.

"You know... this isn't why I came over," I said, walking to the bathroom.

"Yes it is."

I stuck my head around the doorjamb and opened my mouth in shock.

"You've wanted me to do that since I rescued you from Heidi at the wedding."

I realized he was joking even though there was some truth to it, but I went with it and said, "Guilty. Just the thought of her claws near my dick..." I pretended to shudder.

He grinned again. "So it's official, then."

I cleared my throat, and hesitated for a second before answering, "Yeah, I guess it is," and instantly I felt a little lighter.

We'd cleaned up, and had some more laughs at our behavior, until eventually I told him I needed to get home. I stood at his doorway, waiting for him to get my coat. I was actually feeling a little euphoric about all the revelations I had come to and was smiling lazily at him. He returned my smile, handing me my jacket and pulled me into a kiss.

"I know you imagined his hand, not mine," he said against my mouth. I pulled back, and felt the color drain from my face. "Don't, don't apologize. That's not why I said it. I'm okay with it, but this can't happen again. Can you understand that?"

We said goodbye, sharing one last kiss and I couldn't help thinking it was a different kind of goodbye other than 'I'll see you later.'


	16. Chapter 16

**~*Chapter Sixteen*~**

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It was Friday, which meant a half-day with the kids in the morning, but they were gone now, and I was trying to decide what I should do with the rest of my day. It looked like it was going to rain, so it limited my decision. Maybe an afternoon on the computer was what I needed. Rainy day and porn, a perfect combination, I thought as I finished up the lunch dishes.

It had been two weeks since my evening with Jared, and I was wrong about our goodbye. True to his word, it hadn't happened again, but surprisingly, we'd become good friends, and we never had to share that uncomfortable, awkward post-hook-up conversation. It was Jared who called me the next day asking if I wanted to meet up with him and some friends for drinks. I hadn't expected his call, but he seemed to understand everything I was going through and everything I needed, especially from him. I needed a friend, and he said he was happy to fill that role. He also told me he'd never settle at being a second choice for anyone, not even me. I wanted to give him more, but we both knew I couldn't— at least not right now. I enjoyed his company and the company of his friends. My nights were filling up, and I was beginning to crave the rare evenings home alone. They were starting to become a luxury.

Still no word from Jasper and that feeling of being watched had disappeared as well, ever since the night I'd been at Alec's. I'd been thinking about what Alec had said, 'he'd surface when he wanted to,' but it was hard to ignore the fact that he'd abandoned everyone who loved him. I never listened to Alec. I did my own searching, but Jasper didn't want to be found. Of course I imagined the worst. It's what you do when you worry about somebody you love. He was a selfish bastard and more than anything I wanted to convince myself I was done caring.

The lunch dishes were finished and I was cleaning the rest of the apartment, knowing my dad was going to be here tomorrow before the game. I'd just sat down and turned the laptop on when I heard that dreaded knock on the door. _Fuck! Does no one call anymore?_ I thought, as I walked to the hallway. I was getting a little tired of the unexpected visitors at my door. I peeked through the eyehole and caught my breath. I wasn't sure how much more my heart could take of these surprise visits... a little warning would have been nice. I couldn't see his face because his head was down and the collar from his jacket was up to protect himself from the wind, but I saw the ends of his hair sticking out from under his hat. He never wore ball caps, and I was surprised to see him wearing one.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, opening the door. My voice was surprisingly steady even though my legs were shaking while I stood in the doorway. My arms spread across the doorjamb, signaling this wasn't an open invitation to come in. I was relieved to see him, and a part of me wanted to embrace him fiercely knowing he was all right, but the other part of me was still incredibly pissed at him for what he'd put everyone through. I didn't give a shit what he did to me, but Alec didn't deserve any of it.

"I didn't know where else to go," he mumbled under his hat. He'd graduated from the hang-ups to the ambivalent drop-ins, and both were still annoying.

"Yeah? Well, fuck off and go back to Chicago. Your wife is looking for you," I said and slammed the door shut. Once I was safely behind it, my knees gave out and I stumbled against the wall. "Fuck!" I cursed with my hands over my face. He couldn't keep doing this to me, and I couldn't keep letting him.

I went to the cupboard and poured myself a drink. The glass hovered next to my lips while I tried to make the decision if I really wanted to drink it or not. It wouldn't solve anything, and it only meant that I was still weak when it came to him. I hated myself in that moment and threw the glass against the wall and it shattered, raining glass and whiskey all over the kitchen.

I went to the bedroom, leaving the mess and threw myself on to the bed. I tossed and turned while I thought of him and what it meant for him to show up on my doorstep. I didn't want him here. I had come to terms with who I was, and I couldn't go back to the pathetic fool I was just months ago. He was the only person who had the power to destroy everything I'd built in this new life. Eventually my mind quieted and I fell into a deep slumber.

The room was dark when I woke and there was a chill in the air. I was disoriented, having fallen asleep with my clothes on, but I caught a faint smell of whiskey and remembered what happened. Reluctantly, I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom, threw some water on my face and noticed my bloodshot eyes. I really was pathetic.

"Get a grip, Cullen," I said into the mirror.

It was past dinnertime, I'd slept the better part of the day away. I saw it had rained while I was asleep, so I turned the heat up just to take the chill off, and grabbed the broom from the closet. The whiskey had dried, and it had taken a lot of time to clean up the mess, but I managed to avoid any disasters with the cut glass. I looked in the fridge to see what there was to eat, but I knew I couldn't eat. I wasn't hungry for food and grabbed a soda instead. The tab clicked open and my phone started ringing. I should have called Alec as soon as Jasper turned up on my doorstep, and it was more than likely him telling me as much. I glanced at the caller ID and groaned.

"Hello, Mrs. Potts," I answered.

"Edward, dear," she said. "Are you home? I see your living room light is on."

"Yes, I'm home. You called my home number," I said a little annoyed. "Did you need something?" She was a sweet, old lady, even though she was a busy body who knew everything going on in the building. I think she sat in front of her window and watched the courtyard as her own personal entertainment, like the tenants were characters in a TV show.

"No, no, I'm fine. I was just about to call the police, but I thought I'd check with you first. There's a man sitting outside your apartment. He's been sitting there all afternoon in the rain. I thought he was waiting for you, but when I saw your lights turn on..." She was rambling on about other stuff, but I tuned her out. I hadn't heard anything else she said, for my heart was in my throat. Jasper was still there.

She told me she had a gun if I needed it, which I assured her a gun wasn't needed... at least not at this time. I quickly thanked her and hung up the phone telling her I'd take care of it and not to worry.

It was early June, but for the past week the nights had been cold and with the rain even colder. He'd been sitting outside for a few hours. I threw open the door and found him sitting with his back against the brick wall and his arms wrapped around his knees. He was wet and blue and shivering.

"Come on, get inside. The neighbors are about to call the police." I helped him stand up, feeling his muscles strain through his jacketed arm. It unnerved me even more. He had trouble walking, his joints had seized up, but I sat him down in the chair and went to the kitchen to grab the whiskey bottle and a glass.

"Here. Drink this."

He accepted the drink with a grateful thank you and slowly sipped it. He gasped a little and choked. I wanted to say it... I wanted to joke like we usually did, but I couldn't.

Instead, I asked, "Why are you still here?"

His head was down and his teeth were still chattering. "I have nowhere to go," he managed to say. He gripped the glass tighter and I noticed his knuckles. There were cuts and bruises on every one of them. I couldn't stop myself from staring. His clothes were wet, but I could tell he'd been wearing them for a few days. There were some dark patches on his jeans that looked a lot like blood. He'd been in a fight... and a good one by the looks of it.

"You can't keep showing up like this. What if my kids were here?"

"I waited until I knew they were gone." He finally lifted his head to look at me and I went pale. The hat he was wearing was there to hide the bruises. He had a deep cut across his nose, and it looked like it might have been broken, but I couldn't be sure. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. His face was covered in patches of long uneven hair and with the bruising it made him seem rough, sick almost. He caught me staring at him and glanced away when our eyes met.

"What the fuck happened?" I asked with a sigh.

"It's nothing... I shouldn't have come." He started to get up and it looked like it was painful for him.

"Sit down," I said annoyed. "Did you go to the hospital?" He shook his head, 'no.' "I'll call my dad."

"Don't. I'm okay. Nothing's broken, maybe a few bruised ribs."

"How do you know?"

"I'm fine. Please don't call him." He looked up at me with pleading eyes.

I reached for my cell phone and started dialing before he could say anything further. "He's in the city this week. He's consulting on a case."

"Hey," I said into the phone.

"Edward, I was just going to call and see if you wanted dinner. I'm going to have to cancel on you tomorrow night so I wanted to make up for it. I've finished a day early here, but I was hoping to see you before I head back home."

"Umm..." I hesitated for a second and of course he picked up on it.

"What's happened? What's wrong?"

"Can you swing by my place? Bring your bag?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine... it's Jasper."

"I'll be right there. Hold tight." He disconnected the call and I gave a grim look to Jasper. I expected him to protest, but he didn't which made me think he was in more pain than he was admitting.

I relaxed back into the couch, knowing we'd have some time before my dad arrived. I was waiting for an explanation which it didn't seem like he was going to volunteer so I prompted him. "Why me? Out of everyone, why'd you come here?"

"I don't know."

"I'm just a _fag_, or did you forget that so soon?" His face turned a deeper shade of red under the bruising. I sighed. "Look, Jasper... I can't have you turning up on my doorstep like this whenever you're feeling guilty or confused... or when you're all fucked up."

"I know," he whispered.

"I'm gay, Jasper." It was the first time I'd said it aloud and it was exhilarating. I owned those words and I knew damn well he hadn't expected me to say that. "Do you understand that? I know who I am, do you?" I asked. He remained silent. "That's what I thought." I stood up. I didn't have anything else to say to him.

"It's different this time," he pleaded.

"Why should I believe you?"

"It just is," he said taking another sip of whisky.

"What happened to your face? Where've you been all this time?"

He fidgeted with the cuff of his shirt. His jeans were soaked through and his jacket had done nothing to keep his body dry. He was shivering, but I didn't think it was from his wet clothes.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"No, of course you don't," I said mocking him. "Your answer to everything."

"I fucked up, okay? I'm fucked up! You don't understand." He sat the whiskey down and put the palms of his hands to his eyes, wincing from the swelling around his nose.

"I do understand. It's Colonel Whitlock messing with your fucking head. What's so wrong? What's so wrong with being with me?" I went to my desk, pulling out the brown envelope. "Here," I said, throwing the photos at him.

He lowered his hands and stared at the envelope for a few breaths before carefully opening the flap. His hands were shaking as he lifted the pictures out. He started looking through them one by one, until he got to the series of photos where he was telling stories. He stopped, studying each photo with an intensity made up of compassion and confusion. We were both so quiet that when one single tear slipped from his eye and fell onto the photo with a 'plop' it seemed to echo around the room.

"What's so wrong with that?" I asked softly, sitting down across from him.

"I don't want to be this way anymore."

"Then what do you want, Jasper?" It was hard to see the man I'd loved all these years sitting in front of me a shell of his former self. I missed the cocky bastard who was my roommate, the confident one who was always so self-assured. This man in front of me was nothing of the man I knew. "I can't read your mind."

"I want to go back to the way things were."

I sighed again, frustrated by the circles we were going in. "We can't, you know that."

"No." He raised his face, letting me see his bloodshot eyes. "Back to that night in the alley. Back to the night I sat in your bedroom watching you sleep. Everything seemed simpler then. It was just you and me and there wasn't all this shit that's gotten in the way. No marriages, no wives, no kids... just you and me. If I'd just... if I'd just woken you up... there'd be none of this _shit_ in the way!"

He closed his eyes again, and his hands were gripping his knees. "You asked me 'why.' Why I went through with it that night. And at the time, I didn't know. I really did think it would be enough. Just that one night, I wanted it to be enough." His teeth were chattering while his entire body convulsed. "But...it wasn't enough."

I leaned forward and placed my hand over his. He flinched, jumping away from my touch and I saw his face tense up as his eyes snapped open.

I dropped my hand and stood up... his reaction made my decision easy for me. "I can't take all this fucking wavering, Jasper. There's always going to be shit in the way. That's just the way life works. And we've got a lot of shit. I can't wait for you, only for you to tell me you can't do this again. If you won't even let me touch you behind closed doors when you're pouring your fucking heart out to me, then you've made it quite clear how you feel about the idea of us. I'm done, Jasper. You can sort yourself out, but I won't be a part of it. It's not fair to me."

He shivered again.

I picked up the glass from the table, letting him know the conversation was over. "You can wait until my dad gets here to check you out, but after that you need to leave, for good."

With perfect timing, my dad knocked on the door. I let him in and his face was filled with worry, just like I'd expected it to be.

"Hey, son," he said embracing me. He gave me a look that asked if I was all right and I nodded, throwing my head in the direction of the living room.

He took a deep breath and carried his medical bag into the living room.

"Well, let's see the damage," he said to Jasper, his tone was light but with an edge. He'd always liked Jasper. After our first year of College, Jasper spent the summer with us and the two of them bonded over chess, something I was never really in to. They spent quite a few summer nights over Bourbon and strategic plays. I remember being quite envious of their evenings together.

Jasper wouldn't raise his eyes to look at him, instead he continued to shiver in response.

My dad opened his bag, pulling out a light and knelt down beside him. "Can I get you to take your hat off?" he asked. Jasper reluctantly obliged and that was when we noticed the large lump on his forehead near his hairline.

"When did this happen? How long ago?" my dad asked him.

Jasper cleared his throat. "Last night... after midnight?"

"Any dizziness? Nausea?"

"A little after it happened."

"Do you know if you blacked out?"

"I don't think so... maybe."

"Were you drinking?"

Jasper looked from me to my dad. "Yes, sir."

My dad shone the light in Jasper's eyes and asked him to follow his finger. Jasper was now shaking uncontrollably and it was hard for my dad to continue. "Edward, will you get him some dry clothes? A towel and some thick blankets too."

Jasper started to protest as I left the room, stating he shouldn't even be here. My father's voice was firm when he spoke. "Sit down, son." I stood in the hallway, out of sight, and listened to the rest of the exchange. "I think you've caused enough trouble with my family, so you'll show me the courtesy and do as I say."

"Yesssir," Jasper mumbled.

I heard my dad ask him to remove his clothing and then I left the hallway to rifle through my closet looking for clothes. I settled on some sweats for him and wool socks. My arms were filled with blankets and clothing when I finally walked back into the room to find Jasper sitting on the arm of the couch in a pair of boxers and a white undershirt. He was hunched over and with the wet shirt it seemed like he was skin and bones. He wouldn't meet either of our eyes, and kept his head lowered. I placed the blankets and clothing on the coffee table and stepped back with my arms folded waiting for someone to say something. My dad straightened up and looked from me to Jasper and then put the pen light in his pocket.

"Edward, I'm going to need you to go to the hospital pharmacy and pick up some pills. I'll call it in so they'll be expecting you and you shouldn't have any trouble."

"Really?" I asked and I saw Jasper's shoulders tense. I definitely was not comfortable about leaving the two of them here on their own. I didn't want my dad talking with Jasper, asking questions I didn't want shared. "Don't you have something in your bag?"

"Not what I need, no. It won't take you long, and I should be finished up by the time you get back." He gave me a look that clearly told me it was an order, and from the tone in his voice, there was no arguing my way out of this one. I turned on my heel, biting my tongue and grabbed my jacket while I headed for the door. It was raining and windy and turning out to be a miserable night all around.

With the traffic and the rain and the hospital pharmacy not having the prescription ready, it had taken almost two hours to go there and back and I was extremely annoyed and frustrated.

"Hey," I said, wiping off the water droplets from my jacket and hung it up in the closet. My dad was sitting in the chair, nursing a Bourbon, and Jasper was nowhere to be seen.

"He's in your bedroom. I gave him something to sleep." I looked at the discarded tissues that covered the coffee table and he followed my eyes. "He's a little shaken up."

I held up the white paper bag and asked, "Does he need one of these?"

"No, you can save those for the kids," he said smiling.

"Wha—" I ripped open the bag and inside was a bottle of children's chewable vitamins.

"I called and asked them to throw the vitamins in a bag and seal it up. I might've asked them to take their time with it."

I felt my anger rising. "You made me go all the way down there for no fucking reason?"

"Watch your mouth," he said eyeing me. "And it was for a lot of reasons. One of which was to talk with him without you present." He gave me another smile and I could have sworn there was some cheek to it. I ignored him.

"Why? What did you say?"

"It's between him and me."

I stood in front of him towering over him while he sat in the chair. Even my imposing height wouldn't win me this battle, so I settled with the only question I knew he would answer. "Is he all right?"

"He might have had a concussion, it's hard to tell, but he seems fine now. His ribs are bruised, none broken luckily, same with his nose."

"So what happened?"

"I'm assuming a bar fight, but from the looks of the bruising, last night wasn't the first."

I collapsed into the chair, exhausted and fed up with everything. "Where's he been?"

"That... he wouldn't tell me."

I raised my eyebrows wondering exactly what they did talk about.

"I called your mother," he said, changing the subject. "She's worried of course, and wants to talk with you when you get a chance."

"You told her?" I asked. My tone was a little exasperated.

"Hey, your mother and I have no secrets."

"Great."

"I'll be heading back tonight. I'm sorry about cancelling on you for tomorrow, but from the looks of things you'll have your hands full."

"Oh, he's not staying."

"He needs to rest. He's exhausted, physically and emotionally."

"Fine. He can rest, but you said he's okay. So when he wakes up? He's gone. I don't want him here."

"That's your decision," he said and sipped his Bourbon, keeping his thoughts to himself. He always did this. He always left me to make my own decisions and never tried to sway me, but it only took that pause in his thoughts and I knew he didn't agree with me. It always bugged the shit out of me, because the majority of the time he was right... except this time.

"I've always liked him," he said. "That summer he stayed with us... I don't know, I just liked the kid. Do you remember that week we went to the cabin in Maine? It was like a family road trip. I think it was the first time your mother regretted not having any more children."

"I thought we drove her nuts?"

"You did, but she loved it all the same." He smiled and his eyes drifted off for a moment and then he laughed out loud. "God, do you remember the bear?"

I groaned and said, "Don't. Don't even go there." I threw a pillow at him.

"You two were staying in the guest house, and your mother and I were in the main cabin. We heard the two of you yelling like little school girls."

"It was at our door!"

"Your mother told me to make some kind of distraction to scare it away..."

"And then it went running to your porch. And if I recall, you screamed as well."

"That was your mother." I rolled my eyes and scoffed. He looked to the pile of blankets on the chair left from earlier. "You two and those ridiculous blankets."

"It was Jasper. He wanted to be the hero and save you two. He thought by wrapping ourselves up in the bedding it would make us look bigger, more imposing. Not to mention some kind of half-assed protection if the bear turned on us."

"I'll never forget your faces..." My dad was laughing and his eyes had started to tear. "When you two stepped outside, with your arms raised, wrapped in blankets and started yelling at the bear?"

"Yeah, well it wasn't so funny when the bear turned on us, was it? I bet you weren't laughing then."

"And then it reared up on its hind legs and growled? You two took off running for the lake, which wasn't really a lake because the water was so low that year, more like a muddy pond. I think you dove head first, blankets and all. Man, was your mother pissed at the two of you. All that bedding... It never did smell right even after countless washes. She had to throw them all out."

"She wouldn't even let us back in the cabin. Made us wash from a bucket outside. It was hours before she let us in and she didn't even care there was a huge ass bear waiting in the woods."

"It wasn't that big."

"It was big," I said, nodding my head.

"You were such skinny little kids back then, thinking you were invincible that nothing could touch you. It was quite a thing to see." He looked toward the window, lost for a moment in his thoughts. "The two of you hadn't even known each other a year, and yet there was something there back then, I guess neither of you knew what it was." He took one last sip of his Bourbon. The room was lit by a lamp in the corner behind him and it cast a shadow on his face. He leaned forward to set the glass down and his expression was clear. This was one time he was going to offer his advice and tell me I was wrong.

"You're my son, Edward, and I stand behind your decisions, but I think you need to hear him out. There's more than just a history between the two of you..." His eyes glanced to the table, and underneath the tissues was the brown envelope that held the pictures. My stomach sank, I'd forgotten to put them away. He watched me, knowing exactly what I was thinking. He could read me like a book.

"I snooped," he said.

My cheeks burned hot. This was definitely fucking awkward.

"Why are you embarrassed?" he asked, leaning back in the chair.

I looked away and I half-coughed, half stretched to avoid his scrutiny.

"Don't ever be embarrassed for loving someone."

"It's just... awkward talking about this with you."

"Well get over it," he said. "You know how much your mother and I love you. But this is one of the few times we've disagreed when it came to you." My heart seized and my eyes snapped back to look at him. "She wants him gone. She's the one who wouldn't take his calls when he was looking for you. She refused to give him your number. I was the one who gave it to him, and boy, did I catch hell for that one," he said laughing.

"Why would you do that?"

"If I thought you couldn't handle seeing him again, I never would have given him your number. You're strong, stronger than you think, even that night you showed up on our doorstep. That took a lot of courage, son, and I'm so, so proud of you." His voice became unsteady and he gathered himself for a moment before he continued. "Your mother wanted to protect you, but you're a grown man and I thought it was time you stopped hiding. And now that I've seen those pictures, I know I made the right decision. There's only one person I give that same look to that you have in those," he said pointing to the envelope. "It's a rare thing what's in those pictures and doesn't happen for everyone.

"He's a good man. He's done some shitty things, but we've all made mistakes. It's about how we rectify the mistake that defines what kind of man we are. I believe he's here to be a man." He leaned forward again and patted my knee. He squeezed it gently and said, "And the other part of being a man is knowing when to forgive.

"Those pictures don't lie... and you both know that. So figure it out."


	17. Chapter 17

**~*Chapter Seventeen*~

* * *

**

I'd called Alec to let him know Jasper had turned up bruised and bloodied, which didn't surprise him. He'd heard through his gay grapevine about some of the things Jasper had been doing and apparently a few bar brawls were only a some of the things. He offered to come over, which I declined. As much as I didn't want Jasper here, there was a bigger part that did. Alec was reluctant, but agreed, and told me to send Jasper over in the morning, telling me he could stay at his place until he was well again.

It was late into the night, and I hadn't been able to fall asleep yet. I was lying on the couch thinking over the conversation with my dad trying not to think about Jasper in my bed in the next room—I was almost positive I could hear him breathing. Life was so much simpler back then. Ignorance was definitely bliss or as Jasper put it, there was none of this _shit_ that had gotten in the way of things. We were inseparable that summer he stayed with us. We worked at the same music store, we hung out every night and never once did we get sick of each other. I had my room and he had the spare bedroom, but most nights we were in the basement, hanging out, playing music and sneaking my dad's beers and we ended up sleeping on the couches down there. It became our own personal pad. We drove my mother crazy, but secretly I think she liked it... having that extra person to care for. At the time everything was natural, like there was nothing wrong with young men spending every waking and sleeping moment together. I'd never had a friend like Jasper, so it all seemed normal to me. Looking back at it now, it was anything but, and that's what my dad was not so subtly trying to tell me. It was so much more. Why couldn't Jasper see that?

I heard the shuffle of his footsteps before I saw him come around the corner. It was late and the only light in the room filtered through the blinds from the courtyard lamp outside my window. The sounds of the night had settled and the only other sound was the clock on the wall ticking.

"Hey," he said, looking down scratching the back of his head.

He was still in my sweats and he looked a little more rested, and he seemed to be moving easier. He slowly walked to the middle of the room and glanced to the table where I had spread out the photos after my dad left. He sat down in the chair and picked one of them up. He studied it for some time while I watched him, but this time his expression was guarded carefully. It wasn't until he moved to place the photo back on the table, pausing for a moment before letting it go that I would have known they affected him.

"Thank you..." he cleared his throat, "for calling your dad," he said. I hadn't moved. I was still lying down with my arm over my head and my legs crossed. I nodded a welcome to him but didn't speak. I knew his body, every movement and every action he did, and right now with his jittery knee he was nervous.

"What time is it?" he asked, looking around the room. I pointed to the clock across the room. "I slept for a few hours, sorry." He cleared his throat again. "You can have your bed back. I should get going anyway."

I swung my legs around and set them on the ground, sitting up. No more skipping around, I wanted some answers. "Where the hell have you been for the last few weeks? Everyone was fucking worried and you couldn't even pick up the phone and let them know you were all right? What the fuck were you thinking?"

The clock on the wall continued to tick and it was a good thirty ticks before he whispered a response.

"You think I don't know I fucked up everything that was good and right in my life?" He finally had the balls to look me in the eyes. "I fucked it _all_up. Why would anyone care where I was after what I've done?"

"Stop being so goddamn selfish. You're an asshole, but we still care about you."

"You shouldn't."

"Well, you're right about that."

There were more ticking sounds from the clock heard before he asked, "Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Care?"

I thought about yelling at him and screaming, but the truth of it was, I didn't want to fight with him anymore.

"Yeah. I shouldn't, but yeah," I said and I felt my chest tighten. His cheeks turned red in the dim light and I thought I would just say it, put it all out there because there was nothing else. "Why did you come here? What do you want from me?" My voice was soft and kind, hoping he'd finally answer me with some truths.

His finger was tracing a bruise on the back of his hand, pushing the purple and testing it for tenderness. It was an absent gesture, and I doubt he even realized he was doing it, but I couldn't take my eyes off of his hands while I waited with my breath held for him to answer the question.

Eventually he stopped and looked up at me. "I don't know," he said, and I could tell it was the truth. He really didn't know. But the truth didn't make it any easier for me.

I stood up, giving him one last sad look. If he didn't know by now, I doubted he ever would. "You can take a shower to get cleaned up," I said. "I'll get your clothes out of the dryer, but that's it. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Alec said you could stay with him."

"Isn't—," his voice cracked, "isn't it enough that I'm here?"

Yes, of course it was, I thought. "No."

He remained seated for a few breaths, and I could see he was battling his thoughts. It was odd that I was the strong one now. The dynamic in our relationship had changed, and it saddened me that I'd lost my friend. Finally he stood up, and his eyes remained downcast while he followed me to the closet and I passed him a towel.

"Soap and shampoo's in the tub," I mumbled. "You should shave. You look like shit."

**~*.*~**

The sound of the water running had lulled me into a trance like state. Everyone's words from the past few weeks plagued me. Between my Dad and Jared telling me to give Jasper another chance and my mother and Alec telling me I needed to move on, it was such a whirlwind of emotions, just like it always was when it came to him. He couldn't love me back, not openly the way I wanted him to at least, he'd made that clear. I needed to let him go, I didn't want him here even though my body was disagreeing.

The water shut off, and all my senses came alive. Everything was heightened and the hairs on my arms were standing up. I was standing in the kitchen with my hands gripped firmly to the counter. I could see the door from where I stood. One simple sheet of plywood separated him from me. He'd probably stepped out of the tub by now, his feet on the bath mat while he stretched to lean for the towel to dry himself off. The mirror would be fogged up, so he'd wipe it with his hand so he could see while he shaved the tiny bits of stubble that'd grown sporadically over his face. The tap water for the sink turned on confirming what I was imagining. He would be standing in front of the sink, with a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair would be towel-dried and slicked back with tiny water droplets dropping to his shoulders. I knew him. Everything about him. My cock knew him too.

I pushed myself against the counter, feeling the pain from the pressure. I heard the 'tap-tap-tap' as he banged the razor against the sink, and before I knew it I was standing outside the door listening to the swirl of the water as he rinsed the shaving cream off the blade. I leaned up against the wall, inhaling, wondering what the fuck I was doing. There wasn't an 'us.' Too many things had gotten in the way, just as they always would. I placed a hand on the bathroom door, remembering back to the peeling paint on our apartment door. My little finger twitched and I found myself thinking, _This is the way it's supposed to be._

I moved to my bedroom to get away from him and get him his clothes. I saw his wallet and cigarettes on the side table. I'd removed them from his jeans so I could wash them. He still carried the same wallet he had back in College. There was a new rubber band around it still holding it together, and I was surprised he had it all these years later. I don't know why, but seeing it comforted me. He was that same Jasper who refused to buy a new wallet because this leather piece of shit was molded to his ass.

I had my hands against the dresser with my head down between my arms. From the corner of my eye, I could see the hallway and the door to the bathroom. The knob turned, and the steam misted through the doorway and Jasper followed. The blue towel was wrapped snugly around his waist, his hair was slicked back, and his cheeks were a shade of pink from the rawness of shaving. He was thin, having lost some muscle mass since the last time I saw him without a shirt on, and his body was bruised with shades of purple and green scattered around his ribs. He was startled to see me watching him and raised an arm across his chest as though for a second he wanted to cover himself up, but then his hand dropped and he raised his chin. His hands were at his sides and I watched the rise and fall of his chest for a few breaths before I straightened up and faced him. Neither of us said a word. I saw his eyes darken as he slowly started to walk toward me. I was frozen to the space I was in. My ears were pounding from the beating of my heart and I felt my temperature rise the closer he got.

He stood in front of me staring me straight in the eyes, and neither of us blinked. His hands moved to my belt and with a careful touch he started to undo the clasp. I finally took a breath, exhaling through my nose while I shut my eyes. He pulled my jeans down, and my cock sprang loose like so many of those clichéd moments in bad erotic literature... but that's what it did. I was hard and standing at full attention. I didn't dare open my eyes, so I waited for his hands but instead, the tip of my cock met warmth and I gasped from the wetness of his mouth. He swallowed me, and I cursed under my breath wondering if this was a dream and if I was still lying on the couch.

The more he took me in, the more I realized this was happening. His hands squeezed my thighs giving him leverage the further down on my cock he went. It was over a year since someone had done that, since he'd done that and it felt fucking good. So much better than a rough calloused hand. He hummed and the vibrations sent shivers up my spine, reminding me what it felt like that night back in Chicago. Everything came rushing to the surface. All the feelings: the fear, the pleasure, the love, the pain, the humiliation, the betrayal...

This man had ruined me and he would again.

I lunged for him, grabbing his head and pushed him away, holding tight to his neck. The anger seethed out of me.

"Edward," he managed to say.

"Don't! I don't want to hear it. _This_ isn't what I want."

"Don't give up on me..." He dropped his arms in defeat and didn't struggle against my grip.

"Stop!" I hated the way he made me feel. I didn't want to relive the rejection of that night, it repulsed me. I was shaking, but still holding strong to him. We stared at each other while I gripped his neck.

"I love you." There was no fear in his eyes. I wish there had been. But his bruised face was calm and truthful.

"Why should I listen to you?" I choked down my tears and let him go. My fists came up to my eyes as I let out a frustrated howl and turned my back on him. He wasn't going to change. In the confines of this apartment behind closed doors, it was safe for him. But I wanted more than that. I wanted everything with him and he couldn't give me that. He'd leave me shattered again. "You only love me in here, not out there." I pointed out the window. "I want it all, and you'll never want that from me."

"I want it all," he said from behind me. "I want what's in those photos."

The room started to spin at the sound of his words. I was angry and frustrated with myself for letting him into my apartment. For wanting him despite how he'd hurt me. The asshole had a hold on me that I'd never get rid of. He would always be _that_one, no matter how I moved on with my life, that hole he'd left behind would never be filled. I wanted him to know what that kind of rejection felt like, but he never would. I would never turn him away. I didn't want to love him. I didn't want to be a man and forgive him, I wanted him to hurt like I had.

Moments passed, and then I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Edward."

"Don't!" I yelled and before I knew it, I had a hold of him again and we tumbled to the bed with our limbs in a tangled mess. My lips crushed his, biting with need. I tasted blood but it didn't stop me. There was a hunger in me, driven by anger and pain and there wasn't anything I could do to quench it. I wanted to cause him pain like he'd done to me. It was my turn, my right to hurt him, not some stranger in the back of an alley. I was owed this. The hole in my chest had slashed wide open and it was raw, and dark and ugly.

He was pinned beneath me but I couldn't look in his eyes. I'd ripped the towel from his body and he lay naked on his back. My pants were still around my ankles, but I'd managed to stand slightly. I pushed him over so he was face down against the mattress. My chest was heaving, the tears were flowing as I tried to suck in some air. I grabbed hold of my cock and put it between the cheeks of his ass. I wasn't thinking straight. I was suffocating and I sobbed from what I was about to do.

"Do it," I heard him say. I shook my head to argue even though he couldn't see me. "_Do it_," he said again with conviction.

I cried out in anger with my teeth clenched and without another thought, I spit on my hand and spread it over my cock and him and drove myself into him. I wasn't sure if it was my cries or his, but the room was filled with sounds all around us. My ears were burning and then a darkness came over me and filled all my senses. I couldn't hear, or see, or taste the blood in my mouth anymore. There was only the pain and the anger present. I drove hard and fast trying to get rid of it. I wanted to overcome it so I kept going until I found a small spark of light. Harder and faster until the light started to spread, it burst through the black, and I felt the dark leave my body. White spots floated behind my eyes as I collapsed in an exhausted heap.

His body was splayed out underneath me, both of us were panting, trying to catch our breath. I had fallen on top of him with my chest flushed up against his back. His face was turned to the side and I noticed his eyes were shut tight in pain. I pulled out of him, and sat up in one swift movement. He'd grunted and flinched but lay still on the bed. My stomach dropped and the guilt and shame returned ten-fold. What had I just done?

"Why?" My voice cracked. "Why'd you let me?" I had my head in my hands with my feet planted firmly on the carpet. I didn't know what had come over me, but there was a dark part of me that had wanted to hurt him.

I felt his body shift on the mattress and saw him pull the sheet over him from the corner of my eye. He was still lying on his stomach, and the pain was etched across his face. "Edward," his voice rasped, "I'd let you do anything to me if it meant I could have a small piece of you again. If you'd forgive me."

I stifled a sob and turned to him. "That's what this was about?" I started to feel the anger rise in me again. "Why do I always feel betrayed by you? Like you're selling your body to me as an apology. That's not what I want!" I couldn't believe he'd done it again. How much more of this could I take from him?

"That's not what I meant," he whispered. "I wanted it... both times. Back in Chicago, and now. I wasn't offering myself up for something in return." He was talking with his jaw set, and I heard the certainty in his voice even through the tears. "I've always wanted you. I was just afraid of what came with it."

"And now?"

"I don't care. I can't walk away from it anymore. It's real... what I feel for you. Like nothing I've felt. You're a part of my life and whatever else comes with that, I'll just have to figure it out. I don't work without you." He moved under the sheet, shifting his weight around. He winced, sucking air threw his lips from the discomfort.

"I-I didn't mean to hurt you." I choked back more tears.

"Yes you did, and I deserved it," he said, moving to his side and he grunted from the pain. "I know what I did to you... what I've done to you. When you slammed the door in my face it was nothing less than I deserved. I stayed because I knew I was done running. I was too afraid to admit it."

"I didn't want it to be like th—"

"I know." He was moving slow, gingerly pulling himself up to a sitting position. "And it's not so bad."

"I'm sorry, Jasper, I'm so sorry." My head was in my hands, and I was shaking back and forth.

"It'll be all right."

"Will it?"

"Yeah," he said. "Just don't do it again." He started to chuckle and added, "Well, unless I ask you to."

"Did it... hurt?"

"Like a _motherfucker_." He coughed into his hand and leaned for his cigarettes that were resting on his wallet. "But... there was something else. There was... it felt..." he paused thinking of the appropriate word and then settled on, "good. I don't know how else to explain it." He lit his cigarette and I watched his lips wrap around it and inhale. Those same lips I'd been so aware of for all these years. The smoke left his mouth and trailed up his nose and it was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen him do. Maybe it was because of what had just happened, what I'd done to him and what he'd let me do to him, or maybe it was because he was leaning up against the headboard still naked in my bed. Whatever it was, I watched him with a trained eye, and the stirrings from earlier returned.

"Really?" I asked, wondering how what I'd done could have possibly felt good in any way.

"Yeah." He continued to smoke his cigarette and I continued to get aroused just watching him. "Maybe... next time, we can take it a little easier though."

"Next time."

His eyes narrowed, trying to suss me out. Moments passed until finally he leaned away from the headboard, and moved closer to me. His face was tense as his body slid across the mattress. "I'm not walking away this time, Edward."

"How can I possibly trust you?"

"I'll use the same words you said to me that night, 'I'm in this.' That is... if you still want me."

My elbows rested on my knees, my shoulders were hunched over and as I looked down at my hands, I couldn't help but laugh at the idea that I didn't want him. I could deny it all I wanted to in my head, but my body would always tell me differently... so would my heart. I wanted him. I loved him.

He sighed while he moved to lie back down and I watched as he threw the sheet over his nakedness. I kicked off my shoes and my pants and lifted my shirt over my head. I knew I'd regret this in the morning, but I didn't care.

"I tried," I said. "I tried to get rid of you... to forget you. I think you're just a part of who I am. I didn't want any of this without you." I stretched out beside him with my hand hovering over the bite mark I'd left on his shoulder. I gently traced my teeth marks and leaned down to kiss away the hurt. My lip was swollen as was his, but there was a small cut on his. It had stopped bleeding but it looked like it had hurt. I didn't even remember it happening. I placed my lips to his and his tongue met mine in a soft and gentle gesture.

"Fuck," I whispered against his mouth. "I love you." I leaned my forehead against his. "I wish I didn't. My life would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't."

"Mine too." He smiled and the cut split open again.

"You can't push me away when things get tough," I said, dabbing at his lip. "'Cause they will."

"It's taken almost twelve fucking years for us to get here, we can't waste anymore," he said. "Twelve years of holding everything back. _I'm in this_."

"What made you come around?"

"This," he said pointing to his bruised face, "and this." He put a hand across his ribs. "I deserved every punch. _These_ were what brought me to your door." He rubbed his hand across his chest, and I saw the distant look in his eyes and knew he was thinking of what else to say. "I followed you," he said looking away from me, "from Alec's a few weeks ago. I waited for you and when you came out of that building, I knew what you'd been doing. I saw the look on your face when you left." He lifted himself up, leaning on his elbow and he looked me in the eyes. I felt my cheeks go red at his insinuation. He'd been watching me and he saw me leave Jared's. My heart caught in my throat but then he whispered, "I wanted to be the one to make you feel like that."

I couldn't deny nothing had happened, I'd be lying and he'd know. I was done with the lies, so I chose not to say anything instead and he continued.

"But it was your dad that made me admit it to myself." I saw a faint trace of sorrow cross his face. "He called me 'son' and told me he loved me. He also said if I ever did what I did to you again, he'd cut off my balls." He started to laugh and I joined him. "Your dad has a very convincing scalpel in his bag." He stopped laughing and said, "I think I've always loved you." He smiled and the light was back in his eyes. "Ever since the day I walked into our dorm room and saw you unpacking your briefs, folding them neatly into the dresser, you anal bastard."

"I like them folded," I said shrugging and we both laughed again.

He was inches away from my face and leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on my lips. His voice was solemn again as he spoke. "He told me it was okay to love you." I returned his kiss and felt his tongue on mine. I kissed him deeply but he winced from either the cut on his lip or the bruising on his nose or his cheek. It was too hard to tell where the hurt was coming from.

I pulled back and asked, "You going to tell me what happened?"

"Yeah," he said, "but not tonight, okay?"

I nodded, believing him, but I wasn't okay with not knowing. "Fights? You?"

"Some days... yeah. Others, well..." He looked away for the first time and said, "I fucked up. It's an understatement, I know. And it'll take me a lifetime to right the wrongs I've done to the people I love. But I'm starting here," he said. "This is about all I'm sure of right now."

I was actually a little shy to say anything about love again. He'd said he loved me and I wanted to believe him, but I knew in this dark room words could be said without any meaning behind them. He was it for me, he was going to be my great love and he'd either destroy me in the process or love me back. I just wasn't sure which one it would be.

"So, this great love?" I said the words and then wished I could take them back. My heart sank waiting for him to answer.

"You remember that, huh?" He laid his head back down on the pillow. It wasn't the answer I was hoping for, but this was new for him, so the deflection was expected. It was new for me as well, but I'd come to terms with who I was and who I loved. It was going to take some time for him. I started to move away, but he gripped my arm. "I think so, yeah."

We lay next to each other for what seemed like hours. There had been nothing sexual about it, we just talked and held tight to each other. Sometimes we'd kiss, and then we'd lie back not saying a word. Neither of us slept, but our bodies were entwined held tight together with our cocks pressed against each other. It was strange, I had to admit that, but right.

"What was the hardest part?" he asked, breaking our embrace.

"What?" My voice was scratchy. The room was dark and I had to squint to see his face.

"You know... coming out?"

"All of it," I answered truthfully. "But really, the first time I actually said the words out loud was in the living room with you."

"Really?"

"It's been hard, but easy if that makes sense."

"Yeah, your parents are saints. They'll love you no matter what."

"Maybe, but it was still difficult admitting to my father I was in love with a man. Not to mention the other stuff that goes along with all that."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." I nodded, because I was sorry too. I'd be here for him though, and he was going to need it.

"I've been lucky so far, but I've not really been _out there,_ you know?" I cleared my throat, wondering if I was even ready to tell our friends. "I think it'll be a lot to say goodbye to."

"Let's hope not," he said and then added, "I'm sorry."

"How many times are you going to say that?"

"As many as it takes."

I kissed his bottom lip, tracing my tongue along the outside of it. My balls were aching and I was getting hard and he was too.

"How did you tell—"

I cut him off by sticking my tongue in his mouth. I sensed his hesitation growing and I didn't want to think about what was going to happen out of the confines of this bedroom, and told him as much. It was me who just wanted to enjoy the moment and not think about what was going to happen tomorrow morning when the sun was shining through the window. I didn't think I would wake up with him lying next to me. I really didn't expect him to be here, so I was content just to live in the now. I wanted to take all this in. I was under no illusion that he was okay with any of this. He was still skittish and in the light of dawn, he'd probably panic again and leave. Lying here in this bed, I chose to ignore my head and go with my heart even if I was going to pay for it in the morning.

We experimented through what was left of the night, easy stuff that didn't make us uncomfortable. I'd like to think Jasper liked it, his moans told me he did. It was the first time my mouth had been on a cock and I didn't freak out like I thought I might have. I wasn't an expert by any means, but I was looking forward to getting better. Maybe it was the power it gave me over him. It was my mouth that caused him to beg and make the noises he had and I discovered that it excited me...tremendously.

It was late or early when we fell asleep in each other's arms, but when I woke, my fears were confirmed. The bed was empty.

"Fuck," I whispered to no one. I rolled over to the empty spot in the bed, and it was still surprisingly warm. I'd just missed him. I rubbed my hand over where he'd lain, smelling the scent of him. "Fucker," I said. My heart was heavy as I walked to the closet. I needed a shower to wash away the misery I was feeling, and wash away the traces of him. I was pretty numb to it all and knew it would do nothing to stop the sick feeling in my stomach. It was hard to take in everything that had happened last night. I'd forced myself on him, with the intent of hurting him, and he took it. How does one come back from that? It's no wonder he left.

I stood in front of my closet replaying the details of last night and I really did feel like I was going to throw up. I was pissed I was allowing the guilt and shame to return. I threw on some boxers, trying to convince myself that I'd known this would happen and I shouldn't have been surprised the bed was empty this morning. Grabbing my towel, I walked to the door to get away from the images of what went on in this room last night. I braced my hands against the door, and with my head down between my arms I took some deep breaths trying to still the erratic beats of my heart.

Coffee. I smelled coffee. And bacon. Opening the door, I followed the smells to the kitchen and found Jasper in a pair of my boxers, smiling with a spatula in his hand.

"I was fucking starved," he said. He poured me a cup of coffee, holding it out to me. I didn't move, just stood there dumbstruck with my stomach full of butterflies.

"What?" he asked.

"Um... nothing," I said scratching my head, then reached for the cup.

"You're staring."

"Um, sorry," I mumbled looking at my feet.

"Don't be." He was grinning at me, and the butterflies doubled and went straight to my cock. "Toast and bacon?"

I nodded.

"You, okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I really am."

He walked toward me, limping slightly. It was shocking to see his bruised body in the daylight, but his light demeanor made the bruises seem less daunting than they had last night. I felt guilty for my part in his discomfort, but when he put his arms around me and kissed me it was forgotten.

"Morning," he said rubbing himself against me.

"You stayed," I said, still shell-shocked.

He reached down, placing his hands on my ass, and pulled me closer. "I told you, I'm done running. I know it's going to take a lot for you to trust me, and I'll do whatever it takes. I'm here... for good."

This time it was my turn to kiss him. I moaned at the feel of his tongue and all I wanted to do was drag him back to the bedroom, but I was still afraid of what that entailed. The light of day made me somewhat inhibited. Maybe I'd just been playing a role last night. Jasper had been the timid one, and I'd stepped up. Now he was the bold one, back to the Jasper I remembered, except he was standing in my boxers with his hands on my ass. I was sorry for what I'd done to him and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to go there again or if he would even want to. So maybe I'd be content for him to lead the way in that department.

"What's on your agenda today?" he asked.

"Umm... nothing," I said. "It's Saturday, I don't have the kids on Saturdays."

"Okay... then. Breakfast first," he said. "I need food, then we can come back to this." He grabbed my balls, squeezing them playfully before heading back to the stove. I flinched, sucking in a breath through my teeth. I was definitely okay with him leading the way.

He lifted the bacon from the pan, setting it on a paper towel to drain. He popped two slices of bread in the toaster and refilled his coffee, all the while I still hadn't moved from my spot. He buttered the toast and put a few slices of bacon on it making a sandwich for me. He gestured for me to sit and I complied. He stood.

We ate our breakfast chatting about unimportant things. I was still reveling in the fact that he was here. Last night seemed like it hadn't happened. And despite the bruises and the cuts, I managed to see glimpses of the man I knew, the man I'd come to love. However different the roads we took to get here, longer or shorter, harder or darker, it didn't matter, for in this moment in the light of day the unlikely seemed likely. Love did exist between the sexes.

"Edward," he said, snapping me back to the moment, "how about dinner tonight?" His voice was quiet and he was looking into his coffee cup.

"Yeah, we can get some takeout or something," I said absently.

"No," he said meeting my eyes. "Will you go to dinner with me?"

"Oh!" I realized what he was asking me. "Like a... like a date?"

His cheeks turned red, and he ran a hand under his chin. "Yeah," he cleared his throat, "I guess... a date."

"I'll up you one. How about a Ranger's game and dinner?" I asked, remembering I still had the hockey tickets in my jacket.

He grinned, his eyes bright. "Hell, yeah. That sounds perfect."


	18. Epilogue

**~*EPILOGUE*~**

* * *

I was sitting on the bed, with a cup in my hand, thinking about how I got here. It'd been a long and painful road, I thought, but a necessary one. I lifted my right arm, flexing the muscles in my hand. "Hmm..." I said, nodding my head. "I can do this." _If only I had someone here to help me_, I scoffed at myself.

I'd undone my pants and noticed the familiar tent popping up through my boxers. I was always hard it seemed these days. I pulled my cock out and took hold of it. It felt different than what I'd been used to this past year. It was thicker, I realized, as my hand continued to stroke up and down. This shouldn't take me long after what happened this morning. I'd been hard ever since.

_I had woken before the alarm, the sun was shining through the window and I'd been watching him sleep. I sometimes did this. I'd watch the rise and fall of his chest, and the way his mouth rested slightly open. His expression was peaceful and I sometimes missed that when he was awake. It had been tough for us... tough for him. It took us well over a year to get our lives in order and fully come out to our friends and family. It didn't come as a surprise to some of them, others, well we knew we'd lose touch over the year and we had. Conversations had been awkward and forced, but things had calmed down enough to make it seem like nothing had changed between most of us. _

_My mother finally came around and forgave Jasper. I think it took her longer than it did me, but she eventually came to think of him as another son, especially when she found out his own mother hadn't accepted the idea of us. Jasper's mother chose to stay in denial and still introduced me as "Jasper's dear friend." He often joked how she'd take it if and when we ever decided to get married, but I knew it hurt him even though he tried to hide it. He wanted her to accept him, but she couldn't. My mother did her best to make up for the absence, but of course it wasn't the same._

_He ended up moving here, giving up his life in Chicago. It just made sense for him to come here. I couldn't leave my children, and Alec and my parents were here so that had been relatively easy. We'd bought a place. It was bigger and in a much better neighborhood and with Jasper's income and my trust fund, it allowed us a comfortable living space, one big enough for the kids to have their own rooms when they stayed with us. Explaining the living arrangements to the children wasn't easy, but they were too young to understand and they both loved Jasper because he loved them wholeheartedly and that was all that mattered to them._

_It was hard for me to trust him again. For the first few months, if he was late coming home I wondered if he was coming home at all. And when he had to go back to Chicago, I wondered if that would be the last time I saw him. The seed of doubt had been planted and that lil' bugger had deep roots. But each night he did come home, and each trip to Chicago brought him back to me with an aching need and the seed starved and eventually died. He stopped lying to everyone, and to me and more importantly himself. When his confession finally came, it was grueling to hear and a part of me didn't want to know what he'd been doing for those weeks, but he needed to get it off his chest so I listened without judgment. And at the end of it all, he didn't just owe me an apology but his wife as well, and Alec of course._

_There were moments like the one I was having this morning when it all didn't seem real. I was lying in bed, naked, next to a man. But it wasn't just any man, it was Jasper. I was happy. Happier than I'd ever been. Sure we had our challenges, but what couple didn't. He still was a moody fuck, but now I knew him inside and out, literally, and he knew me._

"_Mornin'," he said without opening his eyes. No matter how hard I tried not to move, save for opening my eyes, he always knew when I was awake. He rolled over, throwing his arm over my chest and kissed me 'hello.'_

"_Morning," I mumbled in return._

"_Stop thinking." He touched the crease between my eyes, smoothing it out like he always did when I was deep in thought. He kissed me again, but this time it was harder, and there was more behind it. "I know how I can distract you." His hand trailed down the length of my torso, under the sheet and rested between my legs._

"_Mmm," I groaned. "Do you think that's wise?"_

"_Knowing you..." I heard the laughter in his voice. "It won't matter."_

"_Fuck you." _

"_No... that's what I plan on doing to you." He threw his leg over mine, and I could feel his cock against my thigh. Jasper loved to fuck in the morning. I was more of an evening guy, but he loved morning sex. Maybe it was because he had to get up and go to work, where as I got a little more time in the morning to wake up before I had to pick up the kids and take them wherever they needed to be. Either way, I never complained... the two of us were always up for something._

_He had rolled on top of me and was staring down at me smiling. "I fucking love the way you smell," he said as he kissed my neck. He sucked hard and bit down. _

"_Don't even think about it!" I moved away from him laughing. "No way! Not today. I'm not walking around there with your fucking marks on my neck."_

_He was laughing and kissing and sucking his way down my chest. He bit down on my nipple and I yelped. _

"_No one will see it here," he said._

"_What if I have to take my shirt off?"_

"_Trust me... you won't have to take your shirt off."_

"_How do you know?"_

_He stopped tonguing my nipple and looked up at me with a grin. He rolled his eyes. "Ahhh... I've been there, done that."_

"_Rrr-ight," I said, letting him continue. "Ow! Fuck!" I yelled as he bit down again. He knew my nipples were sensitive, but he just chuckled some more while I rubbed the tender spot. "That hurt." _

_He ignored me and kept kissing and sucking until I felt him grab my balls. He squeezed them, but at least gently, while his other hand took hold of me. His mouth covered my head and I groaned in reaction. I threw my head back against the pillow and breathed deeply through my nose. I had a hold of his hair in my fists as he took me all the way into his mouth. He knew exactly what I liked. There were no secrets between the two of us anymore. His teeth lightly grazed my cock as he moved up and down. His fingers inched their way back until I felt him touch me intimately, rubbing circles, teasing the entrance of my body. He pressed gently at first and then harder, slipping a finger in and my hips rose up to meet it. He pushed another one in and my cock was soon forgotten as he rolled me over lifting my ass in the air._

_After that first time, it had taken us some time to get used to each other. It was a month or two before we'd ventured into that territory again. Both of us had been terrified about trying it, and we were content to just suck each other's cocks. It was an alcohol induced evening with a bedside table stocked full of lubrication, when Jasper finally stuck his cock in my ass for the first time, and we'd not looked back since._

_I heard him squeeze the bottle that had been lying on the table and prepared myself for what was coming next. His fingers prepped me, and I felt his cock waiting, laying squarely down the center of my crack. He hesitated, wanting me to say yes before he went further. I took a deep breath, our signal to each other and he entered deep inside of me. _

"_I'll never get tired of this," he said, and I shared his sentiments. With Jasper it was never enough, like we were never satiated. It was a little shocking how sexual we had become. For the past year we'd spent more time in bed than out of it. We were making up for twelve years of denying ourselves of each other and we were doing a pretty good job of catching up. _

_He hadn't moved, and I needed him to, desperately. I glanced behind me wondering what the fuck he was doing back there. He grinned that wise-ass grin of his and then slid out a bit before slamming his hips back into my ass, grinding himself deeper than before. My eyes rolled back in my head and I had to bite my lip while I grunted in response. But he stayed there again and when I looked back at him he was still grinning. How he was able to control himself, I didn't know, but it was pushing me to the edge. _

"_Jas... please," I said, moving my hips forward to get some relief._

_I heard a low, drawn out growl and then he grabbed my thighs and started to move. He fucked me hard and fast, keeping a steady rhythm. It was always like this in the morning. No time for anything long-lasting and gentle. It was quick and dirty to get the release we both needed when we woke up with our pricks hard. _

_When I noticed his soft moans grow louder, I shifted my hips, deepening the angle. He thrust a few more times and told me he was going to come. I reached for my cock and started to pump my hand up and down, hoping we could come together. _

"_No..." he grunted, reaching for my hand. "Don't. I want you in me." My heart stopped. It wasn't often Jasper let me fuck him. We both preferred it that way. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it or he didn't, it just always seemed to happen that way. Maybe it had something to do with that first time, or maybe it was just our natures, but whenever I did put my cock in him, it was rare and neither of us lasted long._

"_Well, fucking hurry then," I said. His words caused a throb in my cock but he was still buried balls deep inside of me. "'Cause I won't make it." After a few more hard thrusts he cried out and fell on top of me, panting against my shoulder. He was cursing, and the sweat from his brow dripped on to my skin. He slid out of me and we both hissed, but the only thing on my mind was to get myself inside of him. I flipped him over so he was lying on his back with his legs lifted. I felt his cum, dripping down the back of my thigh and made a mental note that the sheets were going to be a mess. _

_I licked his lip, and sucked on it while I ground my dick into his stomach feeling the sticky mess between us. "Are you sure?" I asked, stopping to look in his eyes. He was still panting and his skin was all flushed. His hair was stuck to the side of his face where the sweat had dripped. I followed the moisture trail and moved down to kiss the bulge on his upper arm. The vein was popping out from all the exertion and I trailed my tongue along it._

"_I need to feel you today." His voice was a little sad, and my heart clenched knowing what he was going to go through this morning._

"_This isn't going to change anything."_

"_Yes it will."_

"_Not between us."_

"_If I can't do it," he said, "I want to have a part of you in me today."_

_I drove my tongue into his mouth wanting everything he was offering me. He pumped my cock a few times, while I reached to the table. I readied him for me and he slid my cock up and down his ass before resting it at his hole. He grinned at me again and I couldn't help but laugh back._

"_What the fuck? Stop laughing," I said._

"_I'm trying not to, but the look on your face..." He grinned again. "You look... hungry."_

"_Shut up," I said. My dick twitched against him and both of us stopped laughing. I was hungry, that was for sure. His eyes darkened and he gave a slight nod of his chin before we both took a deep breath. _

"_Done dicking around?" I joked, directing my cock toward him._

"_Clearly not."_

_A shrill cry rang out at that inopportune moment, startling us both back to reality._

"_Fffuck," he said, slamming his hand into the mattress and the second ring from the phone pierced the air. We heard the answering machine come on in the other room._

"_What time is it?" I asked in a panic. It must have been late into the morning for someone to be calling._

"_Yahoooo, boys!" Alec's voice echoed out from the machine. "This is your wake up call. Stop fucking around and get where you need to be. You're late because you've been diddling each other all morning. I know... Alec knows all. Anyway, good luck today, Edward. You sure as hell wouldn't catch me doing what you're about to do. Ta-Ta!" he said, and then added one last thing. "Oh! And don't forget. We have dinner at Jared's on Saturday. He's introducing us to his Sam, so you two be on your best behavior. From what Jared tells me, he's not big on the PDA so keep yours to a minimum, you horny little bastards! Okay... Love you!" _

"_Shit! We're late. Shit. Shit. Shit," Jasper said, and I knew he'd checked out. I was shit out of luck._

_I looked down at my now painful erection, and almost whimpered. "Just a few minutes? Please?"_

"_She's going to kill us. You're going to have to hang on to that big boy." He slid out from under me and rushed into the bathroom. _

"_Oh, sure! You get off, but not me. Huge fucking blue balls here!" I yelled after him, stroking my cock. I couldn't leave the house like this, just a few more minutes and I'd be right as rain._

"_Edward," he said, poking his head out of the bathroom, "no time." He was laughing at me._

"_You're a fucker!" _

"_Come, on! We're really late. You're just going to have to save it."_

"_You're a dick."_

"_Yeah," he smiled, "but you've known that for years."_

_I threw a pillow at him, cursing obscenities._

"Fuck!" I said, as my body reacted to thoughts of this morning. I could feel my balls start to draw up, and the muscles at the base of my cock began to tighten. _I was so fucking close. _I pumped my hand up and down. _Just a few more strokes,_ I thought as I bit my lip, raising my head to stare around the room. My hand was moving at a furious pace, and I looked for the cup that I'd accidentally discarded earlier. This was going to be messy trying to get it in there. A loud, eager knock banged on my door, causing me to cry out. It scared the shit out of me, or… more like scared the jizz out of me... _déjà fucking vu._ I'd come violently all over my hand, but at least I'd managed to get some in the cup. I could only grunt in response to the continuing bangs on the door.

"Cullen! What the fuck, man!" I heard through the door. "You need a hand? You've been in there forever."

_Fucker! _He'd done it to me again and I started to laugh. My heart was beating at a frenzied pace. I was standing with my pants down in a room with posters of fetuses and uteri on the wall at a clinic for 'making babies.' My face was flushed from having 'beaten the bishop' to a bloody pulp and the evidence of said beating lay all over myself and this tiny plastic cup in my hand.

"Fuck off!" I yelled back at him. I heard the doorknob rattling as he tried to get in.

"I can make it worth your while..." he said in a lowered voice through the door.

I hurried to clean myself up, using the small metal sink in the counter. I put the orange cap on the cup and put it and all of its contents in the brown paper bag. I threw the door open and there he was standing against the wall in those same dusty boots from College. His arms were crossed, his tongue rested against his bottom lip and he had a devilish grin on his face.

"You really are a fucker," I said.

"You're the one who wanted me to _come_ with you for moral support." He wriggled his eyebrows at me... and I couldn't help but smile. I loved this man.

"Yeah, support, not ridicule, asshole."

He pushed away from the wall and grabbed hold of my collar pulling me toward him. He kissed me deeply. "Thank you," he whispered. "I know this wasn't easy for you."

"Yeah, blowing my load in a cup... something I've always wanted to do. You'd at least think they'd have let you come in with me."

We heard a giggle coming from down the hall. There were two nurses standing in the corridor watching us. Their faces were flushed and their mouths were hanging open. We were used to the stares by now. Our looks had always garnered some kind of attention from the opposite sex... even when we were straight. But now, the public displays of affection between the two of us left nothing to their imagination...for both women and men.

Jasper smiled at them, and then pulled on my collar again. "God, I fucking love you," he said and kissed me one more time while my arms still hung loosely at my sides. He let me go and turned to the women. "Mine," he said apologetically, walking toward them. "But this is yours... or rather my ex-wife's." He grabbed the brown bag from my hand and passed it to them while he led me out the door.

"That was cruel," I said as we exited the building.

"Maybe. No use giving them hope though." We got into the car and he drove us out of the lot.

"Where we going?" I asked, stretching out my legs. He didn't answer me, but I wasn't surprised. "Want to get something to eat?"

"Nope."

"Then what are we doing? You've got that look... like you've planned it all out. We still have to pick up the kids at three for the weekend."

"Nope. Your mom called. She said she knew how important today was, so they're taking the kids for a few days. She worked it out with your ex." We stopped at a red light and he turned to me. His eyes were dark. "I'm taking you home. We never got to finish what we started this morning."

"I'm spent, Jasper. I can't possibly—"

"You can't keep up with me?" he asked, laughing. "Pussy."

"Oh! So it's like that now. I just whacked off in a sterile clinic so you could have a baby and you're calling me a pussy," I said feigning outrage. "Huh. We'll see who's the pussy after I'm through with you."

He lifted my hand and kissed the back of it. His lips were soft and tender and his eyes held so much meaning in them. The light turned green and he stepped on the gas, speeding through the intersection. He chuckled and said, "I was hoping you'd say that."

**~*THE END*~  
(Well... sort of.)**

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**Thank you to everyone who has been SO incredibly supportive! Man...what a ride!**

**I hope to see you soon! ;]**

**EFC**

**ps... I get to check the complete button!**


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